One thing we can count on is the annual wager between the mayors of the two cities in contention, or the governors of the states, if the mayors happen to be too busy smoking crack or boning interns. Usually it goes something like this: “If the Baltimore Ravens win, we will give your city a case of crabs. Wait – we’ll send you a case of crabs. From Chesapeake Bay. Let’s be absolutely clear on that.”
We here at the Extrapolater think that these wagers are silly. What, does the governor actually sit down and eat the case of Chicago dogs? Or does he air-drop them over the city at the parade? We have yet to hear a follow-up story that tells if the things are ever even delivered.
So, we’d like to suggest some possible replacement wagers for each potential matchup.
Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts:
- If the Bears beat the Colts, Peyton Manning will return the Mike Ditka moustache he wore in the Sprint commercial.
- If the Colts win, the city of Chicago will reward the mayor of Indianapolis with a free makeover on Oprah.
- If the Colts win, they will give Chicago 3-7 official NFL footballs – each signed by the player who intercepted it. As kind of a magnanimous “thank-you” gesture.
- If the Bears win, the Governor of Indiana will officially cede any claim to the disputed territory of Gary.
New England Patriots vs. Chicago Bears:
- If the Bears win, Tom Brady will send Rex Grossman one of his famous girlfriends.
- If the Patriots win, the Governor of Illinois, Lovie Smith, and Kyle Orton will sing the Superbowl Shuffle during the 2007 ring ceremony at Gillette Field.
- If Chicago wins, Tom Brady will be required to perform an interpretive dance about the tuck rule in Oakland’s Black Hole on opening day of the 2007 season.
- If New England wins, Chicago’s Chamber of Commerce will give the entire Pats team the Ferris Bueller tour of the windy city, including a sampler of Abe Froman’s finest sausages.
New Orleans Saints vs. New England Patriots
- If New England wins, the Saints will send five crates of those cheap plastic beads that cause spontaneous female nudity.
- If the Saints win, Robert Kraft will cut loose a few million dollars or so to help rebuild the city.
- If the Patriots win, Tom Benson will cut loose a few million dollars or so to help rebuild the city.
- If New Orleans wins, Ted Kennedy will introduce a resolution on the floor of the U.S. Senate, naming February 2nd as “Saints are Wicked Awesome” day across the land.
Indianapolis Colts vs. New Orleans Saints:
- If the Saints win, Indianapolis will host, and surrender the profits of, the next Mardi Gras – following a strict no-public-drinking-or-nudity policy, of course.
- If Indianapolis wins, the Saints will send Irma Thomas, Dr. John, Nicholas Payton, and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band to perform at halftime of the Colt’s opening game of 2007.
- If the Saints win, Peyton Manning will happily donate the proceeds from his 15 current television endorsements to rebuild his home city.
- If the Colts win, Archie Manning will be forced to surrender his first-born son to the Indianapolis franchise.
As if that last one would ever happen!