Archive for June 18th, 2007

What We Learned: Don’t Take Ted’s Hat

Ted Bauer regales us with the hair-raising tales of a single man in Bristol, Connecticut once a week in What We Learned

tigerelin.jpgTiger Woods is becoming less clutch
Time was, if Tiger Woods entered the final day of a major within 4 strokes of the leader, the general assumption was, “Well, he’ll be talking to Tom Rinaldi in about 22 hours as the winner of this whole goddamn thing.” That assumption is slowly unraveling; whether the source of it is impending fatherhood, the amount of charity events he’s been putting on, or the sheer notion that the rest of the world is gradually catching up to him is unclear. He had a shot at the Masters (final pairing) and lost to some dude from Iowa (but not Marcus Fizer). He had a shot at the U.S. Open and lost to some dude from Argentina (but not Manu).

Late August might be an interesting time in the Northeast
Holy latent homsexuality, Batman! The AL East is beginning to get a little closer, sliding on the continuum from “The Non-Gay Pairing that Likes to Mash” (Ramirez and Ortiz) having a big, insurmountable lead to “The Utterly Gay Pairing that Likes to Crash (and Burn)” being in the running somewhat. To be honest, the Yankees are still almost 9 games out, but their immediate schedule is a bit more favorable than the Sox. If they cut it to 4 mid-summer, all bets are off (as is Varitek’s face mask as he’s bullrushing Don Mattingly).

tony_parker77.jpgThe NBA Finals sucked
‘Nuff said.

LeBron needs help to get over the hump
‘Nuff said.

Tony Parker is an extremely lucky man we should all envy
‘Nuff said.

It’s fun when tall people fight
I’m 6-5, which is pretty f’n tall. Once in my frosh year of high school, a kid – he later came out of the closet at Dartmouth, making me feel really bad about the story I’m about to tell – took my Yankee hat, and when he got off the bus (he had taken it on a field trip), I done socked him in the grill. He wasn’t tall, so it wasn’t fun. I basically floored him and took the hat. Think Tyson’s Punch Out Glass Joe style. On the other hand, when Chris Young and Derrek Lee got it going during an otherwise wild game at Wrigley (can a Saturday pass at Wrigley this season without everything going haywire even before the frat boys start puking off the roof decks?), it was fairly entertaining. The fact that the Cubs couldn’t have won in defense of Lee and two-hit-tossing Zambrano is disappointing, although it did lead me to realize that Russell Branyan kinda looks like that guy Pam Anderson nails in Raw Justice.

jeff_blog.jpgDale Jr don’t like his name
He likes Hendrick Motorsports more, which is good for them … ‘cept they already have the 190 best drivers in NASCAR under their roof, including #8’s chief rival, Mr. Jeff Gordon. This is gonna blow up like Kris Kross after “Jump” was released, and there’s gonna be so many Beatles analogies, it’s not even gonna be funny (I’m not sure who Yoko would be, though. Maybe Jeff Gordon’s wife. That’d be interesting…)

The Raiders hit too hard
Oakland got penalized for the intensity of their practices this summer. I fail to see how that’s a bad thing for a team that’s averaged 4 wins a year since they made the Super Bowl in ’02 (and got routed, if you blocked that SB out like this year’s NBA Finals). Intensity should be rewarded, not punished – at least for the Oakland Raiders. Gotta get a little hair on JaMarcus’ chest, ya know? Someone pass him the Henny.

landry_laron.jpgLaRon Landry shouldn’t go paintballing
… he gets injured, and then he misses camp. Bad LaRon. One time I went paintballing (the one time, I should say), some kid named Sanjay got real close to me and shot me right between the ball sack and the thigh, but enough to hurt tremendously in both places. Except for the millions of dollars, multiple cars, ability to bang any woman in DC, and friendship with Sean Taylor, I consider myself almost exactly idential to Mr. Landry.

Lewis Hamilton is good at racing
Hamilton, a question about whom always gets an answer that includes within it somewhere “… he’s big in Europe…”, won his second straight F1 race after becoming the first African-American to win one last weekend (it took me about six hours to realize he had done it last weekend, because I was immensely hungover from a wedding and watching what some girl I had just met – but wasn’t sleeping with – deemed to be “the six seminal episodes of The Sopranos” back to back to prepare for the finale). Here’s my only question about this: Formula One? That them shits with the clown cars?


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