The sports world was rocked yesterday by news that the San Francisco 49ers have cut off talks with the city of San Francisco, effectively announcing that the team will leave venerable Candlestick Park. Team officials have indicated that the nearby municipality of Santa Clara is their first choice of a new destination, so The Extrapolater has sent our west-coast correspondent to scout possible interim locations large enough to house the team’s practice facilities and playing surface.
Advantages: The center is fully staffed and equipped to handle large numbers of guests, including catering and off-street parking. The exhibit halls can easily house a full-size football field once staff takes down those weird accordion-folding curtain thingies.
Disadvantages: Professional football players + nightly open-bar wedding receptions = lawsuits and potential police involvement.
Advantages: Plenty of parking. Team manager saves tons of money buying replacement gear from sporting good stores. Two words: FOOD COURT!
Disadvantages: Players already spend too much time hitting on Victoria’s Secret employees and customers. Relocation would only increase this behavior.
Advantages: Can watch game film on the big screen. Kick-ass beer and wings specials on game day.
Disadvantages: An IR list dominated by air hockey and mini-bowling-alley injuries. No actual playing field.
Advantages: Beautiful natural setting, with spectacular planted beds that burst into glorious bloom every spring.
Disadvantages: Installation of playing surface would destroy most of these beds. Quarterback Alex Smith is afraid of bees.
Advantages: Has concessions and parking. Closed during football season, so team can move rides to install field. Is hella-fun.
Disadvantages: Linemen too big to fit under safety bar on roller coasters. Frank Gore and Chad Williams still too short to ride the Vortex.
The 49ers have also considered building a new facility in the California desert, reminiscent of the Pink Taco in Arizona. An initial cease-and-desist order from Clemson University seems to have effectively killed the Death Valley relocation, however.