Ted Bauer writes What We Learned every weekend, unless he’s drunk at a wedding, trying to hook up. And, really, who can blame him? Not me. Oh, and he also writes A Price Above Bip Roberts.
The world might end soon
Barry Bonds’ next two stops on his chase of the Utter Disintegration of Society as We Understood It are Los Angeles (of which he once said, “You gotta be pretty good at your job to have 50,000 people telling you that you suck”) and San Diego, the city that threw a giant syringe at him last year. If Bonds breaks the record on the road, we’re all doomed. Remember those two kids running behind Aaron? (Craig Sager was there too!) Well, they’ll be a few kids running behind Bonds – cockney pickpockets, straight out of Family Guy, and armed to the gills.
… but there is hope
Two of the biggest class acts in baseball history got inducted into the Hall of Fame: arguably the best hitter of the last 50 years (TG) and the most consistent, durable player in the modern era (CR). It also represented two guys who stayed with one team for their entire careers, a rarity in today’s Russ-Ortiz-take-the-money-and-run culture. If Bonds had broken the record on the same day two natural, lovable guys got plaques in upstate NY, it might have been the ultimate ironic twist on the current problems with sport and society.
Michael Vick thinks he’s innocent
At this point, I’m just waiting for the sit down with Gumbel. I think that’s when the real truth will come out.
Columbus, OH is not good in big games
Consider: Penn State vs. OSU two years ago – prime time. Tamba Hali makes Troy Smith look like – well, like Smith would look in the BCS Title Game 15 months later. Florida destroys ’em on the hardwood. And now, the Columbus Destroyers lose the ArenaBowl to San Jose. SAN JOSE? That’s not a sports town; it’s a nerd factory doubling as a “cool destination” because people have money. Joey Galloway co-owns the Destroyers, by the way. I’m not sure where that ranks on the depressing continuum of all that’s gone on in sports this week, but it’s up there, I think.
David Stern has seen better days
… he even admitted it, in a direct quote. The NBA will recover from this, eventually. I could be in the minority here, but I really don’t care about Donaghy, provided it is indeed an isolated incident. I kind of figured things of that nature were happening anyway – I bet a similar college basketball scandal will develop in the next 5 years, Blue Chips style. As long as TD was a “rogue, isolated criminal,” I’m fine with it to an extent. And to the people who say Stern “knows so much more” and “rigs things anyway” – if he wanted to rig things, he wouldn’t throw the Suns under the bus the way he has. The Suns in the Finals would be the best thing that ever happened to that dude.
The Cubs are coming
I tell my friends that I think my bachelor party will be atop the roof of one of those brownstones behind Wrigley. This is presumptive, specious logic in the sense that I can’t close the deal with any girl I meet, so who really cares what I think I might be doing when I finally get the nerve to get down on 1 knee in front of one? Still – it would be cool if I was engaged right now (for a myriad of reasons, I think), because it’s a good time to be a Cubs fan. As of Sunday night, they are .5 games out of first place in the NL Central, and Carlos Zambrano has won 14 games. Ted Lilly, whom I always thought was cool because of his first name but whom I also thought was dead or in Independent Ball, has 11 wins. WTF?
The Diamondbacks are also coming
Walk-off Thursday (Eric Byrnes). Walk off Friday (Tony Clark). Tied for the NL West lead as of Sunday. Having fun out there with a bunch of young kids – and dealing with losses to their pitching staff like Randy Johnson (out for the season) and Brandon Webb (hasn’t been himself). So long as they don’t drive a nail in New York’s heart like it’s 2001 all over again, I’m cool with them going far in the Dane Cook October dance.
Adrian Peterson is a rich man
I have him slated to break his collarbone Week 3 at Kansas City. I think Tamba Hali will be involved in some way. Pat Summerall, on the call: “Peterson … going in there. *PAUSE* OK. *PAUSE* He ain’t coming out.”
Jose Canseco says he has “stuff” on A-Rod
I got some ‘stuff’ too. He’s a philanderer. He has more emotional issues than most drug-addled runaways. He’s the most prodigious talent of his generation, yet potentially also the biggest flop. He’s a pussy (the Red Sox slap) and a bitch (the Blue Jays holler). Oh, you were talking about drugs? Yea, he probably does that too. And I grew up a Yankees fan.
Mark Teixeira probably should put his Dallas home on the market
I suppose Teixeira is a catch; actually, my ex-girlfriend used to live in an apartment complex in Houston with this guy who was drafted by the Orioles outta Rice. He told me once, back in ’04, “Watch out for the Orioles in like, five years. They’ll have Teixeira.” Uh huh. They might. However, the Annapolis native has to go somewhere first – I think him to Atlanta might put the Braves in the thick of the wild card chase, and I think him to the Angels could make the AL a three-team race (Angels, Tigers, Sox) rather than a two-team one (Sox, Tigers). By the way, my friend last night, as we were imbibing (he’s a Sox guy): “I’m not worried about an ALCS against the Tigers. We’ll just hit it to their pitchers and let them f*ck up the game.”
The Extrapolater 