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Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

the_residents.jpgI had a great email conversation with a friend of mine who went to the same High School as I did. She reminded me that my 20th reunion was coming up (a freaky thing to type, indeed), and said that I should go.

Now, she and I both hated high school and moved far away from our hometown, so I couldn’t imagine what her line of reasoning would be.

She said, in part: This is your one opportunity to completely jack with people. It’s like adult halloween! You can hire a spanish-speaking woman to play your wife and argue with her all night in two different languages about drugs, cousins, jail time, whatever!

Needless to say, I saw her point. I only kept up with a couple of friends from High School, and they would totally be willing to play along with something like this. The rest of them don’t know me from Adam, so I could tell them anything.

Some ideas:

  • Bring my four-year-old son with me. When someone asks “Is this your son? He’s so cute!” I look down at him, say “Nope”, and walk away.
  • Tell them I spent three years in the minors and made it to spring training with the Phillies. I had to quit after Lenny Dykstra nailed me with a water cooler and gave me post-concussion syndrome.
  • I was on President Bush’s Environmental Policy team. We were let go because we didn’t have a cool alert chart like Homeland Security.
  • I was James Frey’s fact checker. That didn’t work out so well for either of us.
  • I’m the green eyeball guy in The Residents. No, really!
  • Head of marketing for Pepsi Clear! Damn glad to meet you!
  • I’m Bjork’s wardrobe consultant.
  • I own my own bail-bonds business in Cincinnati. I was thinking about closing up shop, but the Bengals are making it too lucrative to quit. I do miss Bob Huggins, though.
  • I founded the Tri-County Society for Creative Anachronism. We really saw a surge in recruitment after Lord of the Rings came out.
  • I’m an animator on South Park.

All of these have a memorable quality, and share the benefit of being nearly unverifiable. Sure beats the hell out of telling them what your real job is. If you have some good ones, feel free to share.

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There are no jokes in this post.  Like anyone who surfs the internet, I come across frequent stories of man’s inhumanity to man, and usually, to be honest, I feel a moment’s pang that the world sucks so hard and then I move on, happy that it’s not me.  But this week I read a post by Skeptical Brotha that helped expose a town that refuses to acknowledge that we live in the 21st century.  In fact, from the sound of things, the 19th is much more their speed.

Read this article about Shaquanda Cotton.  If the story infuriates you as much as it did me, use the link provided to send a letter to the Governor of Texas.  Even if the racial overtones don’t concern you, the abuse of judicial power in the case of a 14-year-old girl guilty of only a minor infraction will.  It upsets me as a parent, and as a citizen.

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I’ve been sports-mad the past couple of weeks (and who could blame me?), but this semi-political story is just way, way too much for me to keep to myself.

Check out this story at Skeptical Brotha – Strom Thurmond’s Family Owned Al Sharpton’s Grampa. As I told Skep, all I can say is “That is fucked up”.

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So, when the U.S. government was casting around for a country in need of liberating in the name of spreading democracy, why did they pick a tough nut like Iraq? strange maps points out that the last remnant of Communist Germany was right under our noses all along, just begging to be liberated in time for Daquiris at 4pm.

Crap. We could have taken that in, like, fifteen minutes with zero loss of life.  The “Coalition of the Willing” would have included Paris Hilton and George Hamilton.

Research, people!

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martinbush.jpgSan Juan, Puerto Rico – Just days after the Dixie Chicks cemented their triumphant return to stardom by collecting five Grammys, other faded stars are lining up to follow their blueprint for success.

Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines told a London concert audience that she was “ashamed” of U.S. President George Bush in 2003, when support for the Iraq war was at its height. The trio was pilloried by conservative fans and saw a dramatic downturn in radio play for the next several years, but refused to back down from their statement. As public sentiment turned, the Dixie Chicks’ stance in favor of free speech won them fans who may have never bought a country record before, and their return to the top was capped by the Grammy haul for the unapolagetic anthem “Not Ready To Make Nice”.

And now comes the news that bubble-gum pop star Ricky Martin has refused to apologize for flipping Bush the bird during a recent concert in his native Puerto Rico.

Martin, who was photographed dancing with Bush in 2001, when both newsmakers were at peak popularity, says he felt compelled to speak his mind.

“My convictions of peace and life go beyond any government and political agenda and as long as I have a voice onstage and offstage, I will always condemn war and those who promulgate it,” said Martin in an e-mail statement.

Martin’s press agent believes that his client will be able to ride the crest of the anti-Bush wave by virtue of his good looks and unique talents. “We’ve all heard fantastic protest songs in the past” he said “but let’s be honest, you can’t dance to One Tin Soldier, and the only place Joan Baez is signing groupies’ underwear is at Lillith Fair”.

The single Salsa Picante! (Bush Sucks) is already a huge club hit, and Martin is putting in hours in the studio in an attempt to be the first to capitalize on the groundswell of anti-Bush sentiment. He’ll have stiff competition, however. Toby Keith is set to follow up his own pro-war single Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) with a new album, tentatively titled Redneck Rage (I’ll Put A Boot In Your Ass for Lying to me About WMD and the Link Between Saddam and Al-Qaeda!). Lee Greenwood’s Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Nader is also expected in early 2007.

Martin has said that any awards he receives for his upcoming album will be dedicated to the orphans of the Iraq war.

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castro.jpgHavana, Cuba – Ailing dictator Fidel Castro left his sickbed on Tuesday to appear on Cuban national television. The occasion was a visit from Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, known to music aficionados as “The Randy Jackson of South America”.

The two socialist leaders are reputed to have engaged in several private talks over the past two years, and the topic of discussion frequently roves from feeding and housing their people to a shared enthusiasm for the #1 television show in the U.S. – American Idol.

“El Comandante is a huge Taylor Hicks fan.” said Carlos Lage Davila, one of six Cuban Vice Presidents “He even bought a ‘Soul Patrol’ t-shirt off of eBay last year. His health problems initially kept him from pursuing his dream of starting a Cuban Idol program, but he revived the idea when Presidente Chavez agreed to appear as a celebrity judge.”

Despite a tremulous and halting rendition of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, Castro is the odds-on favorite to win the finals, which are held in Havana, where his power is unquestioned. Chavez put him through with his typical verbal swagger, saying “Mira, Jefe! Dat was da bomb, perrito! You’re going back to Havana, amigo, 1,000 percent!” The other two judges, Castro’s second cousins Ivan and Carlito, saluted smartly, and the iconoclastic leader was through.

fleetlinesmall.jpgFinalists in the singing competition are rewarded with a complete style-and-uniform makeover by El Jefe’s own tailor, along with a contract to appear in weekly in-show advertisements for the 1946 Chevrolet Fleetline. The winner, to be announced in a lavish live ceremony on March 1st, receives a contract to perform the national anthem at the Pan Am Games, a crate of hand-rolled cigars, and a Cultural Advancement Grant from the Venezuelan Treasury valued at 9 million pesos.

The U.S. Commerce Department continues to enforce an embargo that prevents American pop music from entering Cuba legally. The blockade has done nothing to erode Castro’s power base, but has considerably eased the aural suffering of the average Cuban citizen.

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bushfootballsmall.JPGWashington, D.C. – Super Bowl fever is gripping the nation, and in every office, amateur bookies are coming out of the woodwork. The White House is no different. Early Monday morning, White House Counsel Fred Fielding was making the rounds, trying to fill in the last few open spots in the White House Super Bowl Pool.

“Sure, wagering in the workplace is technically against the law” said Fielding with a wink “but if any numbnuts wants to take me to the Supreme Court, I have a notion I’ll win.”

While the prospect of subverting the law of the land might elicit snickers in these hallowed halls, violation of the unwritten code of office betting is no laughing matter. “You buy one square, you get one chance to win. You buy seven, you get seven chances to win. That’s it!” said a cabinet-level African-American female who declined to be identified. “I don’t care who you are, you pay your money and you take your chances – it’s the American way!”

The source of her ire can be none other than the Football-Fan-in-Chief, who has an unprecedented 100% victory margin in the annual pool over the past six years. Bush is perhaps our most intensely competitive President ever, and his antipathy to losing is legendary. But does he cheat?

“The guy polishes his car with the Geneva Convention – what do you think?” said another highly-placed source. “One year it was the false alarm security lockdown – when we were all allowed back in the Oval, I see my name whited out of the winning square and El Jefe’s scrawled over top. Then the year after that he promised Harriet Miers a Supreme Court appointment if she’d switch places with him. Every year we take steps to thwart the jobbing of the game, and every year he ups the ante. This year it’s the Presidential Signing Statement that allows him to rearrange the squares during the game for national security reasons.”

footballpool.gifWhile the head of the President’s security detail would not comment on specific procedures surrounding Super Bowl Pick ’em, the Secret Service has confirmed that the changes came at their urging. “You can’t have foreign nationals homing in on POTUS.” said a Treasury Department agent. “If you nail him down to one highly-visible square, his Super Bowl wager becomes a liability. The key to keeping him safe is to keep him moving, and keep Al Quaida guessing.”

While none of the senior White House staff would go on record with their accusations of cheating, a sign of discontent among the ranks surfaced when the subject of the snack table was broached. According to sources, all of the 37 participants offered to bring hard, dry, salty pretzels and no drinks.

“If Prince shows a nipple or a buttcheek, it’s going to be ‘hello, Dr. Heimlich!'” crowed the Surgeon General of the United States. “It’s gonna be hard to cheat with my fist in his thorax, I’ll tell you that!”

A lack of clarity in Federal law muddies the question of who is responsible for the President’s Super Bowl picks should he become incapacitated. Many speculate that Vice President Dick Cheney would serve as the President’s cheating proxy should he choke on another pretzel. Democrats argue that the grid would pass to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Ordinarily I’m not in favor of handing power to Democrats” said one participant “But in this case, I’m pretty sure we can convince Pelosi to move the bossman’s name to the conjunction of 5 and 8. I ain’t no socialist, but let’s share the wealth a little bit!”

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TX Republicans Angry with Nugent for Saying What They Think

nugent.JPGTexas Governor Rick Perry expressed shock today at the inflammatory public antics of Ted Nugent. The rocker, known by the nickname “The Motor City Madman”, was the closing act at the Governor’s Inaugural Ball in Austin, where he brandished machine guns and a confederate flag T-shirt.

“Never in a million years did I expect something outrageous from Ted Nugent” said the two-term Governor. “He and I are old hunting buddies, and there’s always been a sort of unspoken rule between us that what we say in the deer stand stays in the deer stand. I mean shee-it, I done told that Yankee redneck twice-t!”

A former Republican governor of Texas spoke to The Extrapolater on conditions of strict anonymity:

Sure, I know ol’ Ted. Ted-arooni. Teddy Ruxpin. He’s good folks. He just ain’t quite figured out how to do what I did – go from being a northern-born outsider to honorary redneck by borrowing a Texas accent. Sorry, I meant to say borrowin’.

George Allen taught Republicans an important lesson in the last elections. We learned that you can say whatever you want when you’re in with your own kind, as long as you button it up and act civilized when the microphone comes on.

But hell, you know, he’s a straight shooter, and I respect him for that. If you put a muzzle on Ted Nugent, then the terrorists have already won.

Tex “Bronco” Houston, President of the Texas Bowhunter’s Association, cited a historical precedent of free speech in defense of Nugent. “My grandaddy’s grandaddy fought the Meskins in the Civil War, and he didn’t do it for slavery. He did it so me and my own children could one day drink a bottle of moonshine, mebbe do a little dynamite fishin’, and so that we could say whatever we want about whoever we want whenever we want. So all you liberals, Meskins, A-rabs, and little yeller people can kiss my flabby white butt.”

When reached for comment, Nugent replied “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Motor City Madman!!!! Yeah!!! Yeah!!!! What?”

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CIA Snoops To Be Buried In Junk Mail

President George W. Bush has attached a signing statement to postal legislation that could allow government agents to open first-class mail under exigent circumstances. Civil libertarians reacted with dismay.

Direct-mail marketer Larry Sellers was ecstatic.

“This is the break I’ve been waiting for.” crowed the balding ectomorph “In the bulk mail business, this is the golden goose – an educated, middle-class audience that is required to open each envelope and scrutinize the contents”.

Sellers keeps a close eye on any legislation that could effect his livelihood, but the postal reform act was of little interest until the President appended his customary signing statement, which opened the floodgates for governmental mail tampering.

“Ordinarily, I’m annoyed with the whole ‘I agree, except when I choose not to’ thing with Bush. He reminds me of my ex-wife in that regard.” said Sellers “But in this case, it’s really going to help me out. All I have to do is cross-reference the government’s no-fly list with my customer database, and I’m off to the races!”

CIA operatives tasked with opening mail are bracing themselves for the onslaught.

“Boy, we kind of walked right into that one” one mail screener said, under strict condition of anonymity “It’s going to cost them more to send junk mail first-class, but it’ll probably be worth it. I’ve already found a few things in Mr. Obama’s Sharper Image catalog that I simply must have”.

The Direct Mail Institute reports that the top three companies catering to the Islamic market in the U.S. are K-Tel’s Koran on CD, Schwan’s Special Pork-Free Service, and America Online. Experts at DMI expect that the new law will dramatically change that list.

“I predict that the new leaders in the Islamic market will be some mixture of Playboy magazine, cheap life insurance, and erectile dysfunction drugs. And, of course, AOL. It’s kind of a new concept: indirect direct-marketing.”

In order to ensure that their mailings will be opened, some unscrupulous junk mailers plan to sprinkle each envelope with a slight residue of white powder.

In related news, the Department of Homeland Security today raised the terrorist threat level indicator to orange, citing “high-level chatter about hazardous materials in the U.S. post”.

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Pat Robertson: Religious Fundamentalists Will Attack

Virginia Beach, VA – Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has spoken with God, and the news is not good.

The 700 Club founder claims that a religious splinter group will strike on U.S. soil in 2007, causing “mass killing”.

“The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.”

Some secular leaders are disturbed by Robertson’s lack of specificity.

“You notice he didn’t say Islamic religious fundamentalists, right?” fretted ACT-UP founder Larry Kramer “I think I’ll be bringing a Geiger counter to the next pride march, and keeping an eye out for people in NASCAR T-shirts carrying heavy unfashionable luggage”.

Robertson denied that there is any similarity between the aims of the Christian Coalition and those of Islamic fundamentalism.

“Islam is a narrow religion of hate and exclusion” he said “Whereas I see Christianity as a font of love for your fellow man. As long as he’s not gay, liberal, or Muslim. And I don’t think the Lord is too keen on Episcopalians, either. But in general, we’re talking about love”.

When asked if there would ever be peace between Islam and Christianity, Robertson was hopeful.

“The Islamics don’t have the advantage I did, of growing up with a wise and saintly southern mama. She always told me that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. In other words, a television network is a hell of a lot nicer way to screw up a nation’s religious beliefs than by blowing stuff up. I mean, you’re snuffing out a chunk of your key demographic every time you make a statement. Keep ’em alive, and they’ll make you rich! That’s free advice from me to you, in the name of peace, Achmed.”

Robertson has announced that he will host a free ham and shrimp dinner aimed at promoting understanding between Christians, Jews, and Muslims. The dinner, followed by a short religious program, will begin at 7pm at the headquarters of the Christian Broadcast Network in downtown Virginia Beach.

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Thanks to Phil Maggitti at Postcards from the Pug Bus for allowing me to borrow the graphic he made for this article.

More unconditional love for Brother Pat over at The Darwin Exception

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