The annual Super Bowl wager is a reliable part of the pregame festivities. A little human-interest B.S. to keep us entertained as we grind through two weeks of lethargy-inducing interviews and speculative articles about the player matchups.
Typically the Mayors of the opposing cities shake hands over a civic-pride-boosting arrangement like this: “OK, if you win, the City of Baltimore promises to give you a case of crabs. Wait… I mean we’ll send you a case of crabs. From Chesapeake Bay… that you can eat… not the other thing. I just want to make that perfectly clear.” And then the Mayor of New York offers to send Baltimore some bagels with lox and everybody has a good laugh and photo op and we all go on our merry way.
This year, I propose we adopt a Super Bowl wager with teeth. Chicago and Indianapolis are a mere 165 miles apart, and the states share a long border, so there have to be a few issues we can clear up, based on who wins the game.
Contractual Agreement between Super Bowl participant Cities and States
1. Cessation of disputed territories
- If the Bears win, the Governor of Indiana will officially cede any claim to the disputed territory of Gary, Indiana.
- If the Colts win, Illinois will officially cede the border town of Carmi, and the world-famous statue of Big John.
2. Disposition of personal and organizational property
- If the Bears beat the Colts, Peyton Manning will return the Mike Ditka moustache he wore in the Sprint commercial.
- If the Bears win, the Colts will return up to 5 official NFL footballs – each signed by the player who intercepted it. These balls will be awarded to the Bears defensive unit in recognition of their ability to overcome futility in the passing game.
- If the Colts win, Joseph Addai will be granted use of O’Hare airport in order to shoot an updated version of O.J. Simpson’s Hertz Rent-a-Car commercial.
- If the Colts win, Dan Klecko and Jeff Saturday will be immortalized with life-sized statues made of cheese in the William “Refrigerator” Perry Fat Guy Touchdown Hall of Fame.
3. Promissory notes regarding goods & services
- If Chicago wins, the Bears will pay travel, meal, and accomodation expenses for Mayor of Indianapolis to attend the Oprah Winfrey Show on Makeover day.
- If Chicago wins, the NCAA selection committee will email the final tournament brackets to Bears’ HQ at least one hour before releasing them to the media.
- If Indianapolis wins, Chicago music legends Buddy Guy and Otis Rush will write a bad-ass blues theme song for the Colts, calculated to increase their street cred by roughly 15%.
- If Indianapolis wins, the Chicago Tourism Commission will give Colts players, coaches, and front-office members the Ferris Bueller tour of Chicago, including a free Abe Froman sausage platter to take home.
4. Imposition of legal restrictions
- Jason Whitlock will be forbidden from writing about Ball State University or Jeff George for the period of one calendar year.
- Jay Mariotti will be enjoined from writing anything at all during the same period.
The astute reader will note that no condition of victory by either team is required to enact the last two measures. They have been stipulated on humanitarian grounds, and are to be enforced regardless of the outcome of the game.See you next Sunday! Who’s bringing the crabs?