Usually, I realize that my own fantasy football league inside jokes are of no interest to the general populace. But this week, we have started the keeper-league flaming via email and many questions have arisen about the proper way to swear on the league message board and inter-office email. The commissioner of our dork-fest, the Gentlemen’s League of American Football, posted this helpful guide, with accompanying photograph of the man in black, for our edification:
From time to time, as Commissioner, I am called upon to make judgment calls within the GLOAF. Recent events make it necessary for me to address an important issue within our league. Before we proceed with the season, I believe it is important that we clear the air.
I am speaking, of course, about the proper method for cursing within the GLOAF.
The accepted format for years, has been the use of the asterisk in place of vowels. For example, “d*mn“, “h*ll“, or even “sh*t“, are classic renditions of the standard form. We believe this traditional method provides a readily recognizable and elegant avenue for conveying the profane.
However. Other schools of thought do exist. We, here in The Office Of The Commissioner, would be the first to acknowledge these differing opinions.
Some have approached the problem with the “shift key” method. Here, we see such expressions as “@!#$%” or even “^$&#”. This method is perfectly acceptable. It readily conveys the intended licentious message in an energetic fashion.
Also in use is the “Nastro formulation”. This approach can be seen in the use of such expressions as “dam” or “krap”. In a “no child left behind” world, we readily accept this as an equally valid mode of expression.
Recently, some discussion has arisen over the “at” school of cursing. This revolutionary approach has given rise to phrases such as “c@cks@ck@r” “m@th@rf@ck@r” and the breathtaking “c@cks@ck@rm@th@rf@ck@r”. As with the previously mentioned techniques, we welcome, and even embrace, any attempts to broaden our means of expression.
In summary, The Office Of The Commissioner is willing to embrace the many and varied conversational modes that exist within our league. It is, after all, a Gentlemen’s league. Beyond that, there are few hard and fast rules. I merely ask that we always remember that this is just a fucking game.
I will preserve the Commish’s identity, since my posts also appear on the Cville.com feed aggregator, and his kids probably don’t know he swears. Or, worse yet, hangs out with fantasy sports bozos. But I think these are words that all of us fantasy jacka$$e$ can live by, are they not?