San Diego – A tense situation turned tragic Monday night, when the San Diego Chargers fired several shots into the body of Marty Schottenheimer, killing him. The tearful franchise then turned the gun on itself, committing suicide.
Friends of the family characterized the relationship between the Chargers and Schottenheimer as strained, and speculated that the head coach’s problems with premature ejection in the playoffs might have added to the stress.
“Both Bill Cowher and Tony Dungy worked as assistants under Marty” said new Dallas Coach Wade Phillips “For them to find success he can’t achieve must have really made him feel like less of a man.”
Sources close to the Chargers organization speculate that the turning point in the relationship came in late January, when Bobby Ross, also a former head man in San Diego, retired from the Army Football program. Rob “Chud” Chudzinski, who left the Bolts to become Offensive Coordinator in Cleveland, speculated that Schottenheimer’s interest in another program might have finally pushed the Chargers to the breaking point.
“He was always mooning about how nice it would be to have a relationship without all of the pressure of the playoffs.” said Chudzinski “With Bobby out of the picture, he just couldn’t resist making eyes at a hot young college program. It happens to some men when they reach a certain age. But that doesn’t excuse his behavior.”
Chudzinski broke down in tears as he surveyed the damage that was done to the most vulnerable victims in the bizarre love triangle – the players.
“Shawne Merriman was barely holding on when he had two parents” sobbed Chud “what’s going to happen to him now that his whole family is gone? And LaDanian – so much potential in that kid. All this dysfunction and hate is just holding him back. It’s no wonder he’s started to lash out at successful authoritarians like Bill Belichick. He’s just sublimating his desire for a strong male role model.”
Schottenheimer’s body will be on public display during Tuesday night’s SportsCenter broadcast, but psychologists warn that his unnatural pallor, rigid posture, and vacant eyes may upset children in the viewing audience.
The Chargers have asked that resumes be sent in lieu of flowers.