Bujumbura, Burundi – This war-torn country has witnessed some of the worst crimes one human being can visit upon another. And yet shock permeates the capital city today, after an act of depravity no Burundian could ever concieve was visited upon the country’s most vulnerable citizens – its children.
The frenzy began yesterday, as two private planes coasted onto the tarmac at a private airport that has seen better days. Inside each silver bird were individuals whose net worth easily doubled the Gross National Product of this resource-poor land. They were the American Celebrities, come to place the gentle hand of noblesse oblige upon the head of a fashionably poor nation.
“Madonna had already done Malawi” said Hollywood superagent Ron West. “And Brangelina really set the tone by cherry-picking some of the best orphans from the real cesspits of the world. My clients were looking for just the right place to showcase their generosity, and when I looked at a globe, I knew Burundi had that ‘it factor’ we were looking for.”
Those clients were Tinseltown royalty. In one plane were Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, looking to burnish an image made shabby by Scientology and Tom’s public meltdowns. “Having their own natural kid wasn’t really raising the Q ratings the way we had hoped” said West “So off to Africa we went”. In the other plane was Paris Hilton, with gal pal Britney Spears.
Both celebrity couples arrived at the Zumbaya orphanage around noon, and began immediately pushing and shoving, wrestling for position near the really cute kids. The violence bubbled over when Hilton spotted Tengela Tsumbuba, a waifish 3-year-old girl with enormous eyes and straight white teeth.
Not to be outdone, Cruise vaulted over the table, upsetting the slop plates of several less telegenic potential adoptees, and catching one young boy in the eye with the four-inch heel of his shoe. Spears and Holmes immediately began sparring, trading blows before smashing into a bank of photography lights, which toppled onto a rickety bed holding four malnourished toddlers and their pet gecko, Steve.
Exclaiming “That’s Hot!”, Hilton scooped up Tsumbuba and deposited her in a stunning Gucci purse, showing the instinct for accessorizing that has earned her worldwide acclaim. As she turned to run, Cruise kicked her viciously between the legs and promptly lost a shoe. The celebrity combatants crashed to the floor, crushing the diminutive Tengela beneath their combined weight of 125 lbs.
When all was said and done, the provincial police had been called, and stretchers had borne away 12 injured African children. The American Celebrities were sent back home, childless, their Burundian visas permanently revoked. Local orphanages have issued a standing “thanks, but no thanks” order governing any future attempts at foreign adoption.
But one participant in the ruckus has found the new home he so desparately needed. Snuggled deep in the Gucci bag, hidden from the prying eyes of airport security, was Steve.
Being a celebrity tramp’s flavor-of-the-month mascot is a pretty sweet gig, if you’re a gecko.