I had a great email conversation with a friend of mine who went to the same High School as I did. She reminded me that my 20th reunion was coming up (a freaky thing to type, indeed), and said that I should go.
Now, she and I both hated high school and moved far away from our hometown, so I couldn’t imagine what her line of reasoning would be.
She said, in part: This is your one opportunity to completely jack with people. It’s like adult halloween! You can hire a spanish-speaking woman to play your wife and argue with her all night in two different languages about drugs, cousins, jail time, whatever!
Needless to say, I saw her point. I only kept up with a couple of friends from High School, and they would totally be willing to play along with something like this. The rest of them don’t know me from Adam, so I could tell them anything.
- Bring my four-year-old son with me. When someone asks “Is this your son? He’s so cute!” I look down at him, say “Nope”, and walk away.
- Tell them I spent three years in the minors and made it to spring training with the Phillies. I had to quit after Lenny Dykstra nailed me with a water cooler and gave me post-concussion syndrome.
- I was on President Bush’s Environmental Policy team. We were let go because we didn’t have a cool alert chart like Homeland Security.
- I was James Frey’s fact checker. That didn’t work out so well for either of us.
- I’m the green eyeball guy in The Residents. No, really!
- Head of marketing for Pepsi Clear! Damn glad to meet you!
- I’m Bjork’s wardrobe consultant.
- I own my own bail-bonds business in Cincinnati. I was thinking about closing up shop, but the Bengals are making it too lucrative to quit. I do miss Bob Huggins, though.
- I founded the Tri-County Society for Creative Anachronism. We really saw a surge in recruitment after Lord of the Rings came out.
- I’m an animator on South Park.
All of these have a memorable quality, and share the benefit of being nearly unverifiable. Sure beats the hell out of telling them what your real job is. If you have some good ones, feel free to share.