editor’s note: this is my satirical article from basketball season. If you want to read my sincere appraisal of the Virginia Tech massacre, and the aftermath, please read this instead.
Moved from Big East to ACC.
Home arena: Cassell Coliseum in Blacksburg, VA.
A Hokie is some kind of primordial turkey.
Blah, blah, blah.
Now that we have that out of the way:
THEY FREAKIN’ BEAT DUKE AT CAMERON!!!!!!!!!
Big time… that is big time, brother. In a tight OT game, the Hokies hit their free throws (well, enough of them, anyway) made their shots, and ran out the clock. That’s how you win on the road against a top-5 team.
So who are these enterprising upstarts?
- Is no relation to teen idol Seth Green, and is frankly getting tired of answering that question.
- Graduated in 1978 from the cradle of coaches, Fairleigh Dickinson
- Was able to sneak into the Duke locker room and steal a playbook with his spot-on impression of Coach K’s BFF, Dickie V.
- Often burns the midnight oil breaking down film. A favorite is Girls Gone Wild in Cancun.
- Prefers to play at home because maroon and orange road uniforms cause inner ear problems that make him vomit uncontrollably.
- Was the 2003 Dairy Farmers of Florida player of the year in his home state. Alligators are reptiles and thus do not have nipples, so not even Gaylord Fokker could milk one. This organization sounds highly suspicious to us.
- Likes to jam the Best of Bryan Adams in the locker room. Says “Cuts Like a Knife” prepares him for slashing cuts to the hoop.
- Doesn’t really care too much for basketball, but feels that Blacksburg is a locus for positive energy that will shield him from alien probes.
- Copied his chin beard from a Quaker Oats cannister.
- Tells people at Blacksburg nightspots that he is the youngest Vick brother, Mookie.
- Was thrown out of the Old Spice Classic for wearing Hai Karate.
- According to team bio, is majoring in Apparel, Housing & Resource Management. Would prefer the NCAA not hear about that.
- Deron’s father, Lionel, is a former NFL Cornerback and current Packers assistant coach, making him the only person to ever intercept Bret Favre and later coach him.
- Was initially drawn to Virginia Tech by the Bimbo Coles mystique, stayed for the cheese fries.
- Member of the National Honor Society, so he tells people he goes to Virginia Polytechnic Institute to make it sound more impressive.
- Would kick a polar bear in the face for a Klondike Bar.
- Has heard “Hey, Coleman, why the long face?” roughly 1,782 times since birth.
- Already earned his Bachelor’s degree and is now going for his Masters. I don’t have a joke, I actually think that’s pretty damn impressive.
- Writes a column for the student newspaper. Next week’s feature is titled “Who The Hell Is… The Extrapolater?”
And, coming off the bench, all-namer Robert Krabbendam.
The best thing about writing this feature every week is that I really do learn something about the teams I research. What I’ve learned here is that the Virginia Tech media relations team needs to get on the stick and talk up this basketball team. With student-athletes who actually care about studying, and a high schadenfreude quotient from beating Duke, maybe they can ameliorate the stink wafting off of the hooligans on the football field.
However, from now on, I will be referring to all Virginia Tech teams by a new nickname of my own choosing: The Tofurkeys.
I kid because I love here at Extrapolater. However, I do have a site dedicated to getting the straight dope about colleges across America, called College Rule Notebook. If you’d like to set me straight, take the quick survey. We’ll dig up links & photos to illustrate your answers.