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Archive for November, 2006

In much the way that trust fund babies don’t care about money, Grey’s Anatomy star Katherine Heigl is not impressed by beauty. In a recent interview at CNN.com, the striking actress downplayed the role that flawless skin, large breasts, and a gorgeous face have played in her rise to TV stardom:

I understand the desire and the need to look and be perfect in this industry. But I’m a real woman, a real size … well I don’t even know what size I am. Between 4 and 6, depending on the day.

I am not perfect. I have my moments where I feel sexy and healthy, and then I have days when I just want to put on my sweats and not talk to anyone. Beauty is such a superficial thing. People only see your exterior and there’s so much room for misjudging people based on how they look. All these beautiful, perfect people do not have beautiful, perfect lives. All these beautiful celebrities have the same pain and turmoil in their lives as I do. I think it’s more important to be my personal best and put that out there.

We here at The Extrapolater deplore the media’s obsession with young, strong, toned, glistening bodies. We have chosen our photos for this article based solely on the way they complement or illuminate Ms. Heigl’s thoughtful words:

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“I think it’s more important to be my personal best and put that out there.”
(editor’s note: mission accomplished!)

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“I have days when I just want to put on my sweats and not talk to anyone.”
(Yes, we see, you look absolutely hideous in sweats)

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“All these beautiful celebrities have the same pain and turmoil in their lives as I do.”
(especially common are neck and shin pain)

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“I don’t even know what size I am. Between 4 and 6, depending on the day.”
(this will come as a great comfort to all of the other “regular gals”)

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“Beauty is such a superficial thing.”
(Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears. – Edgar Allan Poe)

The Extrapolater stands with Ms. Heigl in defiance of the tyrrany of beauty. Perhaps we will all live to see the day when all celebrities, male and female, are valued for their minds and their souls, and not for the meaningless ability to boost TV ratings, or hit counts for some crappy little blog.

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College basketball cognoscenti have had an eye on Indianapolis’ own Butler University for a while now. The Bulldogs have been a mighty mouse under sixth-year head coach Todd Lickliter, dominating the Horizon League with annual 20-win seasons, and handing out Gonzaga-esque upsets in the NCAA tournament.

Even this recent history of being way too big for their britches didn’t prepare anyone for Butler’s blazing start to the 2006-2007 season. Picked to provide some frisky cannon fodder in the Preseason NIT, Butler’s cagers ripped off monster win after monster win, mowing down big names like Notre Dame, Indiana, Tennessee, and Gonzaga on their way to the title. They then had to fly back home and play Kent State with less than a day’s rest, and won that game in double OT. They are undefeated and belatedly cracked the top 25 this week. The best part? The Horizon League preseason poll picked the mighty Bulldogs to finish sixth in the conference. Nice guess, Nostradamus.

Having practically sewed up a tournament bid in November, the Bulldogs must now slog through a conference schedule filled with warm puppy chow: Detroit, Youngstown State, Wisconsin-Milwaukee, ad nauseum. A December game against Purdue is their sole remaining big-time challenge until the NCAAs. Since we’re not likely to see them on TV for a while despite that stunning resume, let’s take a few moments to meet the Butler Bulldogs:

Head Coach Todd Lickliter
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  • Is a morose man who has only smiled in public once, after watching Rick Majerus throw up in the parking lot of an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet restaurant
  • Is getting pretty tired of the “Lickliter? I hardly know her!” jokes
  • Has worked tirelessly to clear his name from the federal no-fly list after coaching a partial season for the Anh Ahli Sports Club of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
  • Imagines his team would get more national press if Jason Whitlock had gone to Butler instead of Ball State

Senior G/F Julian Betko
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  • Transferred to Butler from Clemson after discovering that 99% of his fellow students couldn’t find his home country of Slovakia even after being spotted the correct continent
  • Has a standing invitation to turn pro after this season as place kicker for the Colts
  • Learned English by watching Schoolhouse Rock and Falcon Crest exclusively

Junior G Mike Green
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  • Starred at Philadelphia’s prestigious Franklin Learning Center, but people still assume he’s dumb, thanks to TV ads for the Sylvan Learning Center
  • Transferred to Butler from Towson University after discovering that his classmates couldn’t find Maryland on a map even after he pointed to it
  • Had to sit out a season after transferring, but kept himself sharp by dodging cars with Pacers star Stephen Jackson

Junior G A. J. Graves
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  • Thinks people compare him to Kirk Hinrich because of his NBA-level game, instead of his look
  • Was originally brought to Butler on a mascot scholarship. Who knew the kid could play?
  • Once shot a man just for snoring too loud!

Senior F Brandon Crone
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  • Really looking forward to playing pro ball in Uzbekistan next year. Has heard the women are unbelievable
  • loves unicorns
  • Determined to make the 2007 NCAA All-Academic team by incorporating test answers into the tribal tattoo on his arm

Senior C Brian Ligon
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  • Asked to borrow a copy of coach Lickliter’s Hey Soul Classics, but was told that he must buy his own
  • Has only scored 37 points in seven games for a 5.3 scoring average. How does he keep his starting job? Here’s a clue:

Freshman F/C Elliot Engelmann
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  • Is tall
  • Is Caucasian
  • Hails from the Land of Lincoln!

Now, if you’ve been reading me for a while, you know that I am lazy, and love a recurring idea that can carry me through sports season. And time is ticking on the “Porn Name All-Stars” gravy train. So get ready to meet more mid-major surprises in future editions of “Who The Hell Are…”!


I kid because I love here at Extrapolater. However, I do have a site dedicated to getting the straight dope about colleges across America, called College Rule Notebook. If you’d like to set me straight, take the quick survey. We’ll dig up links & photos to illustrate your answers.

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Bees Bust Beau

Airport security officers tired of cleaning dog poop from moving walkways were thrilled at news that weapons researchers at Los Alamos have trained bees to sniff out explosives. Scientists rewarded the bees with sugar when they correctly identified C4 plastic explosive, gunpowder, or dynamite. “When bees detect the presence of explosives, they simply stick their proboscis out,” research scientist Tim Haarmann told Reuters in a telephone interview. “You don’t have to be an expert in animal behavior to understand it as there is no ambiguity.”

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Homeland Security operatives learn proper bee-handling procedures at Quantico

The Department of Homeland Security has employed the bees and specially-trained handlers in test airports across the United States. Early results have been mixed. Bees in Dallas were able to detain pistol-packing former football coach Barry Switzer, which employees of Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport call “a no-brainer”. They were also responsible for the search and seizure of several bottles of Jarritos soda, which was being illegally smuggled in dangerous glass containers by a pair of Boston honeymooners returning from Puerto Vallarta.

A public relations nightmare ensued when the bees were test-marketed at Seattle-Tacoma Airport, however. Observers report that Roger Ellis of Bluffwood, Kentucky arrived on flight 314 with the intention of meeting an internet sweetheart. “He was kind of nervous about meeting her in person” said Ellis’ seatmate Jennifer Balaban. “I just told him to pick up some flowers at the gift shop and surprise her after we got through security. I had no idea it would end so badly.”

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The scene of the incident

Federal agents stopped Ellis as he was leaving The Rose Box, a popular florist’s booth located in concourse B. Proprieter Janet Temusaki rolled her eyes as she described what happened next. “They brought bees to a florist. What did they think was going to happen? This clumsy dolt from Homeland trips over a floor display of chrysanthemums and just obliterates the bee-box. Next thing I know, the customer and I are engulfed in a cloud of pissed-off bees.”

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Ellis suffered extensive facial swelling after the attack

Temusaki was able to avoid serious injury by diving into a nearby smoker’s lounge. The impenetrable wall of penned-in cigarette smoke kept the enraged arthropods from pursuing her any further. Ellis was not so lucky. He took multiple stingers to the arms and face when he panicked and began swatting the insects with the bouquet he had just purchased.

Roger Ellis was forced to undergo several days of treatment and observation at the University of Washington Medical Center, but says he harbors no ill will toward the agents who temporarily disfigured him. “It’s hard to stay mad when you have a wonderful woman like Lynette by your side”, he smiled. “I looked so horrible after all those bee-stings that she couldn’t help but be pleasantly surprised when the swelling went down. I might not look like I did in the 1985 photo I posted online, but she was just relieved to see that there was actually a chin under all that pus. She says I’m as sweet as Tupelo honey!”

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Roger Ellis and Lynette Johnson are still able to laugh about the way they met, despite the continuing bee surveillance program

The government has offered to repay Ellis by allowing the happy couple the use of a romantic government cottage located at the Guantanamo detention facility, but they have opted instead for a dream vacation at the Yakov Smirnoff Theater in Branson, Missouri.

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mangino.jpgSix wins is all it takes to make a college football team bowl-eligible. In the days of the eleven-game schedule, six wins was a winning season. Just barely, but it counted. Now that college football has gone to a twelve-game season, a team can finish at .500 and still be eligible to play in the Rust-O-Leum Bowl in Tucumcari, New Mexico on December 12th. It might not sound like much, but for one glorious Tuesday, a 6-6 team has a chance to get off that balance beam, either soaring to 7-6, and a recruiting bonanza, or plummeting to a shameful 6-7. And the opportunity to retard the oxidation of ferrous metals is nothing to sneeze at, either.

But what of the proud coaches who must play the 6-6 waiting game? Mark Mangino has guided the Kansas Jayhawks to just such a record, making them bowl-eligible for the second time in as many years. The pride of that accomplishment is not lost on him, but the agony of being the ninth-best team in an eight-bid conference has taken some of the shine off of the team’s commitment to mediocrity.

I don’t know if the term is strange” Mangino said after taking several comforting bites from a turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sandwich. “We’d certainly like to play another game. We feel like we deserve the opportunity to play another game. But we don’t have control of the situation.”

The most difficult task for the coaching staff is keeping the edge on a team that doesn’t know if the season is over. “We’ve got to stay hungry” Mangino said. “That’s not going to be easy. But I told the guys to think about the pre-game buffet table we had at the Fort Worth Bowl last year. They had those awesome little crab puffs, some prime rib, even regional cuisine, like taquitos and sour cream. A 5-7 team hasn’t earned that. The buffet table is for closers!

Ironically, the Jayhawks’ inability to close might be exactly what keeps them home this year. The Jayhawks lost in overtime at Toledo and failed to hold a fourth-quarter lead in an extra-period loss to Nebraska. Dropping games to hapless Baylor in Waco and fellow fence-sitters Oklahoma State at home didn’t help matters.

mangino_t450.jpgMangino rejects the notion that Jayhawk fans might enjoy a holiday season spent licking wounds and regrouping instead of watching the KU secondary get deep-fried by the likes of Kent State. He paused to reflectively suck a spot of gravy from his sweater before replying. “There’s a lot of pressure to win in the Big 12. It’s not an easy task. You look these kids in the eye and tell them fourth place in the North Division is nothing memorable… you tell them, because I can’t do it”.

KU basketball coach Bill Self scoffed at Mangino’s sensitivity to criticism. “He’s got it bad? My kids just knocked the defending national champs out of the #1 spot and I’m still getting flaming bags of dog poop on my lawn for losing to Bucknell two years ago. If Man-gina needs to alleviate stress, maybe he should spend some of his $1.5 mil a year on a gym membership. Boo-hoo, I beat Northwestern State, I deserve a bowl game! Give me a break!”.

Whether a coach with a 25-35 career record and a 1-1 record in lower-tier bowl games should be rewarded with a multi-year contract is a question for another day. For now, the only question the Jayhawk seniors have is “Will we ever play football again?”. And if the only question their coach has is “Will they ever open a Carl’s Jr. in Lawrence?”, who are we to judge?

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This week I decided to discard my East Coast Bias and “dress left”, as they say in the tailoring industry. We’re going to Pac-10 country, where a preponderance of Polynesian patronyms almost did me in. The rich haul in quarterbacks alone was worth the trip, however.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present your 2006 Pac Ten Porn Name All-Stars:

Offense

John David Booty – QB – USC
Isaiah Stanback – QB – Washington
Nate Longshore – QB – California

Terry Longbons – RB – Arizona
Tracy Slocum – RB – California
Patrick Fuller – RB – Oregon State
Michael Pitre – RB – UCLA

Maserati Jemison – WR – Arizona State
Aaron McVein – WR – Oregon
Marlon Wood – WR – Washington
B.J. Dennard – WR – Arizona
Nick Vanderboom – TE – USC
Adam Heater – TE – UCLA
Eric Beegun – TE – California

Joe Longacre – OL – Arizona
Brandon Rodd – OL – Arizona State
Sean Sheller – OL – UCLA
Andy Levitre – OL – Oregon State
Ryan Bush – OL – Washington

Defense

Darius Savage – DL – UCLA
Hayden Piper – DL – Oregon
Thor Pili – DL – Oregon
Papapa Nicholas – DL- Oregon State
Greyson Gunheim – DL – Washington

Joey LaRocque – LB – Oregon State
Greg Van Hoesen – LB – California
Max Johnson – LB – Arizona
Lou Ferrigno, Jr. – LB – USC (c’mon, he’s the son of The Incredible Hulk!)

Rodney Cox – DB – Arizona
Chris Baloney – DB – Arizona
Greg Laybourn – DB – Oregon State
Kenny Long – DB – Stanford
Matt Fountaine – DB – Washington

Special Teams

Darryl Blunt – P – Washington State
Morgan Flint – K – Oregon
Brandon Hancock – RB/KR – USC
Peter Hill – OL/LS – Washington State

Some ex-jocks have a hard time adjusting to life after football. With names like these, the fortunate few should be ready, willing, and able to find their post-collegiate careers.

Previous editions:

The Big Ten

The SEC

The ACC

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Thanks to Deadspin readers, this post has far surpassed The Extrapolater’s previous record for hits in a single day. I hope this doesn’t presage some kind of Peyton Manning-level meltdown in the playoffs…..

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Thanksgiving day is thought of as a time for family togetherness, but if your family is like ours, the meal is actually the only time everyone is doing the same thing at the same time. The morning hours are dominated by parade coverage, which is traditionally enjoyed most by the female members of the family, and then afternoon nap time is devoted to football. Two competing cable networks fielded polls, asking their viewers to solve this dilemma.

Lifetime Network poll: How do we make Turkey Day football more fun?

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Dallas and Detroit wear that boring blue, white, and silver combination. Get cuter outfits on the field!

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Meet your new sideline reporter, Dr. McDreamy.

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Offensive linemen remind us of our husbands. Could we get more tight ends, please?

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Some kind of baby cam would be soooo cuuuute.

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Dump that skanky sideline reporter in the river.

Spike TV poll: How do we make the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade fun to watch?

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Pellet-gun sniper contest.

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NASCAR-sponsored float races. 50 laps around Central Park.

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Some kind of big-headed animal wrestling match would be awesome.

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Marching ensembles should have an urban paintball “battle of the bands”.

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Dump Meredith Vieira and Matt Lauer in the river. But Vieira should probably be wearing some kind of white t-shirt or tank top or something.

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Over The River, Through The Woods

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CNN reports that some travelers may be delayed by bad weather this Thanksgiving. The Extrapolater would like to throw out some half-assed suggestions for reaching your destination despite the weather before we knock off early and go to the bar for a quick drink or three.

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Let Dennis Quaid pull you in a kiddie pool, or life raft, or whatever that is.

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Get your Stoli on. Pimp your sleigh like Dr. Zhivago.

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The 1984 Ford Tauntaun handles exceptionally well in snow. And it gets great gas mileage.

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Travois. Extremely popular way to carry injured comrades in old westerns, but Ralph Nader has declared it to be “unsafe at any speed”.

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The family that luges together, stays together.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Extrapolater. And remember, triptophane and dogsledding don’t mix.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

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Kramer Lands Film Deal

michaelrichards.gifOn the heels of his racist rant directed at a pair of comedy club hecklers, former Seinfeld star Michael Richards has found that the notoriety is working in his favor.

The comedian, best known for his outrageous Kramer character, has been contacted by Mel Gibson’s production company, which is interested in using Richards’ comedic sensibility and immunity to common sense in an upcoming feature film. Richards has been tapped to play the lead role in “Guess Jew’s Coming To Dinner”, a loose remake of the 1967 Sidney Poitier film of similar name. Screenwriter and Director Gibson describes the plot:

My fantasy narrative centers on a fictional visit by Sammy Davis, Jr. (Richards, in black-face) to the home of an upper-crust family. He’s there for Thanksgiving, and during the meal the patriarch of the family, played by me, has a few too many and says some silly things about Jews that he doesn’t really believe. Then the mother gets really angry with the father and drops a few n-bombs. There’s a whole big mixup before they all begin to realize that underneath the skin, they are all united by their fear of homosexuals. It’s a heartwarming comedy that urges us to give the people we love a second chance. I think that’s the message I really want people to take home from this movie: we’re human and we make mistakes, but we can forgive and forget, right?

mel-gibson.jpgRichards agreed with Gibson’s sentiments, adding “What’s really important to remember is that the mother and father are not racist or anti-semitic. By the end of the film, my character is able to understand that people aren’t always responsible for what they say when they’re drunk, or just really, really mad.”

Richards concluded his remarks by pointing out that some of his very best friends are black, and that he’s sure they understood that the reference to inverted lynching was included for comedic shock value.

Gibson will produce the film under the newly-formed imprimateur of Kikeaninny Films, which is believed to be a referential tribute to the classic films of D.W. Griffith.

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In a related story, Michael Richards is suing Borat for making him look like a racist.

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Home Before The Holidays

Most of us are lucky enough to have Thursday and Friday off for the Thanksgiving holiday. The Extrapolater presents the top 10 excuses you can give your boss that might convince him to let you skip Monday through Wednesday and make it a full week.

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10. Still recuperating from the Cruise-Holmes wedding. That Xenu sure can party!

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9. Tired of burning down the garage with the deep-fryer. This year I have to dig a fire pit for Luau-style turkey!

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8. I volunteered to cook holiday meals at the D.C.-area Shelter for Unemployed Incumbents.

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7. Have to give a deposition in my lawsuit against Borat.

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6. “The Closer” marathon on TNT!

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5. Still waiting in line for my Playstation 3.

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4. Scheduled for rectal surgery. Apparently my wife was serious when she said she was going to shove that damned Blackberry up my ass if I didn’t stop messing with it.

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3. I’ve been asked to fill in for Bob Barker on “The Price Is Right”.

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2. Blew out my knee playing Fantasy Football.

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1. I’m drunk, you suck, and this job blows.

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I had a hard time deciding which conference to cover this weekend. I had already scoured rosters and made my lists for either the Big East (gotta catch them on the rise!) or the Big 12 (homer instinct). Then I saw the promos for the big #1 vs. #2 matchup this weekend – Michigan vs. Ohio State. Of course! The Big Ten! Which also sounds like a good porn name.

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If you are new and need a refresher in the concept, visit last week’s post.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I present your 2006 Big Ten Porn Name All-Stars:

Offense

Juice Williams – QB – Illinois
Jeff Panfil – QB – Purdue
We were a bit light on QBs this week. What I wouldn’t give for Jeff Smoker’s younger brother to be playing at Michigan State right now.

Tom Busch – RB – Iowa
Amir Pinnix – RB – Minnesota
Kory Sheets – RB – Purdue

Derek Harden – WR – Ohio State
Eric Peterman – WR – Northwestern
Bryant Creamer – WR – Illinois
Nick Polk – WR – Indiana
Kirk DeCremer – TE – Wisconsin
Kyle Sackrider – TE – Michigan State
Will Crall – TE – Ohio State

Jon Asamoah – OL – Illinois
Kenny Love – OL – Indiana
Jake Long – OL – Michigan
John Masters – OL – Michigan State
Joe Tripodi – OL – Northwestern

Defense

Jay Ramshaw – DL – Illinois
Joe Kremer – DL – Indiana
Jonal Saint-Dic – DL – Michigan State
Quinn Pitcock – DL – Ohio State
Clint Huntrods – DL – Iowa

Mike Humpal – LB – Iowa
Deon Hightower – LB – Minnesota
Adam Licker – LB – Ohio State
Antonio Steele – LB – Illinois

Spencer Ridenhour – DB – Penn State
Matt Hornaday – DB – Michigan
Doug Rheam – DB – Penn State
Antonio Gully – DB – Illinois
Major Ramsey – DB – Indiana

Special Teams

Brandon Ream – P – Penn State
Andrew Ley – K – Michigan State
Garret Bushong – WR/KR – Purdue
Jack Wall – OL/LS – Illinois

I guess you’ll be wanting a prediction here.

(Drumroll, please)
Based on quantity and quality of Porn Names, Ohio State will still be the undefeated #1 in the BCS standings when they wake up Sunday morning.

Previous editions:

The SEC

The ACC

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