The Foreman Is a Regular S.O.B. and the night boss, he’s a fool
He got himself a brand new flattop haircut
Lord, he really thinks that’s cool
One of these days I’m gonna blow my top
And there’s gonna be hell to pay
I can’t wait to see their faces when I get the nerve to say
Take This Job And Shove It . . .
From the epic poem A Price Above Bip Roberts by Ted Bauer
And now… What We Learned, also by Ted Bauer:
Cleveland does indeed rock
The Cavaliers will be making their first appearance in the NBA Finals ever behind maybe the greatest argument for every NBA Draft being done on local rules (crap, the Bobcats would be really good if that happened), Mr. King James. His Game 5 performance was legitimately ridiculous, perhaps only surpassed by Magic as a rookie or MJ with 63 on the parquet. Notice we said perhaps; it could have been the greatest single playoff performance ever, especially if you take into account how forlorn Cleveland had been as a sports city. In Game 6, the Pistons refused to let that happen again, so they doubled and tripled him. Enter new stud Daniel Gibson (he’s from Houston – used to play pickup with Emeka Okafor in the summers, mind you), who netted 31 (including 15 from three land) to help the Cavs reach the promised land. Somewhere, DeJuan Wagner silently weeps.
Tiger’s got some issues
Tiger Woods admitted relatively early into the weekend that he had “no chance” to win the Memorial. He hasn’t looked sharp in his last two Tournaments. Some claim it’s the impending fatherhood, and some claim it’s his busy non-golf schedule (he just hosted a massive charity event in Vegas, for example). Whatever it is, the U.S. Open begins a week from this Thursday, and Tiger likely will enter not as the favorite. That being said, who thinks he wins by anything less than 15 strokes? You gotta bet on a man for whom there are no rainy days.
A Tiger’s got some issues
Gary Sheffield tells GQ: “Where I’m from, you can’t control us (referencing Latinos in general) … you might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that’s a person you’re going to talk to with respect, talk to like a man.” I guess black people don’t fit that category, Mr. Iron Sheff? Ah, racism in baseball – it’s the only way to make June not be about whether Barry is hated because he cheated (or because he’s black…).
A-Rod’s Life is a Roller Coaster
Let’s summarize: mid-week A-Rod screams at a Blue Jays third baseman as he tries to catch a pop-up, violating an unwritten rule of baseball; two days later The New York Post shows him photographed with a woman clearly not his wife; he gets to Fenway on Friday and the Boston faithful wear masks to look like the woman; he doesn’t make a peep early in the series, and on Sunday, he hits a 0-2 pitch for a game-winning HR against Papelbon. Meanwhile, the Yankees – record-wise – still suck, and the team ARod will probably end up before the end of the next 24 months, the Cubs, look even worse. And despite making a gazillion dollars a year, he prefers beefier, athletic women. What the f? Can’t we set this dude up with Alyssa Milano or Anna Benson or someone?
Managers are getting heated
In a week when Bobby Cox got within one ejection of surpassing Tug McGraw for all-time tosses, about 7 other managers also got the heave-ho. Lou Pinella’s on Saturday was probably the one that garnered the most headlines – did he do it to deflect attention off the Barrett and Zambrano brawl the day before? – but the minor league manager who crawled around like a dog was definitely up there in terms of sheer entertainment value. This entire trend means one thing: a lot of network talent bookers are trying to find any contact information for Earl Weaver at this very moment.
Old people aren’t always ready to go
Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about a pitcher, that being Roger Clemens, who was supposed to knuckle up against the last AL team to win a World Series, the ChiSox, on Monday night. The ESPN promo for the game was already done and running all the time. Now it’s Matt DeSalvo hurling against the South Siders, and Clemens may be throwing Saturday – on FOX Game of the Week, no doubt – against the Pirates. Ha, what if Jason Bay goes yard on Clemens? When I say “yard” in this case, I mean like a 500-foot jack. Would Clemens just walk off the mound right there and say “I’ve had it up to here with this shit?”
White and black people can both flip flop
Kobe Bryant this week: “I want out of Los Angeles. It’s the only solution.” Kobe Bryant, a few hours later: “I’m a Laker for life.” Billy Donovan this week: “I’m taking more money to head to Orlando and give them a championship spirit. The pieces are in place there and it’s an intriguing opportunity.” Billy Donovan, Sunday night: “Yikes. Hedo Turkoglu? I think I’m going back to Gainesville.” If they remain popular in their communities, John Kerry should sue the pants off both of them.
Chris Pronger is a bad dude
Pronger was suspended last series against the Red Wings for a hit on Holmstrom. Now he’s suspended for Game 4 of this series – “this” happening to reference the Cup Finals – for a hit on Dean McAmmond in the Ottawa-fans-going-ape-like-Warriors-fans-minus-the-
WE-BELIEVE-t-shirts Game 3 atmosphere. This all follows up rumors that Pronger left Edmonton because he was nailing some girl behind his wife’s back. As for the actual series, the Ducks managed to still pull it out over the Wings without Pronger for that one game, and they may have too many weapons to fall to the Senators. The one thing it could do, though, is drive the puppy to 7 games, which would be cool for all of us.
Peter King is laying it all on the line
Peter King, for the third year in a row, threw a Super Bowl pick out there on Memorial Day to buck the trend of his colleagues. Let’s recap: two years ago he had Minnesota vs. New England. You know what happened? “The Love Boat.” Last year, he had Dallas vs. New England. You know what happened? “The Botched Snap” (As a side note, if Romo dumps Underwood for Jessica Simpson, can we start calling that “The Botched Snap II?”) This year, he has Indy vs. New Orleans. Basically, here’s what will happen: the Colts will finish 9-7 without Cato June, Nick Harper, Dominic Rhodes, and others; Reggie Bush will make a sex tape with Kim Kardashian and get a 8 game suspension from Goodell, and Drew Brees will break his arm again. We love ya, Peter.
The 2003 Draft Class is borderline ridiculous
D-Wade has a ring. LeBron is four games from getting one. Chris Bosh and T.J. Ford combined to make basketball somewhat relevant in Toronto. Kirk Hinrich might be the best young point guard in the NBA, and is leading a team that could win the Finals within three years. Carmelo has arguably done the least, and he’s almost led the league in scoring. Chris Kaman is alright, if hideously ugly. Josh Howard was also in this Draft, and he could be a perennial All-Star within two years (and might be the most important piece to getting Dallas out of their doldrums). 2002 looks really bad right now; if we re-drafted it at this second, I think Tayshaun might have to go No. 1.
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