London – J.K. Rowling, author of the internationally revered Harry Potter series, has announced that the seventh book will be the final installment. Publishers, booksellers, and fans of the series have been openly fretful about the end of the serialized blockbuster, and some are near-catatonic over rumors that one or more major characters will die.
Rowling wrote Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on a very tight schedule, aiming to release the book by July of 2007. In a recent publicity interview, she gave some insight into the difficulty of penning such a sensitive goodbye on a deadline.
“Well, to be quite honest, I forgot all about the bloody thing until a couple of days before the first manuscript was due at the publishers. Gray’s Anatomy was on that night, so I actually didn’t get started until the next morning. It took me the full twenty-four hours to get it done, but adrenaline and coffee really got me through it.”
When asked if she was sad to be saying goodbye to her beloved characters, Rowling was subdued.
“Yeah, there may have been a few tears. Part of that was due to the power outage we had around 1:30. I lost about 152 pages and had to go back and re-write them. That sucked. But other than that the whole thing went smooth as shite through a goose.”
Rowling’s editor expressed shock that the final installment had been written in such a hurry, but the veteran author was unfazed.
“What does that twat know about writing? It’s a simple bloody formula, innit? You have your Harry’s family is mean chapter, your Harry’s friends rescue him and take him off to Hogwart’s chapter, then you throw in some Quidditch, Hagrid, and a new Dark Arts teacher, and voila, there’s another billion pounds in my account at Barclay’s.”
Rowling refused to confirm or deny the veracity of a website claiming to have gained possession of a leaked excerpt of the final chapter. The fansite published the following paragraphs, proclaiming them “the most enthralling Potter yet!”
Harry rose from his chair, weary to the bone.
“Well, thanks again, Ron and Hermoine (sic). I’m afraid this latest adventure has left me very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very tired. I think I will go upstairs and try to get some rest.”
Ron and Hermione gushed and simpered at one another like the two little poxy turds they were, and turned to go.
Hary climbed the steps, contemplating each one as he went. First he mounted the first step, followed directly by step number two, and proceeding on to step three, and step four. Step five was dank, and rang with a hollow boom when Harry stepped upon it, but he was tired of fixing every little thing himself, and proceeded on to step six and beyond.
Safely ensconced in his room, the young wizard decided to eat a packet of Every Flavor Beans before bed. As he chewed a bean that exploded with the repulsive flavor of David Beckham’s underarm hair, Harry perused the nutritional information on the back.
“Jelly, Artificial Color, Sugar, Clotting Agent, Aspartame, Spices.” he read “Spices. There’s the understatement of the century.”
Then, suddenly and mysteriously, an asteroid screamed from the heavens and flattened the entire school. Killing everyone inside.
Rowling was defensive. “If that is real, and I’m not saying it is, well, that’s a first draft, eh? I mean, should an author have written that particular bit of prose, she’d probably be planning to spend an afternoon revisin’, as it were. Don’t get the fanboys goin’ all codswallop and mind-yer-bits-n’-pieces on me, eh wot?”
Esteemed British publishers Bloomsbury have canceled any further publicity interviews for Deadly Hallows, and are said to be reconsidering their contract to purchase Rowling’s memoirs, tentatively titled “D.K. Dowling and the Incessant Bleating of the Brain-Dead Masses”.