In an unprecedented break from tradition, American Idol voters took to the phones one week early, inundating the Department of Homeland Security with nearly 14 million calls and 4 million text messages.
The subject that aroused such passion in a segment of the populace best known for inflicting Clay Aiken on the world? The border fence. No, not the southern border fence meant to slow illegal immigration from Mexico, but a trade barrier levied against our Canadian neighbors to the north.
In Wednesday’s final cut-down show, Idol viewers were bombarded by multiple consecutive heartfelt renditions of Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman, a ballad recorded in 1995 by Ontario native Bryan Adams.
“I lost consciousness sometime during the 8th version” said self-described Idol worshipper Danielle Cummings “when I woke up, I realized that Canada was ruining an American institution, because we allow them to import their crappy pop songs when we have plenty of crappy pop songs made right here in the good old U.S. of A.”
Cummings cited Celine Dion, Shania Twain, and Sarah McLachlan as other undesireable foreign nationals whose songs dominate the auditions for the show. She joined millions of other viewers in the grass-roots campaign to bar northern-born singers from submitting songs to American Idol.
Results of the voting will be aired on a special Friday night edition of the popular show, during which diminutive host Ryan Seacrest is expected to say the words “we’ll find out… after the break” at least five times, and attempt to break his own Guiness book world record for longest dramatic pause preceding an announcement, which he set during last year’s final results program.