Voodoo Sabermetrics - Cole Hamels

Voodoo Sabermetrics reminds us that our love for the team includes our love of individual players. We usually have a favorite superstar hitter or pitcher or both. But what about those guys that you just… like? Maybe someone who pinch hits or steals a base now and then. Maybe an aging vet who is like an extra coach in the dugout. Rather than judge everyone by their stats, we’re going to use unique categories and scoring methods to check out baseball’s characters.

Our High Voodoo Council are:

Jack Cobra from The Cobra Brigade Neighbor Quotient and Scrappiness
Clare from Ladies… Hottness and Behavior
Gary GNU from GNUru Fantasy Baseball Clutchness
T.J. from Gheorghe: The Blog Atomic Number and Exposure
Sooze from Babes Love Baseball Jollyness
TC from Mr. Thursday’s Curious Mechanism Appearance and Quotability
Extra P. from The Extrapolater Name Quality (including nicknames)

This week’s target has that elusive quality that is usually reserved for movie stars – women want to be with him, and men want to be him. He is undoubtedly the ace of the Philadelphia staff, and has been variously described as “wicked”, “awesome”, and “bendy”, mostly here.

The only previous Voodoo Sabermetrics target I ever recall getting these kinds of positive across-the-board marks is Roger Clemens. And a lot of that was very grudgingly given – we just couldn’t deny that the dude had a long history of awesome to fall back on, even though only Texas Gal actually likes the guy. In this fella’s case, he ranked very well in both athletic prowess and likability. So, without qualms, I give to you:

Cole Hamels.

Name: Colbert Richard Hamels. I hope his parents started calling him “Cole” right away, because that is a mouthful.

“Cole” is a nickname in the truest sense of the word. His ungainly first name has been “nicked” to shorten it. I like the name Cole, so that’s a point in his favor. Paired with his last name, Hamels, it has a nice rhythm to it, and it also allows Sooze to write me emails with the subject line Hole Camels. And then there was “Stop! Hamels Time…” Can’t beat that with a stick.

Colbert was dealt a difficult hand, but made gravy out of it, with a neat, unique name. I still hope he earns some kind of colorful moniker from his Philly Phans, but he’s not doing too badly for a guy who’s only been in the league for a couple of seasons. 8 out of 10.

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Atomic Number (or Chemistry, if you prefer)
Hmmm, let’s go with Polonium, Atomic Number 84. Yeah, that seems like a good choice (by the way, I just looked at a Periodic Table for the first time in 12 years…truly exciting stuff). Polonium is apparently hot enough scientists have pondered using it to heat spacecrafts. It’s powerful (and deadly enough) Russian dissidents have been silenced by it (Alexander Litvinenko). Sounds like Cole Hamels to me.

Charlie Manuel is praying Hamels is hot enough and powerful enough to support a rotation in shambles (just look at the starters in the Phils/Mets series this weekend). Hamels is one of the best young pitchers in baseball. He’s currently 2nd in the NL in Ks (116), 3rd in Wins (9…first to 9 wins actually) and CGs (2) and 9th in IP (111.2). In April, he struck out 15 Reds in a complete game five-hitter. He had a perfect game through seven in May against the Brewers, and ended up striking out 11. Yes, the kid’s smoking…

and yes, it does need to be addressed, the female population seems to find him smoking hot. On that front, it seems young Mr. Hamels is so hot the ladies at “The Ladies…” can’t even decide who gets to bed him first. I believe Clare has first dibs on Cole, but it’s hard to tell (I have a strange feeling Clare might expound on this today).

Exposure
Not an issue for this kid at all. Apparently, since Hamels was called up, he has had numerous fan clubs in the stands, going by various names, including “The Cole Patrol”, “The Cole Mine” and “The Cole Train” (hell, it’s Philly, these could be the same clowns each game and they just can’t decide on a consistent name). Even more importantly, Cole Hamels has joined Chuck Norris and Tim Tebow (and I’m sure many more) as objects of over-the-top internet affections via the “fun fact” website. I’ll leave you with just a few of my favorite Cole Hamels Facts:

* When Cole Hamels is on the mound digging in his glove, he is really just text messaging Tony Danza.
* Cole Hamels knocked down the Berlin Wall. With a change-up.
* Cole Hamels once saddled Jesus Christ with the dreaded “Golden Sombrero.” He came within one strike of doing the same to God.
* Cole Hamels isn’t left-handed, he’s bored.

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Neighbor Quotient: Playboy model wife, check. Likes to drink, check. Willing to give me free tickets, check. Left handed, check. When you add these up, Cole Hamels is a top notch neighbor. Although he has had some issues with fighting when he drinks, I believe with rough-houser Gavin Floyd out of town, Hamels will be able to behave well enough to be my neighbor. 10 out of 10.

Scrappiness: Hamels is left handed, so already the world is working against him. On top of that, he was born with an added toe on his right foot and his diet consists of mac & cheese with Miller High Life and green peppers. The rumor is that while on the road, Hamels likes to walk through the city and challenge homeless men to fistfights, but only after allowing the homeless men to use a shiv as a weapon. If it is a homeless woman, she gets to use a lawnmower blade, much like in the movie, “Sling Blade” mmmm…hmmm…Hamels scores a cool 14 out of 6.

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When Extra P. said earlier in the season that he’d be covering my boyfriend Cole Hamels for a future Voodoo Sabermetrics, I promptly slipped a mickey into Texas Gal’s tumbler of Maker’s and shoved her out of her seat at the VS Round Table.

Hottness: 101.3 degrees
Cole has a shaggy surf-punk mop of chestnut hair that the ladies (“the ladies” = me) just want to run their fingers through, dark blue eyes and a dazzling smile. I subtract a few tenths of a degree for the Little Lord Fauntleroy look he’s sporting of late, though. At 6’4″, with big, broad shoulders and a lanky, wiry build, in Bizarro Sports World, we’d only be talking about Cole once every four years: during the men’s 200m butterfly event at the Summer Olympics.

Though he looks delicious in his red and white pinstripes, when kicking around the idea of watching him do his thing in much, much less clothing, I get the vapors. Alas, this is the closest I’ll get. He’s hot stuff on the mound, too: He can overpower you with his lively fastball, or make your knees buckle with a changeup. He can work you either way. That’s hot.

Behavior: Yellow alert
Can you believe the polite, humble 23-year-old who talks about what a nerd and klutz he was as a kid, who has stars in his eyes at the prospect of going to the All-Star Game, and who keeps strawberry-peppermint lotion for troubled skin in his locker is the same guy who missed most of a season in the minor leagues for breaking his pitching hand in a bar fight? Even though he got married in the off season, he might still be at his naughty ways. (The On the DL ladies seem to think he is.) Let’s not forget that he married a woman who got naked on a reality show for peanut butter, so the wild streak is probably still there.

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My numerical scores will correlate to the alcohol contents of various beers. In case you care, here’s the scoring system.

Disclaimer: I am a horrible, diehard Phillies fan. I am obsessive. I am also left-handed, and have an extra special interest in southpaw pitchers. I cannot explain this, but it has led me to unnatural enjoyment of such major league stalwarts as Terry Mulholland, Dan Plesac, and, yes, Rheal Cormier. For the record, I have never trusted Billy Wagner. This all said, though, I adore Cole Hamels. He is my favorite Phillie pitcher since, um, ever. I like him even more than I liked Schilling in 1993, and Cole hasn’t even taken us to the playoffs yet. So, let’s just assume Cole is the first double Utopias winner, and I have also promised him both Clare and Texas Gal for whatever physical needs he might have. In fact, I’m willing to, uh, bend over and get dirty, if that’s what he wants, too*.

*This joke unauthorized by the KSK Gay Mafia.

Appearance. Long and tall and lanky, and with gumby-like flexibility, it would seem. The long hair, and cool demeanor display his San Diego-an (San Diegan? San DieGON.) upbringing. Cole, here is a giant bottle of Utopias.

Quotability. Cole is a funny guy, but a giving guy also. Like this quote (#105):

In the beginning, Cole created the heaven and the earth.

And the Philadelphia was without form, and void; and the NL East was upon the face of the Phillies. And the Spirit of Cole moved upon the face of the Philadelphia.

And Cole said, “Let there be light”, and there was light.

And Cole saw the light, that it was good; and Cole divided the light from the NL East.

And Cole called the light Philadelphia, and the darkness he called New York.

And Cole said, “Let there be a World Series in the midst of the NL East, and let it divide the Philadelphia from the NL East.”

And Cole made two great pitches; the greater pitch to rule the New York, and the lesser pitch to rule the Atlanta; he made stars, also.

And to rule over the NL East and over the National League, and to divide the Phillies from the National Leage, and Cole saw that it was good.

And Cole blessed them, saying, “Be a dynasty, and win many World Series, and fill the NL East with sadness, and let the Philadelphians multiply and multiply… on Broad Street.”

And on the last day, Cole Hamels refused to rest, pitching another 2 hit shutout, just for the hell of it.

In Cole Hamels we trust. A bottle of anything you like, sir!

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Cole Hamels seems like a pretty jolly guy. He has that hair that kinda looks like wings… what do they call that, hockey hair? Sadly, it doesn’t quite qualify as a mullet.

I’ll give him a Eugene Levy on the Jollity Scale, simply for the fact that he’s got enough jolliness in one of his eyebrows to cheer up all of Phillies Nation.

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Clutchness:

Cole Hamels is to the Philliadelphia Phillies what Chuck Norris is to the martial arts movie industry- part badass and part the brunt of many jokes. Hamels even has a fansite, Cole Hamels Facts, that mimics the internet phenomenon, Chuck Norris Facts. Since his debut in 2006, the young left-hander has become revered among baseball fans for his promising talent, legendary bar-fights, and his Playboy Playmate wife, Heidi Strobel.

Although Colbert Hamels has yet to complete a full major league season, Hamels’ impressive stuff has led him to a 18-11 record and 256 strikeouts in just 239 innings. If Mr. Hamels can stay healthy, he will certainly go down as of one of the greatest folk heroes in Phillies history.

GNUru Clutchness Factor: 8 out 10 Roundhouse Kicks

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We like him, we really like him! I mean, he’s got the whole cross-platform marketability thing going for him. Guys like it that he’s an aggressive ace who once punched some dude out, and ladies like it that he’s a dreamy, down-to-earth guy who once punched some dude out. He can go from smoky to good-ol’-boy in ten seconds flat:

Cole Hamels is clearly good for what ails the hardened, embittered City of Brotherly Love and Cheesesteaks. If the Phillies can keep him around and not blow his arm out, maybe everyone will start feeling a little more charitable and Santa won’t have to fear for his life this Christmas.

Help us, Cole Hamels. You’re our only hope!

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Read past issues of Voodoo Sabermetrics here.