Posts Tagged ‘Shitty Photoshopping’

Yeah, we were just joking around in the comments section over at 82 Sluggo Win. Innocently enough. Talking about the most excellent movie “High Fidelity”. Some call it minor Cusack, but I say nay! Have you not seen “Serendipity”? Or his small role in “Con Air”? That is minor Cusack. This is a worthy entrant in the canon.

But then this question floated my way:

jonathantu said 49 minutes ago:

Extrapolator, top five fashion crimes perpetuated by Jimmy Johnson in the ’80s and ’90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great coach for his hair spray sins, is it better to volumize or fade away?

I laughed. But then I actually thought about it. That is a perfect end-of-the-week post, I said to myself, and set about to answer the question through the magic of Google image search.

Here are the answers:




So there you have it, J-Tu. Now go back and listen to your old sad bastard music. See if I care.

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“Don’t Taze Me, Bro!!”

When I heard that a slightly unhinged fella named Meyer got tazed at the University of Florida, you know this was the first thought that crossed my mind:


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monteromaskgone.jpgThis week it becomes time to go all reality television on you and start getting rid of non-contending Smellers. I could say “You’re Fired”, or “The tribe has spoken” or whatever you prefer, but the fact remains that someone is leaving the Smells Like Pujols lineup today.

That man is Miguel Montero, catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks. When I calculated this week’s numbers, Miguel amassed a miniscule 723 score vs. the mighty numbers of Mr. Pujols. It’s pretty clear that this guy is not really in the running, so I’m going to let him mosey off into the sunset with a little dignity.

Montero was hurt by a number of factors in this race. One, he is in a platoon situation with another catcher, which means he just really doesn’t get the necessary at-bats. Just being a catcher in the first place doesn’t help him much either – it’s just not a real glamor position for a rookie. Jarrod Saltalamacchia is also slouching around the lower environs of our leader board, and will likely be out of consideration fairly soon. Colorado’s Chris Iannetta never even got above the 700-point threshhold. So all in all, Montero did pretty well for himself.

Obviously, our serious candidates are holding serve at the top of the listings. Unless he goes into a free-fall, Ryan J. Braun looks like the most obvious candidate for offensive ROY. Hunter Pence is hovering in the same stratosphere. Hamilton, Pedroia, Tulowitzki, and the two Youngs, Chris and Delmon, are the others in striking position. The odds of anyone below the 800-point threshhold getting into the top echelon becomes ever more unlikely as the season draws to a close.

So now you know who to talk about when your buddies start to chatter about rookie hitting phenoms. Pour out a forty for brother Montero, and let’s get ready for the stretch run.

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The Skinny on Kevin Durant

For anyone who has come late to the party and is astonished to learn that Kevin Durant is an ectomorph, fear not, there is some evidence that this kind of player can succeed at the next level:

The kid can play. End of story.

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Hump Day

It has been a good day.  I’m getting beat up by Monday Morning Punter and his legions of fans in the Hot Blogger Bracket, despite my attempts to take the campaign in a negative direction in my previous post.

I cc’d a hundred people on an email and now they’re all mad at me.

I’m sick, which means I get to stay home from work, but… I’m still sick, so that sucks.

I apparently look like NASCAR’s Tony Stewart.


But on the bright side, my essay on nicknames is in the new Chicago Sports Weekly.  Page 28.

So all told, I’m feeling pretty good, I suppose.  And it’s all about me, after all.

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I received an anonymous email this morning with details concerning the Ladies… hot blogger brackets. I don’t know why I was chosen to receive this information, but I was instructed to pass it along:

aleakfromthe ladiesdotdotdot
show details 12:58 am (6 hours ago)

Word on the street is –

At least one dad in each bracket…

One Jay-versus-Jay match up…

Shanoff’s in the hardest bracket…

Awful Announcing is worried for no reason…

At least one post made all the Ladies cry…

Most of guys who sent in topless shots are in different brackets…

Someone who submitted a music post is out, despite being very easy on the eyes…

There were a surprising number of hockey posts submitted…

By complete coincidence, two guys from the same blog got the exact same seed in their respective brackets…

T.Kyle King of Dawg Sports is a # 6 seed… Jack Cobra is an #8… Will is a #1 of course, but could easily be upset…

This email has only been sent to six people… so be sure to pass it on…

Two more days…

These ladies are geniuses at marketing. All I know is that I will not be in a bracket with other men who shamelessly exploited the beauty of their children in hopes it would enhance their own standing. I also know that I will not be immediately facing Paul Shirley, which is a shame, because we are both from Kansas, and I had really hoped we could get into a cow-chip tossing contest.

That’s all I have. The anticipation is building….


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It’s been a while since I was able to use the “Shitty Photoshopping” tag around here. But Awful Announcing’s post about Joe Buck and his fondness for chokers inspired me. Voila:


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wilt100000.pngUsually I try to convince myself that I don’t care whether my blog is popular or not, but let’s face it, if you blog, odds are you have at least a bit of your ego tied up in it. However, when Mike from Digital Headbutt reminded me that I had just reached 100,000 hits on this rickety old bucket, I was genuinely humbled.

Obvious thanks to Deadspin for gift-wrapping and delivering the majority of those hits, but even more thanks to those of you who stuck around after the rush was over and continued to give me a raison d’ecrite (my high school French is a bit rusty – I hope I didn’t just thank you for giving me a reason to excrete). Anyway, it’s a real pleasure turning over rocks for you and visiting your blogs and seeing you around here in return. It really has felt like a community of sports bloggerdom, and I’ve had fun getting here. I’ve especially enjoyed some of the group efforts turned in by the much hotter bloggers who have joined me from time to time (see sidebar), and those who have let me drop by and do donuts on their lawn in return (Digital Headbutt, Awful Announcing, Loser With Socks, Sports Gone South, If I Ran, etc).

Now, I expect us to get to 200,000 before next Christmas, so Ted Bauer’s “What We Learned” had better be pretty damn good this week. If that fails, it’s all LOLcats, all the time, you ingrates. I know where my Meow Mix is buttered.

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Jason Jennings

Yes, I do know that the Most Improved Player is an NBA award. Perhaps most Major League Baseball fans don’t really care which player is most likely to see an upswing in his numbers this year, but us fantasy sports nerds sure do. In a league full of sharks, your season will hinge on identifying talent that is undervalued. I think Jason Jennings is one of those guys.

I was just able to pick up Jason in round 24 of my fantasy draft. I suppose a look at the raw numbers bears that out. Since his 2002 Rookie of the Year performance, Jason’s ERA went north and stayed there, and his wins decreased.

Last year, despite winning nine games and losing thirteen, he pitched a career-high 212 innings and kept his ERA below 4.00 for the season. Not only was that his best average since joining the Rox, he became only the second pitcher to hit that mark in Denver, joining Joe Kennedy (2004).

The key to all of these stats is not a number, but a word: Denver. The Mile High City air turns good pitchers into mediocre pitchers, and mediocre pitchers into horror shows. Jason Jennings’ ability to rebound from three disheartening seasons to post career highs shows me a player who is mentally strong and adaptable. He obviously learned a little bit about how to pitch smart, since he couldn’t bend the rules of physics.

mosquitocoasthouston.PNGNow comes the trade to Houston. Remember all of those stories about the Rockies putting baseballs in humidors to give them more movement? Well, Houston is one giant humidor. Minute Maid ballpark might have a retractable roof, but humidity don’t care about no roof. The atmosphere might not be as swampy indoors as it is outdoors, but compared to Colorado, it will feel like the Mosquito Coast.

Perhaps my case would be stronger if Jason hadn’t pitched so well in so many losses, but there’s so much room for improvement, despite the venue-appropriate ERA in Colorado, that I think the difference will be striking. Like I said, Mr. Jennings learned how to pitch in Denver. Throwing harder just causes injuries up there. Getting movement on a ball in Houston should feel effortless to him after his experiences in the mountains. He’ll also have a much better hitting lineup to shore up any incipient wins. Minute Maid Park does not particularly favor pitchers, but it’s orders of magnitude better than Coors Field in that respect.

So, that’s my guy. Most of you have probably done your fantasy drafts already, but maybe you can still get your hands on him for nothing before he starts turning in steady performances night after night.

Note: For more reliable analysis and all the bells and whistles, consult The GNUru. Where I use Voodoo Sabermetrics, he uses cold, hard, rational thought.

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noeight.PNGI know, that title is a bit blah, kind of boring.

But so are all of the names for the intense and excellent round of basketball to be played today as a run-up to the Final Four in Atlanta.

We’ve been given these possibilities:

Great Eight – Rhymes, but sucks. Lacks any real charm or flavor.

Elite Eight – Semi-assonant, but doesn’t really stir the soul.

Round of Eight – OK, now you’re just not trying.

This is an extremely important round of basketball, and it deserves a good name. Most viewers think of it in relation to the Final Four, as in “the winner of this game books a ticket to Atlanta”. But that only honors the team that wins. We know from watching two weeks of high-level basketball that even the team that loses in the ocho stage has accomplished a mighty task. The game deserves to be more than an also-ran between the Sweet Sixteen and the Final Four. Of course, the Final Four is only final for two teams, but I’m going to let that slide for now.

The thing is, this game already has a good name. But we’ve become so enamored of alliteration that we have let it slip into the ether. The four games to be played this weekend are Regional Championships. In essence, the NCAA tournament plays four mini-tournaments to decide who goes to the lightning round. The teams that play on the second Saturday and Sunday are playing for the championships of their region. I think that means something. Any lucky fans who still have a team on the court these two days know it’s been a hard road.

The winners of these four games are Regional Champs. The losers are Regional Runners-up. Tonight, students at four Universities will drink, light bonfires, lace trees with TP and sleep with people they’ve never seen before and never want to see again, all in celebration of a Regional Championship.  As such, it deserves that kind of revelry.  After the dust clears and the drunk tanks empty, we can turn the clock and start thinking about who’s in the Final Four.

So here’s to you, Mr. Regional Championship Weekend. Without you, there would be no Final Four.

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