Brethren and Sistren, The Extrapolater is in severe journalistic pain this morning. We are upon the horns of a dilemma, with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. When we began the new series “Who The Hell Are…” last week, the intent was to highlight the mid-majors who upset the big schools and make a name for themselves – those schools deserve to be misrepresented and defamed in print at least as much as top programs from money conferences.
So what’s the problem, you ask? We were all set to write about Wichita State over Syracuse this week – it seemed perfect. But then… our own alma mama played the DePaul University Blue Demons. Kansas strolled in as #5, having just defeated the top team in the country – the defending NCAA champs from Florida. This is always bad juju for the Jayhawks. Having already witnessed the NBA-lite KU team lose a lackluster game to Oral Roberts University, we knew they were vulnerable. And sure enough, the lightly-regarded team from Chicago went on a late run and put the game away with solid D and hot shooting.
The Extrapolater is one who respects a good opponent. And an unranked team upsetting #5 is clearly the more worthy story. We will retain our intellectual honesty and write an even-handed satire of this worthy team of go-getters. The ethics of fake journalism demand it.
- Producers of Law & Order considered hiring Wainright to play the Lennie Briscoe character following the death of veteran character actor Jerry Orbach. They were forced to relent when focus groups asked for “more hot lawyers and less depressing-looking old dudes”
- Moved to Chicago from Richmond, VA and has found the reduced crime rate to be a refreshing change
- Had his color chart done: he looks best in “mud” or “dust bunny” hues
- Is a known consort of the demon Esrahoth, who has rewarded him with many upsets at schools like Richmond and DePaul, but ages him 5 years for every unexpected victory.
- Was kind of upset when he found out he signed with the Blue Demons instead of the Blue Devils
- Plays in Chicago. Wears a red,white, and blue uniform. Has hispanic surname preceded by “Sammy”. Does the chest bump after a big play. Why does that seem familiar? Here, have him stand in front of this wall of ivy while I think on it…
- After single-handedly destroying the Jayhawks in the last five minutes of Saturday’s game, kicked a puppy – hard
- Is from Michigan. Still unclear why he had to drive 100 miles in a westerly direction to join a team from the Big East
- Tried out for the 2005 season of American Idol. Inside sources say he quit when Paula Abdul asked him to “try that number again, but lose the pants this time”
- Thinks fascism is a perfectly viable form of government, as long as the trains run on time
- Originally signed with the University of Miami. Transferred after Miami broadcaster Lamar Thomas handed him a pistol and instructed him to “blast any damn Tech fool who comes talking mess in our house”
- As an honorable mention McDonald’s All-American, recieved a coupon for free large fries with any sandwich
- Frequently goes through the Twelve Items Or Less line at the grocery store with 30 or more items, claiming that a stack of frozen pizzas is “only one item”, then pays with a third-party, out-of-state, temporary check
- Is a proud graduate of the inaugural class of Robert “Tractor” Traylor’s Big Man Camp
- Worked his way into the starting lineup against Kansas on the strength of a stunning no-point, one rebound game in a loss to Purdue
- Farts loudly and often in practice, but blames it on Jabari Currie
- Thinks Hillary Clinton is “hotter than Georgia asphalt”
- Does a dead on impression of Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air
- Argues loudly and obliviously that Roger Daltrey was the best James Bond ever
There now, that wasn’t so bad. We feel better for having written the truth without letting our emotions get in the way. Anyone know if Fox Sports is looking for a “fair and balanced” sports commentator? Because we are feelin’ it, baby.
I kid because I love here at Extrapolater. However, I do have a site dedicated to getting the straight dope about colleges across America, called College Rule Notebook. If you’d like to set me straight, take the quick survey. We’ll dig up links & photos to illustrate your answers.