Cavalier Head Coach Al Groh slumps wearily into a leather chair, taking a moment to rub his bloodshot eyes.
“I won’t lie to you, this has been a tough season” says Groh “We lost a few that we should have won. But we came up big when it really counted. We didn’t lose a bowl game on national television. Notre Dame can’t say as much. I’m proud of that.”
Virginia Football has been in good hands since prodigal son Groh left the NFL’s New York Jets and returned to his alma mater at the turn of the century. The Cavaliers dominated regional rivals in consecutive years to take home the Continental Tire Bowl Trophy, and put an early nail in Glen Mason’s coffin by defeating Minnesota in a Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl for the ages. Their lone bowl loss this century came on the blue turf of Boise, Idaho in 2004.
“That MPC Computers Bowl loss was a fluke!” insists Groh, thrusting his chin out in a pale imitation of Bill Cowher “It was cold and flu season, and it was all any of us could do to keep ourselves from puking our guts out, playing on that damn cerulean artificial surface!”
Groh grinned. “You like how I threw ‘cerulean’ in there? That’s how we roll here at Mr. Jefferson’s University.”
Some fear that the academic standards at UVA will keep them permanently in the ACC’s middle tier, as Big East transplants Miami and Virginia Tech increase their hegemony over the enlistment of nefarious novitiates (How you like me now, Groh? Kansas in da house! thesaurus.com much?)
Coach Groh likes to point out that his roster full of true student-athletes has not dampened the team’s post-season luster one bit.
“Sure, my kids go to class, and they get good grades. They’re not out trying to sleep with 17-year-olds or getting into brawls with directional schools. And despite all of that piety, we have never, ever lost a BCS bowl game. The results don’t lie-this team is ready to join the elite.”
“You want to know the only thing that makes it hard to recruit kids to Virginia?” Groh continued “Columns. Every damn building on grounds has to have columns, including Scott Stadium. Kids today don’t want to see red brick and columns – they want stainless steel clocks and glass urinals and all kinds of internets and ebays.”
“In short” he concluded “If we can just get the Architectural Review Committee to loosen up a bit and get on board, I can guarantee this school a championship. Print that – guarantee.”
“And oh yeah…. bring back the pep band!”