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Archive for December 8th, 2006

Pammie’s On The Prowl

Pamela Anderson Lee Kidrock is on the singles market again, following the surprising announcement of her divorce from the fading Detroit rocker. Not one to be alone for long, Pammie is already seeking her next opportunity for public sex with a dirty degenerate. Following the caveat that she likes her greasy cadaverous paramours to be at least marginally famous, Las Vegas oddsmakers have established a lineup of potential mates who might attract the reigning poster girl for sub-clavicle enhancement.

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Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, Kid Rock. Is anyone man enough to follow in their…ah, footsteps?

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Chris Kaman (Los Angeles Clippers)

Line: 30/2

Drawbacks: No visible tattoos. Is a devout Christian. Reggie Evans pulled his testicles off during the 2006 NBA playoffs.

Advantages: Is ambidextrous. Can palm a basketball, so ought to be able to handle Pam’s enhancements. Big shoes, big….

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Jack White (White Stripes)

Odds 18/1

Drawbacks: Seems just a tad unhinged. May be in love with his sister, or whatever Meg is.

Advantages: A far superior musician compared to the other guys she’s dated/married/boned on camera. Will give her cred for a whole new generation.

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Colin Farrell (Miami Vice)

Line: 10/1

Drawbacks: Might currently be too handsome. Appears to work out. Quit greasing his hair after “Miami Vice” wrapped.

Advantages: In ten years, will probably look just like Tommy Lee. Rarely showers. According to rumor, is hung and will screw anyone.

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Travis Barker (Blink 182):

Odds: 7/2

Drawbacks: His ex-girlfriend, Shanna Moakler, will knock a bitch out for messin’ wit her man.

Advantages: Ugly, skinny, epically tattooed drummer – Pammie’s kind of fella.

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Puck (Real World San Francisco)

Line: 5/1

Drawbacks: Will stick his fingers in the peanut butter. Generally after eating his own boogers.

Advantages: Serious nostalgia publicity for bringing this guy back into the public eye. He can deliver all of her important documents on his bike.

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Chris Robinson (Black Crowes)

Line: 2/1

Drawbacks: Formerly married to Kate Hudson, so may prefer a pretty face and small boobs. At risk to break in half during sex.

Advantages: Even more skeletal than Kid Rock. Likes dope. Is one year older than Pam.

So, it appears the smart money is on the aging stoner on the rebound. The Extrapolater is going with a dark horse, however. We think Puck has a puncher’s chance in this melee. He’s not putting on an act, there’s real crazy behind those dilated pupils.

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Anderson has attempted to generate publicity for her manhunt by emulating Britney Spears’ pantyless antics, but has encountered widespread ennui among the celebrity press. “It’s sort of like a ‘been there, done that’ kind of reaction.” sulked the pneumatic Canadian “I guess now that I’m pushing 40, I’ll have to start paying people to take pictures of my hoo-ha”.

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Pamela Anderson Lee Kidrock: A portrait of the artist at 40

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The Extrapolater would like to thank Mrs. Extrapolater for helping him come up with a comprehensive list of dirty male celebrities. He would also like to have a word with her about how she knows so much about dirty male celebrities.

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