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Archive for December 21st, 2006

Native Americans Support Goode Immigration Policy

Representative Virgil Goode (R-Virginia) has caused an uproar with anti-muslim statements he made in this letter to a constituent. Critics have called the letter xenophobic and racist, and marvel that the Congressman was able to disseminate his opinions so quickly while using technology prevalent in the 17th century.

At least one minority group is giving the beleagured lawmaker much-needed support, however. The World Indigenous Tribes Establishment has joined with the Official Union of Tribes to form a powerful lobbying group. And they think Goode is right. In fact, they don’t think his policy goes far enough.

“The Congressman is right” said WITE-OUT spokesman Leonard Quosset “most of the problems in this country can be traced to unchecked immigration. Quoting from his letter, he says ‘We need to stop illegal immigration totally and reduce legal immigration… to prevent our resources from being swamped’. Nobody can attest to the truth of that statement like my people can”.

Quosset continued. “Where we think he’s a bit soft is on the time frame. Why settle for halting the immigration problem where it is now? We feel that any future immigration bill should not only arrest the flow of current and future non-citizens, but should also contain a retroactive provision. Kicking out anyone who didn’t live here before oh, say… roughly 1600 A.D. ought to get this country back on the right track.”

Goode issued a statement thanking WITE-OUT for their support, but took some issue with the retroactivity clause.

While I agree in theory with Mr. Quosset’s organizational aims, I must reject his notion that his people would be better off if my forefathers had never founded Jamestown. Before white settlement, aboriginals were shiftless layabouts – hunter/gatherers with no system of ownership. They wandered the pristine countryside of this great nation and did as they pleased. What kind of life is that? Without us you wouldn’t have casinos or tax-free cigarettes, and no reservation to call your own. Clearly, you need us.

With the Koran-contra scandal following Macaca-gate, Virginia voters are tired of being embarrassed by their elected officials. “I’da voted for Goode’s opponent, Al Weed” said Agriculture Consultant and Fifth District resident Jimmy Walseck “but I thought those big WEED signs were for the legalization of marijuana. If they legalize it, there go my profits. If I had known he was just a politician, and a Democrat to boot, I would have pulled the right lever.”

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Apparently I’m not the only one who caught the irony of this stance.

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mt_st_helensfightsmaller1.JPG

You read that right – Oxana Fedorova will fight Tawny Kitaen atop Mount St. Helens for the Women’s ultimate fighting championship.

Gong Li thinks it will be “hot”.

In other news, Eric Dane will be driving Yoko Ono to the Pro Bowl this year, after her driver was accused of trying to kill her.

What a crazy end to 2006.

Thanks to Yahoo Buzz for showing me how to increase my traffic! Quality content is so overrated.

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How Do You Solve A Problem Like Soccer?

Soccer is a problematic sport for Americans.

To us, it’s an English game, and we generally like the English. They’re plucky. When England sends us something we like, we keep it. Examples would be The Beatles, Monty Python, and Kate Beckinsale. On the flipside, what we don’t like, we send back to the kitchen. Hot tea, the Queen, and the word “ssshedjule” did not take root in our fertile soil.

Hold on, don’t get restless. I have plenty more metaphors to mix before I’m done.

Soccer is somewhere in the middle. Everyone enjoys playing it, but nobody wants to watch it. We Yanks love to see a good scoring run as much as any other Tomas, Richard, or Henri, but we hate the strategic passing, the nil-nil scores, and the crybaby turf-diving.

So why does it work here at all? Because Americans like to be good at everything, and because we have more than our fair share of iconoclastic personalities. Only Australia has more square pegs per-capita. In 99 out of 100 American homes, the speedy, athletic kid with endurance to burn will make Dad proud and pick up a helmet or a stick. But that one percent gives Pops the middle finger and goes out for soccer, because that kid loves it and plays it well, and because he doesn’t like being part of the status quo. These are the guys and gals who make up our World Cup teams.

Almost everywhere else in the world, that ratio is inverted. Most of the club teams are filled with superior players, and the national teams get to pick and choose the best of the best from those squads. It’s kind of like the bad old days of the Olympics, when U.S. teams were made up of true amateurs while the Soviets and Chinese basically spared no expense to build inhuman quadruple-lutzing robots who killed us more often than not. That wasn’t cool, and I really don’t think the Dream Team concept is any better (especially since they took up sucking).

At some point I suspect we’ll get serious about Soccer and put together a team that can compete with the big boys. We already have the talent, but we don’t seem to have the guts to play with our balls out just yet. Maybe we just haven’t found the soccer version of Michael Jordan yet. Or better yet, the soccer version of Magic vs. Bird.

The World Cup is probably the key. If Zinedine Zidane had head-butted Landon Donovan to the ground, you’d probably have big-hat rednecks signing up to fight the foreign menace the next day. Well, maybe not Landon Donovan, he’s a bit of a twerp. But I guarantee Oguchi Onyewu would have folded ZZ’s crepes for him. The U.S. doesn’t really have rivals in international soccer, and until someone pisses us off, we probably won’t take the whole thing seriously as a nation.

I could be wrong though. It could just be that shinguards itch.

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