Archive for the ‘Fantasy Sports’ Category

I’m just a caveman. Your telecommunications devices frighten and confuse me. But I will still play in Awful Announcing’s football league just for the everlasting glory attendant upon getting down in the muck to wrassle with you fine folks.

Join AA’s Leeg

While the joy of competition is enough for me, AA is also offering a top prize of an iPhone to the winner of the league. If you’re reluctant to drop cash on something new, this is the perfect way to try it out at no cost to you. But you have to win first, beeeeyotch.

While we’re here, I have a few more links for you:

You know how I love a good sports name. Here is Jay Busbee’s account of his childhood meeting with old-school Brave Brian Asselstine.

Great. Just great. Now if I want to watch bikini beach volleyball, I have to deal with a bunch of angry Samoan dudes.

My friend Walker has started reviewing for The Hot Sauce Blog. His first assignment was Duck Butter sauce. This is tangentially related to sports because of…. nachos.

Sometimes I think athletes know they will get in big trouble, but they shoot their mouths off anyway. It just feels too good not to. Well, Big Z is now eating the poo that comes after a blowup.

Over at Strike Zones & End Zones, Sarah is calling Virginia Tech/LSU the Tragedy Bowl.  Her suggestions for ways the media and schools can overplay the angle are great, but I started laughing out loud around #3:   Instead of the teams ceremoniously running into the stadium before the game, the players will start inside and run out, evacuation style.

JP interviews Liston. I remember when I was a hot young blogger once. Ah the good old days of three months ago…

Joe Montana’s not walking through that door.

When the Diamondbacks face the Padres, there’s always potential for Chris Young-on-Chris Young crime.

In case you need just one more Fantasy Football League, here’s a joint that lets you join up just 30 minutes before the final draft of the season.

Finally, OMDQ is running a great game. He’s going to do a reverse-survivor deal where he keeps track of which teams in 1-A are winless. Until we get down to the most winless of them all. And then we will pelt them with garbage.


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Usually, I realize that my own fantasy football league inside jokes are of no interest to the general populace. But this week, we have started the keeper-league flaming via email and many questions have arisen about the proper way to swear on the league message board and inter-office email. The commissioner of our dork-fest, the Gentlemen’s League of American Football, posted this helpful guide, with accompanying photograph of the man in black, for our edification:

johnnycashfinger.jpgFrom time to time, as Commissioner, I am called upon to make judgment calls within the GLOAF. Recent events make it necessary for me to address an important issue within our league. Before we proceed with the season, I believe it is important that we clear the air.

I am speaking, of course, about the proper method for cursing within the GLOAF.

The accepted format for years, has been the use of the asterisk in place of vowels. For example, “d*mn“, “h*ll“, or even “sh*t“, are classic renditions of the standard form. We believe this traditional method provides a readily recognizable and elegant avenue for conveying the profane.

However. Other schools of thought do exist. We, here in The Office Of The Commissioner, would be the first to acknowledge these differing opinions.

Some have approached the problem with the “shift key” method. Here, we see such expressions as “@!#$%” or even “^$&#”. This method is perfectly acceptable. It readily conveys the intended licentious message in an energetic fashion.

Also in use is the “Nastro formulation”. This approach can be seen in the use of such expressions as “dam” or “krap”. In a “no child left behind” world, we readily accept this as an equally valid mode of expression.

Recently, some discussion has arisen over the “at” school of cursing. This revolutionary approach has given rise to phrases such as “c@cks@ck@r” “m@th@rf@ck@r” and the breathtaking “c@cks@ck@rm@th@rf@ck@r”. As with the previously mentioned techniques, we welcome, and even embrace, any attempts to broaden our means of expression.

In summary, The Office Of The Commissioner is willing to embrace the many and varied conversational modes that exist within our league. It is, after all, a Gentlemen’s league. Beyond that, there are few hard and fast rules. I merely ask that we always remember that this is just a fucking game.

I will preserve the Commish’s identity, since my posts also appear on the Cville.com feed aggregator, and his kids probably don’t know he swears. Or, worse yet, hangs out with fantasy sports bozos. But I think these are words that all of us fantasy jacka$$e$ can live by, are they not?

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vadergg01.jpgCaveat: We know damn good and well that KSK did this first, so save it. This is still the best and most fun way to get a final member for a fantasy league when you have so many good friends to choose from:

The Channel Four News Team is looking for a Fantasy Football partner!

Read the post and do as the man says, and nobody will get hurt.

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OK, today’s post will be a bit shorter than yesterdays. I am a busy fella today. I am also at a loss for words because I am going to do the expected, even though I spent a great deal of time trying to talk myself out of it. I considered Drew Brees with the first pick in the second round of the Hazean mock draft, but just couldn’t convince myself that Marques Colston would be a hit as the #1 reciever – at least not enough of one to make Drew this high of a pick. I looked at younger RBs like Reggie Bush, Clinton Portis, and Willis McGahee, but felt they would probably struggle along with their teams. So I’m pulling the trigger – mark it down:


I have a pretty firm “no RBs over 30” rule, but Shaun slips in under the wire at 29 (for one more month… I’m such a sucker). The fact that he already struggled with injury last year could be a bad sign, but nobody else (except possibly Portis) has the kind of potential to score in bunches that Alexander does. If I had to actually play a season with just these two guys, I would feel like I’d done my best. In fact, I kind of hope the Hazeans keep track of our stats just out of curiosity.

Thanks for the opportunity guys! See you around tha intarwebs!

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You may not be aware of the Hazean mock draft, but you are about to go to school. The Hazean blog here on WordPress has invited several of us NFL-obsessed sports bloggers to participate in an early, early mock draft just for fun. Starting around the beginning of the month, each blogger made a pick a day. Read the recap here.

We’re only doing two rounds, in the typical “snake” fashion. I got the spot that I love to hate – I am both the ass and the head of the snake, as I have the 12th pick at the end of the first round, and the 13th at the beginning of the second. In a live draft, this sucks, because you sit and wait in agony for a small eternity as others snatch everyone you had your eye on.  Between second and third round, you might as well go home and water the plants and walk the dog.

In this case, it’s not so bad. I’ll get to make my two picks this week and then sit back and watch my fellow bloggers finish out the draft. I know for a fact that I can have the top two guys left on my draft list.

So, on with the show. The two best QBs were taken already – Peyton Manning by Next Gen Pro Football at #7, and Carson Palmer by my erstwhile Channel 4 News Team compatriot Signal To Noise. Other than that, it’s been all running backs, all the time, which is good fantasy drafting. After the dominant backs are gone, you get into two-back system guys and unproven players who might lose their jobs in training camp. It’s best to get at least one beast right up front.

With that in mind, I’ll alleviate the suspense and just blurt out my pick: “Fast” Willie Parker.


In general, I suspect my fellow GMs were not particularly sold on Willie’s size (5’10”, 209), but that’s the kind of thinking that left him as an undrafted free agent a couple of years ago. Willie’s carried the load since then, including the longest run in a Super Bowl ever.

If it’s the Steelers as a team that kept WP available for me, I can talk myself into that one, too. Roethlisberger might have had an off year last season, but he still has the tools to get it done. With Hines Ward and Heath Miller still taking heat off of the line of scrimmage, Willie should see some room to run. In my opinion, Najeh Davenport is insurance for the team, not real competition for Willie. If the Defense, led by the colorful Troy Polamalu, can keep games from getting out of hand, there should be plenty of opportunities for my guy to lug the ball late into the fourth quarter.

So that’s my guy. Entertain yourselves until tomorrow by wondering this: will Extra P. take another running back like Shaun Alexander to shore up the crucial position, or will he grab a QB?

Tune in tomorrow to find out.

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Young Guns (Vol. I)

Today marks the first of what I’m hoping becomes the monthly Young Guns series. The first week of every month I will examine the top young arms in both the American and National League. My basis for these rankings? I will use a mixture of fantasy baseball statistics and common sense. In other words, if I were a GM, where would I rank these young hurlers?


1. Johan Santana – Only 6-5 so far this year, but the guy’s body of work is unquestionable.
2. Jake Peavy – San Diego’s strikeout machine is finally healthy & he looks terriffic.
3. Roy Halladay – He got roughed up last night, but Roy is still 5-2 with 46:10 K:BB ratio.
4. CC Sabathia – He’s the league leader in wins with 9 & he picked up a CG shutout last night.
5. Roy Oswalt – The Astros ace is sometimes overlooked, but imagine if he had any run support.

American League

1. Jeremy Bonderman – Take a look at his season thus far, he should be at least 8-1 right now.
2. Dan Haren – He has a 70:21 K:BB ratio and still boasts a 1.70 ERA. Wow!
3. Justin Verlander – Not the strikeout pitcher some thought he might turn into.
4. John Lackey – 9-3 record with a 2.73 ERA for the unheralded right-hander.
5. James Shields – Forget Scott Kazmir, this kid is the Devil-Rays ace by far.

National League

1. Cole Hamels – Sky’s the limit for Cole who I see as a future Cy Young winner.
2. Brandon Webb – The reigning Cy Young is an innings eater who flys under the radar.
3. Chris Young – They say that at 6’10’ his 89 mph fastball looks more like 99 mph coming at you.
4. Tim Lincecum – If you take away his two outings against the Phillies, Timmy’s numbers are scary good.
5. Oliver Perez – Mets pitching coach Rick Peterson might just be Yoda.


Notable Omissions

Dice-K, Rich Harden, King Felix, Dontrelle Willis, Carlos Zamprano & Ben Sheets

Shorty is creator and lead writer of Milk Was a Bad Choice

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The Flyin Hawaiian

Seriously, is there a cooler nickname in all of baseball than The Flyin Hawaiian? Isn’t that like a ham & pineapple pizza? Shane Victorino is a speedy switch-hitting outfielder for the Philadelphia Phillies who is also equipped with a rocket launcher for a right arm (he already has 8 outfield assists this season). He was also the biggest reason that the Phillies shed no tears when they shipped Bobby Abreu to New York last season.

Earlier today I had a vested interest in the Giants-Phillies game, mostly because my prized fantasy possession, Tim Lincecum, was on the mound for San Francisco. Well, Tiny Tim didn’t have his best stuff today and although he left the game in the seventh with the lead, Ryan Howard’s 3-run moonshot off Giant reliever Jack Taschner ruined his chances of getting the victory.

After the Phillies blew their one run lead in the top half of ninth, Victorino stepped to the plate with one out in the bottom of the inning and drove his first ever game winning home run over the left field fence and mayhem ensued on Shane’s very own bobblehead day.

Alright, I’ll admit it, if I didn’t have the ‘Flyin Hawaiian’ on my fantasy team, I probably wouldn’t even be posting this right now. But the fact is, this kid is ridiculously fun to watch on a baseball diamond. He steals bases, throws out baserunners and now he even hits dramatic walk-off home runs. I mean what more could you possible want from the talented young outfielder? A more edible nickname? Mahalo!

Shorty is creator and lead writer of Milk Was a Bad Choice

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