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Archive for the ‘Porn Name All-Stars’ Category

The short-lived and much-mourned website SECpoon.com had more to say about this issue than I ever could, so I’ll just make one observation and then forge ahead.

There are ‘Cocks, Bammers, and an old ball coach. What else can a conference ask for?

Here are your SEC Porn Name All-Stars:

Offense

Casey Dick – QB – Arkansas
Billy Tapp – QB – Ole Miss
Dylan Dickey – QB – Tennessee
Joe Cox – QB – Georgia

Orlando Gunn – RB – LSU
Taurus Young – RB – Mississippi State
Ryan Rearden – RB – Georgia
Jacob Vane – FB – Alabama

Sean Penix – WR – Arkansas
Luster Lewis – WR – Auburn
Lance Long – WR – Mississippi State
Ian Harding – WR – LSU
Dickie Lyons, Jr. – WR – Kentucky
Rod Coleman – WR – Arkansas
Foxy Foxworth – TE – South Carolina
Tim Fugger – TE – Vanderbilt
Keith Zinger – TE – LSU

DeMarcus Love – OL – Arkansas
Ben Harden – OL – Georgia
Zipp Duncan – OL – Kentucky
T-Bob Hebert – OL – LSU
Ryan Broadhead – OL – South Carolina
King Dunlap – OL – Auburn
Jim Tartt – OL – Florida

Defense

Jazzmen Guy – DL – Mississippi State
Steve Stone – DL – Vanderbilt
Pep Levingston – DL – LSU
Brandon Fanney – DL – Alabama
Kikko Logan – DL – Vanderbilt

Wesley Woodyard – LB – Kentucky
Dakota Walker – LB – South Carolina
Rico McCoy – LB – Tennessee
Courtney Harden – LB – Auburn
Trey Trip – LB – Ole Miss
Ryan Powers – LB – Arkansas

Ramon Broadway – DB – Arkansas
Corey Reamer – DB – Alabama
Mike Hunt – DB – Mississippi State
Bram Cannon – DB – Tennessee
Rowdy Francis – DB – Georgia
Aairon Savage – DB – Auburn

Special Teams
Orion Hall – P – Tennessee
Tyler Steelman – K – Arkansas
Logan Love – KR – Tennessee
Vince Vance – LS – Georgia

The only thing left at this point is Independents, so let’s cross our fingers that the few and the… awful… have some decent names for us.

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You’d think a conference boasting Trojans and Beavers would yield a little more talent. But I had to really scour the rosters to come up with enough WRs to fill the slate this week. Thank goodness for Washington State, is all I can say.

In a related note, there’s no USC QB controversy here – John David Booty is our choice until Mark Sanchez embraces the nickname “Dirty”. But It’s shocking the state the USC roster is in – without Booty, they would have been shut out.

Here are your Pac Ten Porn Name All-Stars:

Offense
John David Booty – QB – USC
Nate Longshore – QB – Cal
Bryan Van Meter – QB – Cal

Terry Longbons – RB – Arizona
Tracy Slocum – RB – Cal
Skyler Jessen – RB – Washington State
Michael Pitre – FB – UCLA

Rod Rivera – WR – Arizona
Randy Johnson – WR – Washington State
Aaron McVein – WR – Oregon
Brandon Powers – WR – Oregon State
Matt Sledge – WR – Washington State
Reid Forrest – WR – Washington State
Romeo Savant – TE – Washington
Ed Dickson – TE – Oregon

Wider McAndrews – OL – Oregon State
Joe Longacre – OL – Arizona
Brandon Rodd – OL – Arizona State
Ryan Pohl – OL – Oregon State
Andy Levitre – OL – Oregon State
Ryan Bush – OL – Washington
Brian De La Puente – OL – Cal

Defense

Darius Savage – DL – UCLA
Nick Wood – DL – Washington
Cutter Rains – DL – Washington State
Brandon Bair – DL – Oregon
Chris Horn – DL – Stanford
Hayden Piper – DL – Oregon

Greg Van Hoesen – LB – Cal
Joey LaRocque – LB – Oregon State
E.J. Savannah – LB – Washington
D.J. Holt – LB – Cal
Eric Rider – LB – Oregon State
Keith Pankey – LB – Oregon State

Chris Baloney – DB – Arizona State
Brandon Hardin – DB – Oregon State
Glenn Love – DB – UCLA
Kenny Long – DB – Stanford
Angelo Fobbs-Valentino – DB – Arizona State
Sean Cattouse – DB – Cal

Special Teams
Jared Ballman – P – Washington
Morgan Flint – K – Oregon
Greg Laybourn – KR – Oregon State
Adam Speer – LS – Oregon State

Now, I acknowledge that Cutter Rains sounds more like a soap star, or one of Rick and AJ’s buds on Simon & Simon, but you have to work with what you’re given in this genre. Honestly, the fact that there’s a lineman with the first name Wider makes up for just about every weak name on this list, in my humble opinion.

Next week, we’ve finally reached the SEC. Are they really, inch-for-inch, the best conference in America?

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The Big Ten might be a couple of inches short of the Big 12, but they more than make up for it with a brimming cornucopia (seasonal reference!) of hot porn names. It starts with Juice Williams and ends with Clint Huntrods, and it’s nothing but fun in-between.

Here are your Big Ten Porn Name All-Stars:

Offense

Juice Williams – QB – Illinois
Marvin McNutt – QB – Iowa
Jake Swank – QB – Purdue
Jacob Ball – QB – Michigan State

Amir Pinnix – RB – Minnesota
Iroc Duncan – RB – Purdue
Tom Busch – RB – Iowa
A.J. Jimmerson – RB – Michigan State
Jared Crank – FB – Purdue

Terry Love – WR – Michigan State
LaTerryal Savoy – WR – Michigan
Eric Peterman – WR – Northwestern
Nick Polk – WR – Indiana
Jack Eastman – WR – Illinois
Taurian Washington – WR – Ohio State
Zach Furlong – TE – Iowa
Blake Powers – TE – Indiana

Jon Asamoah – OL – Illinois
Kenny Love – OL – Indiana
Mark Huyge – OL – Michigan
John Masters – OL – Michigan State
Kyle Stout – OL – Penn State
Dirk Watters – OL – Wisconsin
Jake Long – OL – Michigan

Defense

Grant McCracken – DL – Iowa
Marques Slocum – DL – Michigan
Jonal Saint-Dic – DL – Michigan State
Patrick Butrym – DL – Wisconsin
Kirk DeCremer – DL – Wisconsin
Arik Wolf – DL – Indiana

Antonio Steele – LB – Illinios
Mike Humpal – LB – Iowa
Deon Hightower – LB – Minnesota
Prince Kwateng – LB – Northwestern
Clay Nurse – LB – Illinois
Culmer St. Jean – LB – Wisconsin

Antonio Gully – DB – Illinois
Johnny Sears – DB – Michigan
Daron Love – DB – Minnesota
Ben Gummo – DB – Penn State
Spencer Ridenhour – DB – Penn State
Frank Duong – DB – Purdue

Special Teams
Ken DeBauche – P – Wisconsin
Austin Starr – K – Indiana
Major Ramsey – KR – Indiana
Clint Huntrods – LS – Iowa

Sometimes, when I’m nearing the end of the alphabet of teams in a given conference, I’m still sweating the details: “Will I find a Kicker? Are there enough Linebackers?  Have I overused ‘Long’ and ‘Love’?”. Not this time. Every single category filled up fast, and I had to leave some good – but not great – ones on the cutting room floor.

Big Ten, we salute you.

Next week, we quit worrying openly about how “Big” our conference is, and just go ahead and Pac Ten.

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kummer_k1.jpgOne thing stands out about the Big East – Dave Wannstedt has one hell of a porn mustache.

I had one disappointment, however. Last year, I discovered a Freshman DB for UConn named Jimmy McClam. I had really looked forward to four years of such a deliciously dirty name, but alas, it is not to be. Young Jimmy has transferred to Towson. Grr.

Your Big East Porn Name All-Stars are:

Offense

Matt Grothe – QB – South Florida
Jabu Lovelace – QB – Rutgers
Tyler Wolfe – QB – Louisville

Ray Van Peenen – RB – Rutgers
Shawn Cannon – RB – South Florida
Jetavious Best – RB – West Virginia
Kyle Kummer – FB – Rutgers

Kevin Poles – WR – UConn
Austin Ransom – WR – Pittsburgh
A.J. Love – WR – South Florida
D.J. Hernandez – WR – UConn
Taurus Johnson – WR – South Florida
Rouglas Odor – WR – West Virginia
Cody Nutter – TE – West Virginia
Reggie Fugett – TE – Cincinnati

Jason Pinkston – OL – Pittsburgh
Digger Bujnoch – OL – Cincinnati
C.J. Cobb – OL – Cincinnati
Tyler Rader – OL – West Virginia
Eric Wood – OL – Louisville

Defense

L.T. Walker – DL – Louisville
Tommie DuHart – DL – Pittsburgh
Johnny Dingle – DL – West Virginia
Thor Merrow – DL – West Virginia
Greg Romeus – DL – Pittsburgh
Mike Cox – DL – UConn

Adam Gunn – LB – Pittsburgh
Houston Hess – LB – South Florida
Najae Good – LB – West Virginia
Darius Mann – LB – Louisville
Ryan D’Imperio – LB – Rutgers
Chase Floyd – LB – Louisville

Rod Council – DB – Louisville
JaJuan Spillman – DB – Louisville
Ramy Nubani – DB – Rutgers
Shaton Clark – DB – Syracuse
John Holmes – DB – West Virginia
Fela Tunde Ogun – DB – Cincinnati

Special Teams
Rob Long – P – Syracuse
Jake Rogers – K – Cincinnati
LaRod Stephens-Howling – KR – Pittsburgh
Bobby Kash – LS – West Virginia

If you’re wondering why Shaton Clark is included, apparently you aren’t completely familiar with the German scheisse film ouevre of Cartman’s mom.

Next Week – The Big Ten

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I really don’t think there could be a better porn conference name than the Big Twelve. I mean, it’s more than the Big Ten, right? And let’s not even go there with the Pac-10.

It’s been a weird season in the Big 12 conference, as well, with Kansas and Missouri still amongst the ranks of the unbeaten. Could the North Division actually be dominant this season? Odds are you don’t care.

So let’s strike while the gridiron is hot, as they say:

Offense

Colt McCoy – QB – Texas
Jeff Wood – QB – Texas A&M
John David Weed – QB – Baylor

Marlon Lucky – RB – Nebraska
Samson Taylor – RB – Texas A&M
Dantrell Savage – RB – Oklahoma State
Baron Batch – RB – Texas Tech
Alex Spears – FB – Texas

Houston Jones – WR – Iowa State
Xavier Rambo – WR – Kansas
Forrest Shock – WR – Missouri
Jeremy Broadway – WR – Oklahoma State
Michael Blackwood – WR – Boston College
Lyle Leong – WR – Texas Tech
L.A. Reed – WR – Texas Tech
Derek Fine – TE – Kansas
Jeremy Mack – TE – Kansas State
Ryan Allgood – TE – Oklahoma

Buck Burnette – OL – Texas
Philip Loadholt – OL – Oklahoma
Brad Rooker – OL – Kansas State
Ian Wolfe – OL – Kansas
Devin Head – OL – Colorado
Sam Sledge – OL – Baylor
Hunter Hightower – OL – Baylor

Defense

Jameon Hardeman – DL – Baylor
Stryker Sulak – DL – Missouri
Maurice Cummings – DL – Oklahoma State
Allen Oh – DL – Oklahoma State
Marque Fountain – DL – Oklahoma State
Randy King – DL – Baylor

Evan Fick – LB – Iowa State
Bo Ruud – LB – Nebraska
Austin Box – LB – Oklahoma
Justin Gent – LB – Oklahoma State
Rod Johnson – LB – Oklahoma State
Dakota Lewis – LB – Kansas

Tang Bacheyie – DB – Kansas
Mack Breed – DB – Missouri
Perrish Cox – DB – Oklahoma State
Anthony Blue – DB – Nebraska
Alton Widemon – DB – Baylor
Justin Rumple – DB – Iowa State

Special Teams
Cole Brokenicky – P – Kansas State
Josh Cherry – K – Kansas State
Brik Brinker – KR – Texas Tech
David Wonders – Deep Snapper – Iowa State

Deep Snapper was a new one to me, but I am lobbying for it to replace Long Snapper as the preferred terminology in college football.  Better yet, David Wonders is apparently managing in health and human performance.  Supply your own porn joke here.

Little known fact: Colt McCoy is to blame for the invention of this feature. I made a remark on a message board last year that “Colt McCoy” sounded like an excellent porn name. That got me to thinking that the NCAA was full of good porn names.

So here we are. Next week, alphabetical order takes us to the Big East.

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You know your Porn Name All-Stars post is going to be a good one when you can start off with this:

Stick it in, indeed, Hokies.

Presenting, the ACC Porn Name All-Stars:

Offense

Rob Swanke – QB – Boston College
Zak Asack – QB – Duke
Kyle Manley – QB – Georgia Tech

C.J. Spiller – RB – Clemson
Dusty Pickle – RB – Virginia Tech
Ray Ray McElrathbey – RB – Clemson
Billy Grow – FB – Virginia Tech

De’Cody Fagg – WR – FSU
Miles King – WR – Georgia Tech
Adrian Cannon – WR – Maryland
Dontrelle Inman – WR – Virginia
Michael Blackwood – WR – Boston College
Brian Linthicum – TE – Clemson
Rock Wells – TE – North Carolina
Ed Wang – TE – Virginia Tech

Ryan Poles – OL – Boston College
Scott Gunn – OL – North Carolina
Reggie Youngblood – OL – Miami
Joel Buschmann – OL – New Mexico State
Matt Brim – OL – Wake Forest
Bearthur Johnson – OL – Maryland (What? A lot of people have fantasies about Bea Arthur’s Johnson! Let’s try to keep an open mind here, people.)

Defense

Jock McKissic – DL – Clemson
Chris Long – DL – Virginia
Eriks Reks – DL – Duke
Jamie Cumbie – DL – Clemson

Al Rocker – LB – Georgia Tech
Moises Fokou – LB – Maryland
LeRue Rumph – LB – NC State
Jon Copper – LB – Virginia
Dominique Midgett – Wake Forest
Steve Powers – LB – Georgia Tech
Chantz McClinic – LB – Wake Forest

Korey Mangum – DB – FSU
Jake Blackwood – DB – Georgia Tech
J.J. Justice – DB – Maryland
Cooter Arnold – DB – North Carolina
Josh Bush – DB – Wake Forest

Special Teams
Mark Buchholz – P – Clemson
Sam Swank – K – Wake Forest
Jesse Outlaw – KR – FSU
Jack Geiser – LS – Boston College

Honorable mention goes to Wake Forest’s Gelo Orange. There’s nothing erotic about it, but what a cool name…

So as not to appear to favor any BCS conference over another (and to help me keep track of where I am), I will be doing the conferences in alpha order from here on out. So, next week, we’re starting on the Bigs.

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