It is finally election day, and after playing our cards very close to our vests, the Extrapolater is ready to give our blessing to the senatorial candidate we feel will best represent our interests in Washington. Weary of the partisan bickering between Republican and Democrat, we have chosen a third way – a road less traveled. We now present our endorsement for the hotly contested midterm elections of 2006:
Daniel Webster, of the American Whig Party, will ably represent the interests of ordinary citizens in Washington. Let us share the positions of this eminiently reasonable man:
1. He opposes American involvement in the War of 1812. If elected, he will press the administration for a clear and timely plan for the withdrawal of our troops from the contested areas of Lake Champlain.
2. He supports free trade. In his view of the future, our magnificent sailing ships will ply the trade routes of the world, bringing back exotic spices and rum.
3. He speaks passionately for the primacy of congress over the unfettered power of the executive branch of government.
4. Opposes the annexation of Texas, slavery, and the right of states to secede from the union.
5. Hasn’t the foggiest idea what a stem cell is.
His opponents will tell you that he is a liberal spendthrift, forever living beyond his means and indulging the degenerate vices of gambling and alcohol. We would say to you that a man who wastes his own wealth is more honest, and of more value to this nation than a man who would drain the treasury and leave a generation of young men and women broken from an unsuccessful conflict overseas.
In short, Daniel Webster is a man for our times. His statement to Dick Cheney, calling him “a febrile babboon absent the sense God gave a clam” is proof that he does not shrink from speaking truth to power. And the truth has never needed voice more than it does this very day.
Take Washington back. Vote Whig. Vote Webster.
Thanks to Wikipedia for the historical assist.