Archive for December 19th, 2006

From the moment that Ryan Seacrest read his name as the winner of American Idol 5, Taylor Hicks was ready for the spotlight.

Through countless grueling hours of auditions, performances, and filming of horrendous product placement spots, the grey-haired soul cougar relentlessly positioned himself as That Funny-Dancing Guy from American Idol.

“Taylor is an original.” said Seacrest “Nobody will ever confuse him with The Fat Black Guy from American Idol, That Single-Mother Chick, or The Dude Who Looked Like Sideshow Bob.”

Hicks won legions of fans with a tried-and-true cocktail of pop suavity. He shouted “Soul Patrol!” with the relentless audacity of a Tourette’s patient. Then he incorporated the severe intestinal discomfort caused by performance anxiety into his dancing style, which reminded many of William Shatner’s acting in T.J. Hooker. That, and speaking with a southern accent, was all it took.

“I really thought I was done for the first time that McPhee chick leaned into the camera.” said Hicks “And then when she showed her coochie, I was ready to pack for home right then and there. I mean, if I was sitting at home, I’d vote for “That Hot Slutty Chick” instead of “Funny Dancing Guy”, wouldn’t you?”

But it appears that Hicks and McPhee both underestimated the contempt that Idol’s predominantly southern fanbase holds for anything resembling a Yankee. Past winners have included a Texan, an Oklahoma farm girl, a Tarheel, and now two Alabama natives. McPhee’s glossy, L.A.-trained stage persona didn’t pose any real threat to Hicks’ deep fried corncakes.

“We considered auditioning just on the chitlin’ curcuit for season six,” said Seacrest “But then we realized we need a few Jennifer Hudsons (a Chicago-born early-exit garnering Oscar buzz for her role in Dreamgirls) to give us some semblance of artistic legitimacy.”

And what of Taylor Hicks? He’ll be laughing all the way to a High School gymnasium near you in early 2008.

“Woo! Soul Patrol!!! Dawg Pound!” shouted Hicks, apropos of nothing.

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While I’m screwing around at my day job, not taking the time I should for fake news, sate your cravings with this fantastic Sports Illustrated-style intimate profile of future National Championship Runner-Up Urban Meyer by Jonathan Tu.

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