The NBA – Simpsons Style

You already know by now that Ted Bauer walks as a god amongst men. What you didn’t know is that he is a charitable soul as well. He noticed that I don’t know crap about the NBA (he kindly refrained from pointing out that I know little about anything else I write about) and offered to help me out in that arena. I’m not proud, I took his charity. Here it is.

by Ted Bauer of A Price Above Bip Roberts

I’ll be the first to admit that “Friday” is actually “Tuesday” for me (as in, I begin the work week on Thursday), so I shouldn’t necessarily get excited by the notion of Friday arriving. It’s just another brick in the wall, you know?

Still, it might be a smidge depressing that the highlight of my Friday, thus far, was finding a random YouTube clip whereby the ol’ school Utah Jazz (you know, like the NBA on NBC vs. the Sonics Jazz?) visited Springfield, and The Simpsons.

I think I was so excited by this because, well, it represented dual passions. I love The Simpsons – I’ve seen virtually every episode, which I can also say about “Sex and the City,” but probably shouldn’t – and I really like the NBA playoffs. I might like NHL more, but I’m also prone to fall asleep (done it twice this week!) during those games. NBA, meanwhile, has it all: Kevin Harlan justifiably losing his mind, the Spurs making us all wonder why we even play the regular season, someone from the Class of ‘03 doing something spectacular, etc.

So I figured, for my people at Extrapolator, I might as well combine these two passions into one. Ready? Set? Go. 2007 NBA Playoffs, The Simpsons style.

Western Conference

(1) Dallas Mavericks vs. (8) Golden State Warriors: In a Springfieldian universe, the Mavericks would have to be Bart. These playoffs are, ostensibly, about them; in the same way, although sometimes other characters get plotlines, The Simpsons is, for all intents and purposes, about Bart. Also, the Mavericks burst onto the scene around 2002 or so, getting a little bit better each year before that – that’s kinda like the development of Bart’s character, from when he just said “Eat my shorts” (and looked black) to his more zinger insults and vague romantic dynamic with those ugly twins in his class.

The Warriors, thus, have to represent the only force that can beat Bart, and that’s simple. No, not Marge: Martin Prince. Remember that episode where Bart opposed Martin for Class President, and all Bart’s friends forgot to vote, so Martin and his sickly little bitch friend voted, and Martin won? Heck, I do. It was on a few nights ago. Point is: Martin can beat Bart, and he shouldn’t be able to. The Warriors own the Mavericks, and under no reasonable God should they win 6 of 7 from that team. Also, Don Nelson looks like what I imagine Martin will someday grow into.

(2) Phoenix Suns vs. (7) Los Angeles Lakers: The Suns, by virtue of taking the NBA game to a new and interesting place the past few years, have to be Smithers. Wow, I didn’t expect myself to write that. Here’s my argument: Mr. Burns – and as such, Homer’s workplace – became a lot more interesting when Smithers was: a) colored properly; and b) gay. I doubt anyone on the Suns is out of the closet – I suppose Nash is a contender, and Paul Shirley is a bit fruity – but they make the game more interesting to watch, and Smithers does that with Springfield and the Power Plant.

As such, the ultimate foil of the Suns – the Lakers, who took ‘em 7 last year – has to be Mr. Burns. The Lakers are an all-powerful NBA dynasty; I think Stern probably would have killed a few people if they had fallen out of the playoffs in the last week. Burns, similarly, runs Springfield. I also kind of imagine the vision of Mr. Burns in a sash jumping out of a birthday cake – a frequent Smithers dream – is what Chris Mihm would look like doing that. The Suns want to be the Lakers – all ‘dem titles, a truly dominant man in the middle – and the Lakers are irritated by the Suns, who they can’t beat. It’s just like Smithers and Burns. Uh, kinda.

(3) San Antonio Spurs vs. (6) Denver Nuggets: If the Mavericks are Bart, the Spurs have to be Homer. No one on the Spurs is that boorish – aiite, maybe Tony Parker when Eva is getting all randy – but they’re the ultimate foil for the Mavericks. Some fans of The Simpsons would argue the show is really about Homer, but we’d all probably admit it’s a little less interesting when that happens. My point is: the NBA is, in many ways, about the Spurs – what they’ve accomplished and how they’ve done it. But the really interesting episodes are about the Mavericks. Also, you know you can envision Tim Duncan strangling Dirk the way Homer strangles Bart. You’re laughing on the outside and the inside right now.

The Nuggets are Comic Book Guy. Look at their roster – all troubled souls. KMart, Camby, NeNe, AI, ‘Melo. The Comic Book Guy is a freak. He kept people locked in their original cellophane in one fantasy episode; he also downloads porn on Dial Up. I bet George Karl does that.

(4) Utah Jazz vs. (5) Houston Rockets: The Jazz this season, because they peaked early and declined late, are like Barney. Every episode Barney is involved in sees him be funny at the outset, then get progressively less funny – i.e. mostly burping – as the show rolls on. It’s odd I just attributed a Mormon area to a raging, fatass drunk, but what do I know anyway?

The Rockets are Professor Fink. One simple reason: Jeff Van Gundy kinda looks like him.

Eastern Conference

(1) Detroit Pistons vs. (8) Orlando Magic: The Pistons don’t do anything tremendously well, but seem to do everything really well. In this way, they’re Lisa. Lisa is the glue of The Simpsons: she’s the moral center like “E” on Entourage, the classic straight man like whoever played that role on Wings, and the intellect, like Chrissy Snow on Three’s Company. She does it all, and so do the Pistons. I bet ‘Sheed would get down to some of her sax-a-ma-phone groovings, too.

The Magic, with apologies to Hedo and Jameer, are truly a one-man team: Dwight, Dwight, and mo’ Dwight. I’d make ‘em Millhouse: he’s the biggest one-note joke around. Oh, look, a nerd who follows Bart around and likes his sister. I haven’t seen that formula before. Also, when I speculate, in my weaker moments, on what Millhouse will be like as a grown-up, I kinda of imagine Brian Hill pacing the sidelines at Amway.

(2) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (7) Washington Wizards: The Cavs are Nelson. It’s simple, really: LeBron can do everything so much better than the other people on the court, he just runs around saying “HA HA!” But here’s the kicker: he really needs others, in the form of support. Nelson is just a “scared little boy,” as Marge says one. So’s LeBron. He’s shaking in his gold-plated house.

The Wizards, right now, are Ralph Wiggum. “I stuck my crayon in my nose.” They’re friggin’ jokes. With Gilbert and Caron, they’re McBain. “How do I sleep at night? On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women.” They’re studs.

(3) Toronto Raptors vs. (6) New Jersey Nets: The Raptors have a lot of foreign players, which might be the most interesting thing about them (now that I’ve said that, they’ll win the East). As such, I’m making them Dr. Nick Rivera, a foremost “kinda foreign” character in Springfield. I bet Andrea Bargnani comes to shootaround sometimes and says “HI EVERYBODY!”

The Nets should be really good, but they’re not. They were barely .500, yet they have two guys capable of going off for a double-double in the same game, not to mention Richard Jefferson. Sheesh. They have the same core – even better, maybe – that they rode to the Finals a few years back, and they’re finishing .500 in a depleted East? Much less, in the Atlantic? PLAYOFFS?!??! PLAYOFFS??!? Alright, I’ll stop. They’re Maggie. We need to give up the whole “Maggie Don’t Talk” angle; it’s been friggin’ 16 years. Let’s get her character moving in some type of direction, alright? Let’s get her out of neutral! That’s where the Nets are.

(4) Miami Heat vs. (5) Chicago Bulls: The Heat are Krusty. I think Shaq is funny, and Antonine Walker probably has a monkey that gets around via roller skate.

The Bulls, to round us out, are Sideshow Bob. Why? A bunch of battles with the Heat, including last year’s six-game tilt. This one might go 7. These two are fast becoming rivals – remember Opening Night this year on TNT? – and the Bulls, as Sideshow Bob, have to have comically large feet (Wallace!) and hate Bart (the Mavericks). Who doesn’t hate the Mavericks right now? They had the best regular season and everyone is gunnin’ for ‘em.

See how it all works out?

Oh, I just realized I didn’t predict a single thing. Well, since all episodes of The Simpsons come down to philosophical warfare between Bart and Homer, let’s go with Mavericks vs. Spurs as the “real” NBA Finals. And since Homer can live through anything – cannonballs to the stomach, poisoned blowfish, drinking 7 nights a week – let’s give it to the Spurs.