Archive for June 25th, 2007

What We Learned: 38 is Too Young

beck.jpgWhat We Learned is a weekly column written by Ted Bauer of A Price Above Bip Roberts. In it, he catches us up on the big stories of the weekend, and says bad words that make me laugh.

What We Learned:

Even The Wildman Perishes Someday
R.I.P. , Rod Beck.

The White Sox are not very good
Think back to early June for a moment, assuming your marijuana obsession hasn’t rendered that an impossiblity. Back then, the Cubs seemed like the failure of Chi-Town Summer 2007: Barrett and Zambrano were brawling in the dugout, Sweet Lou was kicking dirt on people, and the ivy seemed to be seeping ooze. Now, a scant three weeks later, it’s a much different story in Windy Windy (that’s kinda like Dirty Dirty, right?): the Chi-Sox have dropped six in a row, including three straight to those same Cubs, and are only about 1.5 up on the Royals in looking like the most hapless AL franchise out there. Ozzie might be on the hot seat – he’ll kill Kenny Williams within the year if he gets axed – and Mark Buerhle might join the Red Sox and further drive a stake into the Yankees’ playoff hopes.

KG is somewhat rational, if too loyal
I think by now, most people realize that KG needs to just walk into Kevin McHale’s office, go all Scarface on his arse, and demand to be dealt or have someone – ANYONE – put around him. 11 years into this failed chemistry experiment, it doesn’t seem he’s going to do that. I’ll say this much for Da Kid, though: he uses logic when making some decisions. Case in point – he doesn’t want to head to Boston. Who would, unless you knew you were about to bed a college girl? OK, maybe that’s a bad example.

Kobe has a hard time making decisions
Flip-flopping little biatch…

Cheating may pay dividends
It makes you wonder what other lies our parents told us, eh? Maybe we’re all fat underachievers with no hope romantically. This week, Sammy Sosa entered the elite 600 HR fraternity, and Barry Bonds got within six of tying “the thing that everyone calls the most prestigious record in sports that really isn’t that prestigious anymore because of the guy who is now most associated with it.” I know nothing has technically been proven on these matters, but these guys started within 24 months of each other – look at their frames THEN, and look at ’em NOW – and tell me they didn’t bend over for the needle at some point in their career trajectory.

Pac Man got in trouble
Is this news? Really? I mean, when The Associated Press first got a hold of this one, how many editors do you assume had to check the date on the information before they ran it? I’d assume 11. Interestingly, that’s the same number of times Pac has been in trouble with the po-po since he became a professional. He’s been a professional roughly 4-5 years. It’s 16 if you count college (viva la Morgantown!). The dude is an absolute train wreck, and if the league has any soul, he’ll never play a down again.

kevinpritchard.jpgKevin Pritchard is confused
He loves Oden’s workout… raves about it. He loves Durant… can’t shut up about him. He’s gotta make a choice (which seems like a no-brainer, but I guess Couch/McNabb did at one point too). Remember: this is the franchise that once drafted Sam Bowie (and that once acquired Darius Miles, but that’s an entirely different depressing story). Pritchard has a very small window in which he can f*ck this mother up.

More NFL players get tazered
Again, is this news? I’m not sure. In the last few weeks, a guy from the Browns and now a guy from the Dolphins have been hit the stunner (literally!). Here’s the interesting thing about this: absolutely no one has any idea who these people are, but they know that 2 dudes from those teams got hit with a tazer. It actually is often above their names in stories about the tazerings: “A Miami Dolphins player was tazered Saturday…. So-and-so, 23, was…” I just think people like the notion of jolting electric current as a device to deter crime.

Jon Kitna says the Lions may win more than 10 games
HAHAHAHA. What? HAHAHAHA. 24-72 since 2001. AHHAHAHAHA. Matt Millen is Peter Angelos, but fatter and with a broadcast history. HAHAHAHA. Charles Rogers No. 2 overall? Joey Harrington No. 3? HAHAHAHA. Mike Williams? HAHAHAHA. Jesus. I almost just crapped myself.

Mets done swept the A’s
… and once and for all, we have the answer to the age-old question of who was more attractive, Billy Beane or Lenny Dystrka? And that answer is, of course, Gregg Jeffries.


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