It’s been a while since I was able to use the “Shitty Photoshopping” tag around here. But Awful Announcing’s post about Joe Buck and his fondness for chokers inspired me. Voila:
I am heartily sick of U.S. McDonalds because I have a four-year-old son who wants to eat there every two days. But some of the food they serve overseas sounds kind of interesting. Especially fries with gravy and cheese.
And the owner of the aforementioned blog was kind enough to indulge my question “where the hell does the McRib go?” and led me to research the McRib (which I don’t even like), which led me to this hilarious ode to the compressed meat product in a bun.
I live in Charlottesville and loved watching Matt Schaub when he was a Virginia Cavalier, so I choose to enjoy this story of his leadership abilities in the highly unpopular “unironic context”.
I’m sorry, but I could totally see Joe Buck hanging out with the Gimp. Wouldn’t even phase me. If he’d only wear the ballgag during extra-innings telecasts, we’d all feel better.
I don’t know why, but I find this minor league mascot’s costume to be absolutely terrifying. But hey, what the hell, it’s New Jersey.
You think NFL minicamp is a sweaty, exhausting Hell for rookies? Naw – it’s all photo shoots and personal appearances.
Can you believe we have to remind adults not to blow out the arms of 12-year-olds?
Pacifist Viking points out that the line between blogger and columnist is getting really blurry. A point I agree fully on.
I am still cringing after viewing this video. And, in typical understated British style, the announcer only says “ouch”.
Oooh! Babes Love Baseball are breaking out the rookie cards, and starting a tournament. go vote!
Our buddy Ted Bauer goes once ’round the Wikipedia with Cole Hamels.
Ted Bauer is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass.
A body like Arnold with a Denzel face.
He’s smart like a doctor, with a real good rep,
and when he comes home, he’s relaxed with pep.
Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!
(repeat 4 times)
That’s right, Ted’s back to tell us What We Learned this past weekend in sports:
It’s a hard fall from the top
The St. Louis Cardinals, who dispatched the Detroit Tigers in five generally unmemorable games last October for their first World Championship since 1982, were summarily swept by a similar Tigers squad in the first round of Interleague Play this year. While the second game was kinda close – one run – the other two really weren’t. What this means about the broader season that we still have several months left of is up for debate, but I’d be inclined to say if you’re expecting another LaRussa victory parade, even in the weak NL Central, you might be on some type of peyote.
It’s a hard fall from the supposed top
The Suns, a tremendous team without question featuring two First Team All NBA selections, were nonetheless coronated too early. Virtually every preseason magazine and 3/4 of the “Playoff Preview” editions of those same magazines took the Suns out of the West, oftentimes over the even more favored Mavericks. Say what you will about David Stern and Stu Jackson’s effect on this series – in some respects, it was vast – but in Game 5, the Suns had a 17 point lead at one point and coughed it up. Then, despite a man child esque performance from the formerly suspended Amare in Game 6, they never really had a shot. Once again, a bunch of people totally forgot about the Spurs as a force, which is always an interesting element of the NBA playoffs – how do you field arguably the best team in the post-Jordan era and yet consistently get overlooked? Is it because of the River Walk’s declining popularity? Perchance.
Joe Torre’s life sucks worse than yours
Regardless of what happens once I finish typing this – the Mets are winning the Sunday night game presently – Torre will definitely lose his crosstown Interleague series, and what does he get Monday? The Red Sox, potentially the most torrid team in MLB. If the Yanks end up dropping six in a row to the Mets and Red Sox, their two biggest geographical and relevance-based rivals, here’s what I’d say: Torre gets the boot, even though it’s not his fault, and Girardi or Mattingly get to rebuild towards 2008. Wow. That might be kinda dramatic, actually. Let’s hope Cashman realizes it’s not a good time to go buy 100 new overpriced veterans.
The NHL isn’t that relevant
NBC bounced the overtime period of Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Sabres and Senators in favor of the Preakness pre-race buildup, which mostly featured a bunch of dudes with British accents standing around in manure filing forgettable reports. Meanwhile, Bill Clement on the studio show didn’t even mention where you could find the hockey game (at least not when I was watching); apparently it was on Versus, which bumped America’s Cup qualifying for it. You really have to wonder what type of sport America’s Cup qualifying would thus bump off a telecast.
The NHL isn’t that smart, either
I was surprised to hear that this would be the Ottawa Senators first postseason appearance, so I did some research, courtesy of the utterly unsourcable Wikipedia. Here’s what I came up with: the Senators, whom I had assumed were one of those teams formed when another team collapsed (i.e. the Nordiques becoming the Avs), were actually a 1992 expansion team – although, there was a team in Ottawa from the late 1800s to the mid 1930s. So, let me get this straight: the National Hockey League decided that for sixty years, it would be a good idea not to have a team in the capital of Canada? Ha.
Pierzynski: Brawl to Bomb
Remember Cubs vs. White Sox last May? That Barrett vs. Pierzynski brawl? (The highlight of that whole thing, by the way, was when Thom Brennaman, calling the game, said, “Alright, here we go now!” as if him and Steve Lyons were about to run up in there and start throwing haymakers). Well, the Cubs won the first two games of the Crosstown Classic this year, including getting help from a returning-from-the-DL Derrek Lee on Saturday, who hit a pinch hit grand slam. On Sunday, the White Sox averted the costly Interleague rival sweep by winning 10-6, mostly on the strength of a Pierzynski bomb in the 7th. He went from relevant for being an asshole to relevant for being an asshole to half the city. Interesting. His career trajectory is positively fascinating.
Suspensions don’t hurt everyone
The Suns choked away their Game 5 sans Amare and Boris, sure, but check this: the Ducks lost Chris Pronger for their Game 4 against the Wings, after he leveled Tomas Holmstrom in Game 3. What did the Ducks do? Came out and won Game 4 – then, for good measure, won Game 5 in Detroit Sunday on a Teemu Selanne (remember him!??!?!) goal in overtime (I’m shocked NBC was showing the game at that point, instead of Dateline). The Ducks, now headed back to Anaheim with a 3-2 lead, have to be considered the prohibitive favorite to face Ottawa – and with Pronger back, they have an answer for the Sens’ amazing top line. Viva la Anaheim!
The Rally Monkey has Alyssa Milano’s number
Speaking of Anaheim, the Angels utterly decimated the Dodgers in the Freeway Series this weekend, sweeping the rug completely out from under them in a battle of two first place teams. Here’s my piece: The Rally Monkey officially owns Alyssa Milano now, seeing as how Milano is effectively the lasting image of True Blue, much like R. Monkey is for the Halos. I mean, how many of those dudes has she slept with? Legitimately? Like, on and off the record, you gotta assume it’s 5-10. Meanwhile, I think the Rally Monkey had an awkward one night stand with Gary DeFelice once, but that’s about it.
There are still many times Interleague is irrelevant
Here’s a few to chomp on: Royals vs. Rockies; Padres vs. Mariners; Astros vs. Rangers; Devil Rays vs. Marlins; Orioles vs. Nationals; Reds vs. Indians, and the kicker to the entire thing – Diamondbacks vs. Pirates. They are both in the NL. You know when Selig was first presented the schedule plan, he was like, “Crap, the numbers are uneven. Alright, take the Pirates out of our plans. Find someone for them to play.” In fact, I’d put the over/under on the amount of times Selig has said the sentence “Take the Pirates out of our plans” per week at roughly 10, give or take, and betting the over is as close to a sure thing as you’ll find in this world.
And now, a personal note
I myself learned this week that on Friday, June 8th, I’ll be at another scintillating Interleague match-up, that being Orioles vs. Rockies at Camden Yards. I’ll be getting absolutely slammed while wearing a Brad Hawpe jersey, no doubt. This differs from my normal Friday night in that I’m not eating meatball marinara, downloading “Fooled Around and Fell in Love,” and watching a series of movies which may star Dermot Mulroney, but a figure a little change might do me good, no? (editor’s note: try the “cole slaw” at Boog’s)