Peyton Manning Complicates Everything!

If you’ve ever watched the Indianapolis Colts play football, you’ve seen the “Peyton Manning Dance”. The All-Pro from Tennessee employs the most frantic audible signals of any quarterback the NFL has ever seen. While the shouting, wrist-flapping, and pointing seem calculated to emasculate the Offensive Coordinator who called the original play, as well as baffling the defense, the gestures certainly seem to be effective, as the Colts’ high-octane offense runs up the score on a regular basis.

Extrapolater reporters spoke to some of Peyton’s friends and acquaintances confidentially, and we were able to re-create several scenes from his daily life. As one friend – we’ll call him “Eligh” – said: “Peyton’s a perfectionist. If that means he micromanages every aspect of his life, well, so be it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go scatter the magazines across the coffee table before he gets here – that drives him up the wall!”. Does OCD make for a better quarterback? Only time will tell. What we do know is that this mania for complicating every task is evident in everything Peyton Manning does.

Dinner with his parents:

“Mom, I know you want the veal, but I’ve been studying the dessert menu, and we might need to audible out of your selection. If you think you might want the Tiramisu, I’m going to check down to the Trout En Papillote with angel hair pasta, assorted vegetables, and tarragon mustard sauce. If there’s arugula in the assortment, order a foie gras appetizer. There’s salmon on the specials board, but we’re only taking that one if they bite on the substitution – summer squash instead of garlic mashed potatoes. Dad, you’re not going to have much time left to decide when the menu’s in your hands, so you’re just going to have to freelance. The waiter’s going to be all over you.”

At the grocery store:

“OK, the other shoppers are swarming the aisles today, so we’re going to have to take what they give us. Marvin, the old guy is camping out on the ribeyes, so I’m going to need you to break off your route and grab a couple of New York Strips. Dallas, those kids are playing soft zone around the Pepsi, so I want you to go underneath and get a two-liter of Fanta. Reggie, you go long like you’re going to bring back some Ben & Jerry’s, hopefully that’ll pull the coverage back enough for Dominic to get into the flat and grab me some damn Cheetos.”

At an orgy:

Amber, I’m going to fake the toss to you, but then you’re going to need to come around the left end and seal off my backside – hard. Joanie, your responsibility is to line up as a tight end on the right side, go in motion to the two-hole, and then lay your man out flat on his back. Heather, I’m going to pump-fake a couple of times in your direction, but you’re a decoy, so try to draw a second man your direction. That way Sophia ought to be wide open, and I can nail her with the skinny post in the end zone.”

Next week: Joey Porter’s deeply disturbing Barbie-doll dioramas.

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