All right, now. You’ve been busting on them for weeks as the Gaels struggled to get their first win of the season. But be honest, they were an abstraction to you. You had no idea who they were or why they were losing, just the fact that they were blowing chunks out there and they weren’t your favorite team was a relief.
Well, thanks to Rider U., the Gaels can stop being a punchline and go back to the less public misery of just being a team that loses a lot. But I choose to give them one last public moment, in honor of the ending of the streak.
The Gaels play in the MAAC, and they call the Hynes Center home. As you can see above, their mascot is Michael J. Fox. They are a catholic institution located in New Rochelle, NY. They were Metro champs in 2006 and played LSU in the NCAA tournament, but this year they are horrible. That’s life in the MAAC, I guess.
Let’s meet the major players:
- Was quite an NBA player in the early 80’s. Yes, I’m talking about the guy in the picture.
- In the off-season, works with his daughers Courtney, Whitney, and Britney to form the next chart-topping girl-group.
- Loves coaching his alma mater because they let him keep that sweet corner dorm room he had as a senior.
- Led a successful campaign to keep Iona bean-counters from switching from the Swingline stapler to the Boston, which binds up more often.
- Was a 2006 McDonald’s All-American nominee, but was forced to withdraw after developing a severe allergy to special sauce.
- One of the best High School basketball players in New York City, but came to Iona because The Penguin told him to.
- Nearly majored in Women’s Studies, but now admits that he had no idea what that really meant.
- Since leaving his native Arizona to come to New Rochelle, has regained normal skin tone instead of being sunburned year-round.
- At 6’8″, 205 lbs, is in desparate need of the Freshman Fifteen.
- Writes Chuck Norris jokes in his spare time.
- Unable to attend Midnight Madness because bedtime is a strict 10:30 on weeknights.
- Ruined his credit record even faster than most Freshmen when he got drunk and mistakenly purchased an Arena Football League franchise.
- Liked it a lot better when he thought he was playing for the Gales.
- Trained with the Serbia & Montenegro under-18 team, but was kicked off the team because he forgot to bring orange slices when it was his day.
- Favorite movie: Napoleon Dynamite. He was disappointed to discover it was not a documentary of American life, however.
- Currently in negotiations with a major U.S. pharmaceutical company that wishes to use his last name on their new anti-seizure medication.
- Was somehow able to resist the recruiting wiles of Eastern Illinois and Jackson State to settle at Iona.
- Plans to major in Interpretive Dance.
- Figures if Peyton Manning can win a Super Bowl, the Gaels can make it back to the NCAAs next year.
This is all starting to look a lot clearer now, eh? These baby-faced kids were the starting five that finally beat Rider to end an 0-22 winless streak for the Gaels. The only other players to step foot on the court in that game were Sophomore Devon Clarke, and Senior Justin Marshall. Obviously, Coach Ruland has cut his losses this season and is building for the future.
Clearly the Gaels are going nowhere this year. But maybe all of this experience will translate into a banner season next year. Who knows? But I’ll tell you what – I wouldn’t want to be a Junior or Senior on this squad these days. Too many DNP-Gluteal Splinter days in the box score.
If you’re a masochist, or you like to root for the underdog, the Gaels will take on St. Peter’s (3-19) on ESPNU on Friday, February 23rd.
I can hear the promos now. “Iona! St. Peter’s! It’s a Parochial School BLOWOUT on ESPNU!!!!!! Be there!”
I kid because I love here at Extrapolater. However, I do have a site dedicated to getting the straight dope about colleges across America, called College Rule Notebook. If you’d like to set me straight, take the quick survey. We’ll dig up links & photos to illustrate your answers.