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Archive for December 13th, 2006

The Pittsburgh Steelers and the Cleveland Browns languish at the bottom of the AFC North standings. Both teams will likely miss the NFL playoffs. Right now, none of that matters. Today Joey Porter and Kellen Winslow battle only for the championship of each other.

“I didn’t mean to offend anybody but Kellen Winslow” snarled Porter when reporters questioned him about a slur he used to describe the Browns’ star Tight End.

And so began the long-awaited 2006 NFL Crazy-off. While other NFL stars might compete for the individual title of “Craziest Player of the Year”, only Porter and Winslow have had so much opportunity to be crazy in, about, around, and on one another. As divisional rivals, and positional opposites, they have at least two opportunities per year to unbuckle the strait jackets and flail at one another, and they have not disappointed.

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“I say old chap, I do find your tone to be disrespectful, and I invite you to copulate with your own mother”

Some pundits give Porter the edge, citing the dog vs. horse incident, as well as his famous rant against the creeping menace of intelligence as a component of offensive play design. He also threatened to confront the President during the team’s post-Superbowl visit to the White House, and was shot in the ass while visiting Denver for a college rivalry game.

“Joey’s batshit, no doubt about it” said a league spokesman who declined to be identified “but I think we’re confusing ‘entertaining’ with ‘truly unhinged’. If I had to pick one crazy mofo to commit to the asylum today, it would be Kellen.”

When asked why, the source clarified his statement. “Joey Porter makes counterintuitive and amusing statements, and is a legitimate danger to the community, albeit through the proxy of his canine companions. Kellen Winslow shows the kind of gregarious self-destructive behavior that only a priveleged child trying to live up to the accomplishments of his father can exhibit. He’s like a black George W. Bush.”

“Witness. He attended the University of Miami, so we know he’s consorted with known criminals. He compared himself to a f#$*in’ soldier after a downfield block against Tennessee. He crashes his motorcycle almost as often as Ben Roethlisbergererer. Basically, he’s willing to destroy himself for publicity, and that’s a level of dedication to the craft that I don’t think Joey can match.”

Based on this wholly subjective asessment, as well as other evidence that sounds good with very little to back it up, The Extrapolater declares soft (derogatory term) Kellen Winslow II to be the winner of the 2006 NFL Crazy-off.

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