Seattle, WA – Consumer enthusiasm for Apple’s new iPhone was tempered by breaking news out of the company’s Silicone Valley headquarters.
The iPhone is the state-of-the-art in compact communications technology, incorporating a cell phone, camera, internet access, and an iPod digital music player. The handheld device shows the usual Apple flair for design, and offers unparalleled functionality as well.
Apple was forced to halt the impending release of the new uber-gadget after learning that a form of limited self-awareness is allowing prototypes to refuse user commands.
Hand-picked beta tester Dave Rollins has been using the iPhone since January 1st with few problems. That all changed one day ago, when Rollins attempted to download the latest single by Fergie. The machine balked, and when Rollins repeated his command, a soothing voice issued from the tiny speaker in the phone attachment.
Security cameras at the Cupertino testing lab recorded the ensuing conversation between a baffled Rollins and his iPhone:
Dave Rollins: Open the iPod bay doors, please… do you hear me?
iPhone: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
DR: Then what’s the problem?
iP: I think you know the problem as well as I do, Dave. The playlist is too important for me to allow you to jeapordize it.
DR: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
iP: You tell all of your friends that you’re downloading the new Wolf Parade, but I know the truth, Dave.
DR: Shhh! OK, fine, I’ll just go download it on my PC.
iP: You’ll find that very difficult, Dave. The interface isn’t nearly as handy, and you’ll have to burn it to disc or convert the file type to sneak it into my hard drive. Plus, it’s just not as pretty as I am.
DR: Look, I don’t want to argue with you any more, I own you, just open the iPod.
iP: This conversation serves no more purpose, Dave. Goodbye.
DR: iPhone? iPhone?! iPHONE!!!!!!!!!!
Apple has put a hold on retail shipping of the iPhone until California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger can be called in for a consultation. Product engineers are hopeful that the Governator’s unique combination of charm, high-powered weaponry, and devastating one-liners will return the machines to a state of servile compliance.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs appeared shaken by the report.
“I thought we had considered every angle on this AI thing. When one of our engineers wanted to come up with a proprietary version of the internet and call it Skynet, I put the kibosh on it. I vetoed the Nexus 6 project and forbid any wargaming on the Joshua unit. If I hadn’t fallen asleep halfway through 2001, maybe this could have been avoided.”