Charlottesville, VA – Early risers in this sleepy University town often stop by the McDonalds restaurant on Ridge-McIntyre Street for a quick bite of breakfast. This morning, the Egg McMuffins came courtesy of a familiar face: twice-hired and twice-fired Raiders coach Art Shell was leaning out of the drive-through window.
“It blew my mind” said big bacon & egg man Eric Angevine. “It looked like they supersized his freaking head or something. He must have been working on his clock-management skills, because the line was moving quickly. But I won’t lie – I checked my order carefully before I drove away from the window.”
NFL insiders speculate that Shell may have used his connections to longtime Charlottesville resident and former Raider Howie Long to secure employment in the challenging and fast-paced world of food service.
Store manager James Watson said that he usually keeps Shell wiping tables and sweeping the parking lot, but that the former NFL executive had really shown the potential to take on greater responsibility during the morning hours when his best employees are attending High School.
“Besides” said Watson “He brought his own headset, so I didn’t have to buy him one.”
Oakland, CA – Alameda County investigators are looking into the mysterious disappearance of new Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin late last night. Sources inside the department have confirmed that one person of interest in the investigation is 77-year-old Raiders owner Al Davis. Kiffin’s datebook shows that he was summoned to a dinner meeting at Davis’ home, and nobody has seen him since.
Kiffin, age 31, became the youngest head coach in pro football after Davis fired Art Shell following a disastrous 2-14 season. While some pundits question the wisdom of hiring a coach with no management experience, sources within the Raiders organization say that the iconoclastic Davis is always willing to roll the dice and take chances.
USC History professor Hilton Brown has another possible explanation for the Kiffin hire – one that ties into the mysterious disappearance of the hot young coaching prospect. “Al Davis is an avid history buff, and his recent reading patterns have shown a definite trend toward 17th century eastern Europe. Without a doubt, he would have come across the legend of Countess Erzabet Bathory of Hungary, who was said to have bathed in the blood of innocents to preserve her youth and beauty. Al looks like the Crypt Keeper, and Lane looks like The Beav. I’m just sayin’….”
Alameda County officials would not confirm or deny rumors that they would pursue the “vampire theory” during the investigation.