I seem to be at a creative ebb tide these days, so I’ll spare you any attempts to get wacky with Ted’s introduction. If you read this blog, you know Ted Bauer of A Price Above Bip Roberts does the hip weekend update (better than Chevy Chase and Dennis Miller combined), and you’ll skip this and get to the good stuff right away.
Santana is good
Johan, who may or may not be on the Minnesota Twins within 12-16 months, struck out 17 dudes on Sunday. Now, granted – he struck out 17 Texas Rangers, which is like sending the quarterback of Penn State into a frat party and asking him to find a girl to make out with – but he struck out 17 people nonetheless. That’s filthy.
USC is also good
The Trojans, whose depth chart is better than probably all NFL teams except two, lost a tailback this week in Emmanuel Moody (part of the “Year of the Running Back” package in Sports Illustrated) but still have John David Booty, Mark Sanchez, and Mitch Mustain as QB options and 1900 guys that the Browns would kill for. Speaking of that…
The Browns still suck
My friend at work lists his “ultimate career goal” as being GM of the Browns (his girlfriend lives in Cleveland, so he’s planning to move there regardless). It just so happens that he’s a massive Notre Dame football fan. He occasionally says to me, “What if in 10 years, I give Brady Quinn a 12 year, 240 million dollar contract?” Usually, I nod. Sometimes I say back, “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” I hate Brady Quinn. I hate how he could have made Notre Dame super relevant again and he just buried them deeper than they ever hoped to be with him at the helm. I hate what he did to Tom Hammond’s career trajectory. I’m resentful, honestly. Now everyone wants to get on Quinn’s junk because he had 2 TDs against backup Detroit Lions players, which, as noted above, is about as easy as a FSU free safety blazing someone’s face off in a bar brawl.
Don’t trust your friends
“If another country invaded the hood tonight, it’d be warfare through Harlem and Washington Heights.” Indeed, Immortal Technique. But if Michael Vick drowns dogs in large buckets of water in between not really ever winning a big game except that Lambeau affair for the Packers, don’t expect his boys to “invade” anything – or even “protect” Vick. Rather, a more logical assumption would be that they’ll sell him down the river.
The Cubs are in first
Cue some idiot fan about to screw everything up in the postseason. Actually, since it’s already been an animal (the billy goat) and a dude (Bartman), maybe this time it could be one of those Fathead figures that destroys the Cubs. Maybe a Lance Briggs Fathead… yea….
The Mariners might make the playoffs
The most important thing about the Mariners push to relevance – moreso than J.J. Putz’s emerging national name, Adrian Beltre’s redemption, or the fact that it kinda sorta makes up for the fact that the Seahawks QB is related to Elizabeth Hasselbeck – is that their announcer, Dave Neihaus, might gain the national persona he so richly deserves. “PUTZ! HE SHUTS THE DOOR!” The guy is like a second coming of Gus Johnson. Speaking of which, did anyone catch that Eagles vs. Panthers preseason game? I love Gus Johnson. “Kid from Chicago. By way of Syracuse. DONOVAN MCNABB. They said he’d be pretty good. He was.” Amazing.
The Diamondbacks have the best record in the NL
I realize Brandon Webb is legitimate, and Eric Byrnes has been playing out his gourd, and Chris Young is even hotter than the sun right now. But seriously, the Diamondbacks are the best team in the National League? Really? Where have I been? Oh yea. Drunk and stuff. My bad.
Tim Donaghy made a lot of money and is guilty of things
Isn’t that how it always works? Dudes who make way too much loot are always doing stupid junk. My broader point: if he fingers 20 refs, does the NBA just implode? Does it even have a chance left? If LeBron leads the Cavaliers to the Finals and actually wins it this time, does it even matter if the public thinks every single ref is absolutely crooked? We are all witnesses, indeed – to the demise of the league.
Travis Henry got hurt
… and yet, is there anyone out there who doesn’t assume he’s going to run for 1,200 yards in this system, even if he can barely stand up straight?
Amanda Ochoa is straight cash, homie
Indeed. The interesting thing about “Amanda Ochoa” is that in the summer of 2001, I ran a program at my school and was a “boss” (guy who made more money than, and occasionally told other people what to do) of someone named Amanda Ochoa. The famous Amanda Ochoa and the “other” Amanda Ochoa look absolutely nothing like each other, and I’m pretty sure if the one I knew played golf, she’d be closer to a female John Daly than a female Amanda Ochoa (my modifiers and pronouns are all over the joint right now). Regardless, Ochoa won her second straight LPGA event this weekend, driving women’s golf even further into the recesses of American humanity, because anyone with a pulse knows that until Natalie Gulbis gets to be straight buttah, the entire sport is doomed.