Voodoo Sabermetrics - Pat Burrell

Voodoo Sabermetrics reminds us that our love for the team includes our love of individual players. We usually have a favorite superstar hitter or pitcher or both. But what about those guys that you just… like? Maybe someone who pinch hits or steals a base now and then. Maybe an aging vet who is like an extra coach in the dugout. Rather than judge everyone by their stats, we’re going to use unique categories and scoring methods to check out baseball’s characters.

Our High Voodoo Council are:

Jack Cobra from 3manlift.com Neighbor Quotient and Scrappiness
Texas Gal from Ladies… Hottness and Behavior
Uncle Sunil from Hurricanes Are For Drinking Atomic Mass and Exposure
Gary Gnu from The GNUru Fantasy Sports Clutchness
Sooze from Babes Love Baseball Jollyness
TC from Mr. Thursday’s Curious Mechanism Appearance and Quotability
Extra P. from The Extrapolater Name Quality (including nicknames)

Today’s focus falls on a player who has inspired an unusual mixture of love and hatred. He has called a teammate a “rat” in the clubhouse. He gave a revealing interview to Penthouse magazine. He is adored by women who have no rooting interest in the Phillies. He is generally disliked in the City of Brotherly Love. In his defense, this is Philadelphia we’re talking about.

Meet Pat Burrell

Name: He was born Patrick B. Burrell III in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, which I guess means he’s a hillbilly aristocrat of some sort. The name “Pat” for a man has been forever ruined by Julia Sweeney, so that’s a strike against, especially when the perfectly serviceable Patrick is available.  I’m also not really crazy about this crap where I have to type two “r”s and two “l”s but still say “Burl”. Apparently syllables, like teeth, are optional in our 25th state.

Pat “The Bat” is not a bad nickname. It’s a little obvious, but at least it fits a guy who once hit 37 homers and drove in 116 runs (2002). However, I’ve also heard that he is nocturnal and locates his prey via echolocation, so I may be assuming too much. If the nickname is for the way in which he swings the “bat” with the ladies, it’s much more impressive. Rumor has it that his he rarely strikes out when he’s off the field.

For pretentious Roman numerals, a wussy first name, and a tendency to whiff under pressure (see below), his name gets a 3 out of 10. For a nickname with dual applicability to his love life, we’re bumping that up to a 6.5.

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Atomic Number: His penchant for strikeouts in key situations notwithstanding, Pat Burrell can’t be all that bad for clubhouse chemistry. To wit, no matter who makes the final out, or gives up the winning run, the drunken vitriol of Philly phans will always be directed at Burrell. There was an episode of The Office where Dwight talks about Japanese prison guards in World War II, and how they would pick out a member of each incoming group of prisoners to turn into an example. Philly fans are kind of like those prison guards, and Pat Burrell is their example, and thus he makes life easier for Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and particularly for Tom Gordon. Since I have to assign an atomic number to Pat Burrell, you know, for this gimmick to work, I’m gonna go with eleventy-three.

Exposure: If Pat Burrell is as hot as they say he is, and as un-talented as we know he is, his career should parallel that of Anna Kournikova. It hasn’t, so I guess that makes him underexposed.

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Neighbor Quotient – Pat the Bat got engaged this offseason so I’m guessing his swinging bachelor days are over. While I don’t think he’d be inviting me over for many barbeque’s, it would be nice to see all of his wife’s hot friends when they come to visit and I’m staring through the blinds. 6 out of 10.

Scrappiness – The guy has blonde tips in his hair! Anyone who has blonde tips in his hair is not scrappy(see:Boone, Brett; Edmonds, Jim) -318 out of 10

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Hottness: 10

Holy, ever-loving mother of all that is good and right, 10! Does this rating scale go higher than 10? Yes? Well, then: ∞. His ass is a work of art- in fact, songs have been written about it. Okay, at least one song- which my friends and I thought up after observing his ass in motion up close from the outfield tiki bar down in Spring Training. When your buttcheeks inspire women to write verse, you win.  (click on photos for larger images.  If arousal lasts for more than four hours, please contact your physician.)

Behavior: Red (Severe) on the Terror Alert Scale

Pat the Bat is known for many things, but good behavior is not one of them. The stories floating around about his off-the-field drunken, womanizing antics are legendary, and it wouldn’t be surprising if that wasn’t even the half of it. He got engaged this off-season… anyone think that changed anything? The threat of him breaking into his Usher impression on top of a table in some bar is always present. Supposedly, he also likes to leave parting gifts of the Valtrex variety behind for his female companions. But never fear, if you’re not up for ‘partying’ with Pat, he’s not bothered. “Mind if I take care of business?” No, baby, be my guest.

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My numerical scores will correlate to the alcohol contents of various beers. In case you care, here’s the scoring system.

Quotability: Pat’s never been particularly media friendly. I’m not aware of him being nasty to any beat writers, but after reading Philly sports sections after nearly every game he’s played for his entire career, there aren’t too many memorable quotes from him. Similarly, most of the quotes about him–about his talent as a younger player, and about what he’s doing “wrong”, as a veteran–are all just variations on the same theme. It does appear, though, that Pat’s beginning to come out of his shell a bit this year. He’s been, well, expressive on field with his successes and frustrations so far this year, and in spring training, upon hammering a home run off Japanese import, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Pat graciously extended a playful, non-verbal “fuck off, Tito“, to former Phils and active Red Sox manager, Terry Francona. Pat, I, I love the bird-flipping, but I don’t even know what your voice sounds like. Have a 5.5% Paulaner Hefeweizen.

Appearance: Pat’s a tall, strong, clean cut fella. There hasn’t been too much variation in his look since the day he was drafted–a little scruff here, a little shaggy hair there, but that’s it. I contend that he’s one of the finest moustache prospects on the team. Look at his face. It just begs for a nosebeard. As it is, Pat makes regular use of his razorblade, but that’s okay. The lack of moustache may make him imperfect, but he can still drink 10.8% Stone Russian Imperial Stout with me, anytime.

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Pat’s Jollity: Pat Burrell (pronounced Burl, like burly). Cross-eyed people are generally pretty jolly, and Pat is no exception, unless you ask him what he’s looking at. Then he’ll stomp you with all of his 235-pound., jolly-filled might. That said, I think Pat deserves a Jolly Old England on the jolliness (jollity? what the hell were we calling it again?) scale.

(editor’s note: Upon further reflection between the council, we have determined that Mr. Burl sports a lazy eye instead of a crossed eye. Full-time Philly resident TC denies any such ocular malfunction, however. You be the judge.)

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When the GNUru thinks of one Patrick Brian Burrell, he can’t help but be reminded of the man, the myth, the legend….Rob Deer. OK, maybe Rob Deer Lite (the GNUru is GHT free) as Mr. Burrell does hit for a slightly better average and lacks the classic mullet that made Rob Deer famous. However, they are very similar in their ability to NOT hit the ball as indicated by their high strikeout totals. Taking into account the era each played, Burrell and Deer have eerily similar numbers when averaged over a 162 game season.

When the GNUru thinks of one Patrick Brian Burrell, he can’t help but be reminded of the man, the myth, the legend….Rob Deer. OK, maybe Rob Deer Lite (the GNUru is GHT free) as Mr. Burrell does hit for a slightly better average and lacks the classic mullet that made Rob Deer famous. However, they are very similar in their ability to NOT hit the ball as indicated by their high strikeout totals. Taking into account the era each played, Burrell and Deer numbers are eerily similar when averaged over a 162 game season.

Player	AVG	HR	RBI	SO
Rob Deer	0.220	32	84	198
Pat Burrell	0.251	31	105	166

While both are likely successful with the ladies, the GNUru would not want either at the dish with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth and runners in scoring position.

GNUru Clutchness Factor: – 3.14

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So maybe you’re a kid, and you’re sitting out there in your backwater town in a poor state.  Maybe you have a lazy eye that the other kids tease you about.  Well, buck up, kid.  All you have to do is become a world-class power hitting outfielder, develop gluteal muscles that can cut glass, and all of your problems are solved.

Our panel seem to be just as divided as anyone else about Pat.  (Pro…Con)  What often goes unmentioned, however, is the fact that dear old Pat is a former Miami Hurricane.  Those guys are always assholes.  It’s like a genetic thing with them.  So, assuming he can continue to drive them over the fence and maybe end TC’s suffering this year, we’re going with cautious approval of Mr. Burrell.

The Phanatic is another question entirely, however.