Archive for June 11th, 2007

It’s Launch Day

A couple of new sites launched today, and I want to give both a mention.

First of all, my wife put up her first slideshow on her new photography blog called Fofalani. She’s very talented, so check back from time to time for new photos. Especially if you want to see more of me & my son, as well as beautiful nature photos like the one to the left.

And I got a communique from Ryan stating that the new interactive sports community FanBash is online, and I’ve been over there playing with the controls a little bit. Looks like a fun place to have your opinion heard. My favorite so far is the poll about the most alarming hypothetical sports defection. Coach K to UNC is the easy chiller #1, but I made my case for Jordan in a Knicks uni as a strong #2.


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voodoosabermetricsbanner1.PNGVoodoo Sabermetrics reminds us that our love for the team includes our love of individual players. We usually have a favorite superstar hitter or pitcher or both. But what about those guys that you just… like? Maybe someone who pinch hits or steals a base now and then. Maybe an aging vet who is like an extra coach in the dugout. Rather than judge everyone by their stats, we’re going to use unique categories and scoring methods to check out baseball’s characters.

Our High Voodoo Council are:

Jack Cobra from The Cobra Brigade Neighbor Quotient and Scrappiness
Sarah from Strike Zones & End Zones Hottness and Behavior
Sunil from Hurricanes Are For Drinking Atomic Mass and Exposure
T.J. from Gheorghe: The Blog Clutchness
Sooze from Babes Love Baseball Jollyness
TC from Mr. Thursday’s Curious Mechanism Appearance and Quotability
Extra P. from The Extrapolater Name Quality (including nicknames)

The only introduction our next target needs is this image:

That’s right, baby, it’s Dmitri Young time!

Name: His full name is Dmitri Dell Young, so I’m immediately giving his parents credit for foreshadowing, since they named his younger brother Delmon. That little hint of what’s to come in the middle name region is nomenclature genius.

When it comes to nicknames, Dmitri might have one of the best of all time. “The Big D” is pretty predictable, but when some wag laid “D’Meat Hook” on our Pillsbury Dough Boy, a legend was born. If you read to the end of this piece, you’ll see that a popular sports site has been having fun with Dmitri by creating a unique online presence for him as well.

I give Dmitri Dell “D’MeatHook” Young 8 out of 10 for name quality.


sunil.jpgAtomic Number: 234.43, the number of Soul Glo. Just let your soul glow.

Exposure: Sure not as much as it should be. I remember when Dmitri Young first came up to the majors, he was supposed to be the future of the Cardinals organization. Instead, he’s bounced around from team-to-team, without any real successful seasons. [facetious] Maybe his younger brother will learn from his example, stay out of trouble, and will dominate the game on the field for the next decade, while avoiding Dmitri’s negative pub. [/facetious]


Neighbor Quotient: Can you name one good team that Young has produced on that has done well? I can’t. Even though he was on the Tigers last season, he didn’t play that much before being let go. By being let go I mean that Jim Leyland kicked him out of there as fast as he cold. Young is one of those players who will always play on a poor team but never will start for a good team. Therefore, I don’t want him in my neighborhood because it might have the same effect. He might be a decent neighbor in a bad neighborhood, but put him in a good neighborhood and he might bring us all down. 2 out of 10.

Scrappiness: It’s hard to be scrappy when you were the 4th pick in the 1991 Draft. The type of players who define scrappy are those guys who have grinded and hustled their way into the big leagues on marginal talent and getting the most out of their ability. With his mediocre career it seems that Young never fulfilled his potential and thus, can not be scrappy. 0 out of 10.


Hotness: 1

I’ll admit, trying to find any redeeming qualities to give Dmitri Young any hotness score was a struggle. Between the Krusty the Clown hairstyle, highly neglected mid-section, and often scraggly facial hair, the prognosis is not good. Even his original fan site hasn’t been updated since 2004! Sometimes one can be “hot by association”, so I took into account his teammates such as Ryan Church (yum) and Felipe Lopez (hello). And looks don’t count for everything, but looking into his personal history definitely did not help his case (see behavior below). And then I looked at his hair again, which almost sealed the deal. I did, however, find a picture of him holding his son who is absolutely adorable. That’s got to count for something, no?

Behavior: High Risk

Between pleading guilty in domestic violence charges, yapping his mouth about his former team and teammates, and standing in the baseline to give baserunners concussions, Young is definitely one to be on alert for. His lack of self control and disregard for authority make him a baseball version of Terrell Owens. Factors that kept him from being rated a severe risk? His admittance of a drug and alcohol problem which he continues to seek treatment for. Also, I don’t think he’s smart enough for any pre-meditated acts of malice. He’s just
naturally a jack ass.


mrthursday-96.jpgMy numerical scores will correlate to the alcohol contents of various beers. In case you care, here’s the scoring system.

Appearance. Behold the many faces of DMitHook! DaMeatHook? Whatever. Dmitri came into the league with St. Louis, but really started making a name for himself as a Red in 1998. This overweight outfielder (who, remarkably, was an above average corner outfielder for a number of years) looked remarkably fierce with his varying degrees of bearded-ness and hair length.

When Dmitri was traded to the Tigers after the 2001 season, he started to let himself go. The hair started reaching out, leaving his hat to sit on the heavy, wild Afro, instead of on his head. At times, the hair gets braided, and, working in conjunction with Young’s once overboard drinking habits, DmitHook looked like the man you hope doesn’t have to shower at the same time you do in prison. When the ‘fro is out, though, Dmitri is such a friendly looking guy that a few years back Boys and Girls Club had Dmitri teaching little leaguers how to rob home runs, which seemed odd because, well, I’m not sure this big-haired gentlemen has any experience in such a thing. Oh, Dmitri has himself at least one tattoo, also. After struggling with alcoholism, he found help with Alcoholics Anonymous, and wears a tattoo of their logo on his wrist, as both a reminder of his commitment to sobriety, and a thank-you for what the organization did for him. I like that.

Whether wild and fun, or scary prison rapist, either way, Dmitri, have yourself a Stone Russian Imperial Stout.

Quotability. There doesn’t appear much said by Dmitri, of note or otherwise. He talked trash to a professional wrestler (Edge). He has offered heartfelt apologies and insights about alcoholism (and, it would seem by his current health and ball clobbering, he’s sticking to the program). While Young isn’t overly quotable, he’s spent his career in St. Louis, Detroit, and Cincinnati–not exactly media hubs. While he’s in the bright lights of the nation’s capital now, he’s playing for the cellar dwelling Nationals, so the national press isn’t exactly lurking around his clubhouse. Dmitri’s only a little crazy, and he’s got a certain kind of honesty, I think. While it’s nothing special, it’s fine by me. Have yourself an Aldaris Porteris, Dmitri.



Dmitri Young’s mom was so stoned when she named him, she forgot the other I in his name. Which is cool, cause he smokes himself so jolly that he forgets how to spell it, anyway.

Between the Oscar Gamble fro and several postitive tests for the lazy lettuce, Dmitri gets a generous “Don’t Worry Be Happy” Bumper Sticker on the jollity scale. That’s just how Da Meat Hook rolls.

Gheorghe was recently asked by Eric of The Extrapolater if he could pinch-hit for regular columnist Gary GNU on Voodoo Sabermetrics. G:TB was happy to oblige, as we can only post so many YouTube clips and pictures of washed-up midgets throwing (I use that term loosely) baseballs. This week’s VS victim – Dmitri Young of the hometown Washington Nationals. I was asked to talk about Dmitri’s “clutchness” (someone check with Colbert to see if that’s a word)…well, even though I’ve seen Da Meat Hook play several times this year, I decided we needed to recruit an expert for this discussion. So who did we bring in? Dmitri’s mild-mannered younger brother Delmon, of course. We caught up with Delmon at the nearby Chuck E. Cheese’s, in between rounds of his court appointed Whac-A-Mole therapy session. Dmitri’s “clutchness”, as told to us by his crazy younger brother:

“First of all, what kind of scale are you using, because I’ve got to tell you, Dmitri DOES NOT like scales (laughs heartily to himself). No seriously, are we talking about stats here? Look at the trifling 24-35 team he plays for, and look at the clutch line he’s putting up (now, we all know I’m 100 times better than him, so even I am impressed with this):

.319, 5 HR, 28 RBI, .401 OBP, .494 SLG

Just think where the Nationals would be WITHOUT Dmitri. And all this after a 2006 that would make Tom Sizemore blush: an assault charge, treatment for alcoholism and depression, a divorce AND hospitalization for diabetes. Hell, the Tigers rubbed salt in the wound by cutting his ass a month before they played in the World Series.

His play on the field not clutch enough for you? How about this – my bro appeared at WWE’s 2005 Survivor Series and laid the smackdown on that punk Edge and his skanky sidekick Lita. Dmitri wasn’t going to stand for some fake-ass wrestler mocking his team.

Soooo, if you forced me to create a clutchness scale, I would say Dmitri is a 8 out of 10 (with me of course being a 10)…but you’re not going to make me actually create a scale, right? Good, because some punk just cut me in line for Skee-Ball, and I need to go pull an ‘Elijah’ on his ass.”

Thanks, TJ. I am still in awe of your meeting with the legendary Gheorghe himself.


Dmitri is the kind of guy this feature was made for. He’s never really been the megastar many hoped he would be, but he’s just about as entertaining as they get. He’s fat, he’s a bit nutty, he has that great Forrest Whittaker sleepy smile thing going on. He has charisma, and I would definitely sit down at the table with him and TC and have a Russian Imperial or a Aldaris Porteris, or two.

But my absolute favorite thing about Dmitri is the way he lends himself so readily to the MLB chat room at The Dugout. His encounters, both criminal and romantic, with Lady Cop, are a saga I follow like a soap opera. Check DaMeatTree out, starting here. Then you can catch up with Dmitri’s other exploits by reading the posts as indexed by player name. NSFW, though, because your boss hates it when you sit at your desk laughing your ass off.

Boom, bitch!


Read past issues of Voodoo Sabermetrics here.

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The time has come for me to accept that I am out of the Ladies… Hot Blogger Challenge and move on. Though I must say that pulling 46% against Monday Morning Punter was a pleasant surprise. I mean, he put in a better picture, a better writing sample, and has a huge fan base. I will take the moral victory.

Now, as any good primary loser does, I will throw my weight behind the remaining players.

First of all, in the bracket I so recently vacated, the Mid-Atlantic:

AA News Team Member Brian from OMDQ took a big risk and submitted a very personal piece for his writing sample, and it paid off. He offers excellent writing and a big hug. Vote for him.

Another News Team member with a tough matchup. After coming out of the middle of the bracket, he gets to face the reigning #1 seed in the region – Dan Shanoff. Don’t let that sway you, you know you love June Madness upsets. I love it that he recently moved to WordPress so I can read his writing whenever I want.

As thanks for his vocal support for me in my battle with the Punter, Jon gets to face the sudsy one in the second round. I was Jon’s first interview subject, and he is rising quickly in the blog world, so get him while he’s hot. Where OMDQ offers a hug, Jon is going bold with a smoochie-face.

The AFC North:

I usually root for the underdog, but in this case, I’m pulling for a front-runner. Jay is a great writer, and a damn nice guy, to boot. He has had me as a guest on his blog Sports Gone South, and wrote a smartass profile of his alma mater for my side project, College Rule Notebook. He is always handy with advice as I belly-flop into the waters of freelance sports writing as well, so he’s aces in my book. And I mean that in a totally hetero way.

RUTS took his clean dome and spice-addled eyes (cutting-edge Dune reference) up against the abs of Sven and won. He faces the dangerous T. Kyle King. This will test the Big Ten stolidity of Penn State fans vs. the dog-fetishists of Georgia. Surely you can’t vote for dog-fetishists.

Jack Cobra is the American dream. He’s a clean-cut former college athlete in a tux in church. He is a stud writer. I wouldn’t even be worried about him, except that he’s going up against marginal pro basketball player (and, like me, former Kansas resident) Paul Shirley. C’mon kids, let’s make history and give a Cubs fan a championship.

The Campbell Conference:

Mike and I started our WordPress blogs around the same time last year. He wisely divided his passions into Tar Heels and Everything Else. He allowed me to do some guest-live-blogging during the ACC tournament, and was also kind enough to contribute to College Rule Notebook. He has already begun his campaign to upset #1 seed Orson Swindle in the second round. Vote America, vote Mike White.

The National League West:

This is the toughest bracket, with some high-profile matchups and enormous vote tallies.

You might think this guy needs none of your help. He runs link-factory extraordinaire Deadspin, right? But he drew a difficult second-round matchup in Matt from Kentucky Sports Blog, who mobilized rabid Kentucky fans via his radio show, and brought in the highest total number of votes of any participant in the contest (over 2,000 in his matchup). Still, why do I vote Will? Because 2/3 to 3/4 of the 120,000 hits you see in my counter were nicely giftwrapped and hand-delivered by the moody man you see above. Beat that.


This one breaks my heart. AA used my choice of nickname when pulling together the AA live-blogging force that is the Channel 4 News Team. He gives me a blank canvas to write The Press Buffet every weekend. Shorty writes very well-recieved posts for The Extrapolater in addition to his fine work over at Milk Was A Bad Choice. I’m inclined not to feel too bad for Shorty since he has a fine honey smooching him in his pic, but I can’t root against either guy. I’m going to have to recuse myself and see how it plays out, but you don’t have to. Go make your choice.

That’s it. There are a lot of other bloggers in the brackets I like for various reasons, but these are the ones I feel some loyalty toward, and think are deserving of your votes. See you at the Ladies… place.

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