Voodoo Sabermetrics – Joe Mauer

Voodoo Sabermetrics reminds us that our love for the team includes our love of individual players. We usually have a favorite superstar hitter or pitcher or both. But what about those guys that you just… like? Maybe someone who pinch hits or steals a base now and then. Maybe an aging vet who is like an extra coach in the dugout. Rather than judge everyone by their stats, we’re going to use unique categories and scoring methods to check out baseball’s characters.

Our High Voodoo Council are:

Jack Cobra from 3manlift.com Neighbor Quotient and Scrappiness
Texas Gal from Ladies… Hottness and Behavior
Uncle Sunil from Hurricanes Are For Drinking Atomic Mass and Exposure
Gary Gnu from The GNUru Fantasy Sports Clutchness
Sooze from Babes Love Baseball Jollyness
TC from Mr. Thursday’s Curious Mechanism Appearance and Quotability
Extra P. from The Extrapolater Name Quality (including nicknames)

This week, we had to really examine our reasons for doing this feature. Do we just take aim at the easy targets and blast away, regardless of relevance? Or do we examine a fan favorite who might be a bit… Oring-bay? Or do we, ultimately, give in because the ladies really, really like him? The answer is, we do all three over the course of a season, but today, we lean toward the second and third options. And we go for someone dog’s-ass crazy next week. For now…

Meet Joe Mauer

Name: Joe Mauer is actually kind of fun to say. Ladies can say it with a hint of “mrowr”, or a purr, if you will. Guys can say it with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s hint of Austria. And there’s something luxurious about the way Joe gets so many vowel sounds out of a five-letter surname.

Nicknames are an issue. People have been tempted to lionize Joe’s spectacular play, but nothing has really seemed to stick. When I googled “Joe Mauer, nickname”, I was taken to the place I probably should have started my search anyway: Batgirl’s Lair. She’s always at the forefront of Twins name-a-thons, and she held a contest in 2004. There were some funny ones like Mau Mau, Dr. Moxie, and the winning entry, Chairman Mau(er). But the one that rings truest for me is “Gentleman Joe”. I mean, c’mon, that’s what we all know about him, right? He’s a nice guy from Minnesota, he should embrace that.

For the name Joe Mauer, 6 out of 10. Chairman Mauer 3 out of 10. “Gentleman” Joe Mauer, 9 out of 10.

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Atomic Number: Joe Mauer is awful for clubhouse chemistry. He nearly tore this Voodoo Sabermetrics High Counsular Whirlygig to pieces.

This council had almost fully healed, following the Lou Merloni fiasco (Merlonigate), and we were almost universally in agreement that the next subject (victim) of our gentle prodding (teasing) would be none other than Carl “Snarl” Everett. Anecdotes about clubhouse fights would have been shared, aesthetic comparisons to vampire bats would have been made, and the rightful honor of dinosaurs would have been defended. But then someone floated the name Joe Mauer, his sideburns, his dreaminess, and his (alleged, by a buddy of mine who went to high school with him) exploitation of Native Americans, and this High Council nearly tore itself apart.

So you ask me what Joe “Carcinogenic” Mauer’s atomic number is. It’s a number that corresponds to the most vile, disgusting, and insidious of acts. Joe Mauer’s atomic number is -4.522, the atomic number of rape consensual but awkward sexual intercourse that leaves both partners a little cold.

Exposure: Let’s see, midwestern boy, playing at an All Star level for his hometown team, dating Miss America. Yep, sounds like something straight out of Central Casting. Joe Mauer’s got a bit of a “pre-(il)legitimate child Chipper Jones” vibe about him. I’m just waiting for the news to come out that he knocked up a waitress from Mankato, thus ruining his relationship with Miss America. That will certainly make for a good plot twist in the made-for-television movie that’s going to hit local (Minnesota) airwaves sometime in 2017 (Lake Joebegon, perhaps?). Until then, Joe’s going to be more Gilmore Girls, and less Untamed Heart.

Did that even make sense?

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Scrappiness – Have you seen Joe Mauer lately? He’s 6-5, 215 lbs. When you are that big you don’t have to be scrappy, you just kick everyone’s ass. Nevertheless, when the going gets rough I see him bulldozing through the other catcher to score the winning run, rather than doing a Frank Thomas-esque ballet around the plate. Because of that, he earns major Scrap(??) points. 9 out of 10.

Neighbor Quotient – If Joe Mauer was my neighbor I would have a four step plan to success:

• Step 1: Become friends with Mr. Mauer and his roommate Justin Morneau
• Step 2: I would rent out the bedrooms in my house to the women at Ladies…..
• Step 3: ????
• Step 4: Profit

In all seriousness Mauer seems cool and I know Morneau lives with him so you get that whole ‘odd couple’ thing going on there. I could see Joe making me burgers on his grill and I could see Morneau attempting to out drink me at the bar (not going to happen you Canuck!). All around it’s good times for me. Plus, they are both left handed and I have a wicked cut fastball while playing wiffle ball. 10 out of 10

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Hottness: 10

Joe is a homegrown hottie in every sense. Sweet, charming smile. Delicious 6’5″ body, that’s growing taller by the day. Gorgeous blue eyes. He’s so lovely, I don’t even mind the Elvis-y sideburns (though Joe is rapidly growing tired of everyone else’s fascination with them). And he’s multi-talented: in addition to playing baseball and basketball in high school, he QB’ed his team to state title games and Bobby Bowden held a scholly slot open for the taking at FSU if and when Joe ever wanted it. Top off the classic all-American good looks and out-of-this-world athletic skills with Joe’s unassuming humility, and you’ve got a bona fide hottie.

Behavior: Green (Low on the Terror Alert Scale)

He has a pool table instead of a dining room table. He plays Guitar Hero. He does charity events. He’s neat and tidy. He has a bobblehead collection. His one vice seems to be a large shoe collection- not exactly Pacman-level stuff. He roomed with fellow Twins hottie Justin Morneau, and I hoped to read tales of all kind of hijinx they got up to… but that doesn’t appear to be the case. Joe is apparently the ultimate Mr. Nice Guy. The only blip on the threat level radar is that Joe is still single- and dated a former Miss USA (and we know how those girls can be) — but otherwise, he’s just a sweet, shy homebody who hangs out with his family and shuns the spotlight. He’s so cute it hurts.

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My numerical scores will correlate to the alcohol contents of various beers. In case you care, here’s the scoring system.

Quotability. I follow baseball with enough fervor that, generally, I know a couple quotes from a high number of the star caliber players. If I don’t happen to know any from a guy, or if I can’t remember them clearly, I can just Google for some. Looking for Joe Mauer quotes, I couldn’t even find help through Google. So, I e-mailed LaVelle Neal, a sportswriter at the Minneapolis Star-Tribune who certainly follows Mauer with more access and time than I have. I explained my situation and asked him for any quotes he wouldn’t mind sharing. He generously replied, saying, “Mauer doesn’t say many memorable things. He’s a nice kid but not the talkative sort.” Well, sorry Joe, but when the guys who cover you can’t recall anything worth quoting from you, you’re stuck drinking Kaliber Near Beer.

Appearance. I’m sure the ladies are covering this aplenty, but it’s plainly obvious to everyone, that the only question about Joe Mauer is “Hot catcher, or hottest catcher?” Mauer’s most distinctive physical trait, is, of course, his well-groomed sideburns. The sideburns on their own aren’t much, but the sense of humor about them that both Joe and the Twins possess make them a valuable trait. Last August, the Twins gave 10,000 pairs of synthetic sideburns away to fans, complete with double-sided tape, so 10,000 men, women, and children could ludicrously adopt the look of their favorite batting champion. In a commercial last year, Mauer appeared with a little kid in an homage to the famous Mean Joe Green Coca-Cola commercial. Instead of the jersey on Mauer’s back, Mauer gives his adoring fan Mauer’s own sideburns.

Hey, look, he’s wearing TC’s initials on his chest…

Joe, your look is your own, and you have some fun with it, and that’s OK by me. Have yourself a Dogfish Head World Wide Stout with 18% courage. Oh, and when you finish it, I think the girls would like to talk to you…

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Jollitude

Joe Mauer is a hometown boy sort of jolly. I’m talking well-groomed sideburns and Land-O-Lakes milk commercials. His smile says “I love hitting line drives and taking Suzie to the drive-in”. It’s the type of jolliness that you’d want to bring home to mama. Man Muscles tops the jollity scale at a Good Ol’ St. Nick… only without the belly.

🙂

I just love him.

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Joe Mauer’s Clutchness…

As a die-hard Cub fan the first thing that comes to mind when the name Joe Mauer is mentioned, is the disappointment of Mark Prior. You see, many believed (myself included) the Minnesota Twins made a major mistake in selecting hometown kid Joe Mauer with the #1 overall pick in the 2001 amateur draft. Experts believed the payroll challenged Twins didn’t pick the likely #1 pick Mark Prior because of his demand of a $10 million dollar signing bonus.

While the GNUru may be biased in the evaluation of Joe Mauer’s clutchness, the fact is Joe Mauer is the best catcher in baseball (no need to mention his .340 average with runners in scoring position) for a perennial playoff contender- that’s pretty gosh darn clutch!

GNUru Clutchness Factor: 3,750,000 well spent dollars

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Joe Mauer is friends with Paul Molitor. He and his dad turned a leaf-blower attachment into a batting tutorial. Look out, George Foreman! Your days as the number one celebrity infomercial pitchman are numbered!

OK, enough of the happy talk. I obviously have to address the internecine strife (borrowed that from Tony Snow, do you like it?) that Sunil brought to the fore. Yes, there was some disagreement about this week’s article. Quite a few people wanted to cover Carl Everett. And yes, he is a cross between Mt. Pinatubo and the Kansas Board of Education, so he’s ripe for the picking. But if Merlonigate showed us anything, it’s that a guy has to have at least one at-bat in a season before we can stick pins in him, right? I made an executive decision to go with Mr. All-America this week, and proceeded to crush all dissent with an iron fist (meaning I pretended my gmail was broken and I never saw the complaints). Just remember, the season is a marathon, not a sprint, and we will get to Carl, Cole, and even Barry when the time is ripe. Now get back behind the mule, you ingrates!

I, for one, learned a lot about Joe Mauer, and I think the work we did finding out what’s interesting (or hott) about him will bring us closer together. Learn more about crushing dissent with an iron fist here. Your blog could depend on it.

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This just in – Sooze is a Winona, MN celebrity!  Read all about it!

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What We Learned: “You Talk About a Guy…”

Ted Bauer puts himself on the line every weekend, watching and manipulating video for a certain sports/entertainment conglomerate to be named later. Due to his work hours and environment, he is uniquely qualified to summarize and analyze the week’s sporting activity. This will be a weekly feature, running every Monday morning. If you like this, read more of Ted’s writing at his primary crib – A Price Above Bip Roberts.

As Elvis would have said “A little less conversation, and a little more action”.  Here’s the inaugural post of “What We Learned” for April 30, 2007.

What We Learned: “You Talk About a Guy…”

Without further ado, the top 10 things we learned this weekend in sports:

1) It pays to play well in big games in college
Brady Quinn, who shat the bed in games against USC (a few times), Michigan (his senior year), Ohio State, and LSU, lost roughly $17 million by sliding from a projected No. 3 – with the Browns – to No. 22 – also with the Browns. That crafty Phil Savage. Meanwhile, JaMarcus Russell, who beat Quinn in that Sugar Bowl game and also did the whole “4th and 10 vs. ASU” thing right after Katrina, scored a massive payday by going to the NFL’s most dysfunctional family to haze Andrew Walter.

2) Danny Ainge might be more rational than George Steinbrenner
For the 18,716th time in the last 11 years, word emerged from the Bronx Zoo that Steinbrenner might ax Torre this weekend. The Yankees went out and beat their archrivals on Saturday afternoon, behind surprisingly effective pitching from the starter (Igawa) and middle relivers (Bruney and Farnsworth), as well as the first save of the year from Mariano. Then, they lost Sunday; they’ve dropped 5 of 6 to the Red Sox this year. If Torre is canned, what’s the point, really? It bears resemblance to a portion of the whole Doc Rivers argument: even if you bring in Girardi, the defending Manager of the Year, who is he working with? Also, the Yankees were bad at the beginning of 2005, and they made the playoffs that year. It’s one thing to keep people on their toes wanting excellence, but it’s another to create an atmosphere where the 10th winningest manager of all-time might get booted simply because Chase Wright can’t keep his heater out of the zone.

3) The Patriots are convinced they know what they’re doing
In the first round of the Draft, they selected Brandon Merriweather from Miami, probably the most notable example this side of Eric Wright of the base issue of “prospects with bad character.” Then, they go out and get explosive wide receiver / head case Randy “10 Grand Ain’t Shit to me; Next Time I might shake my dick” Moss, who once mooned the fans at arguably the closest place football has to a church in America. Scott Pioli. I figure, does it because he’s sure the Patriots can turn any player into a team-first cardboard cutout of their sketchy past, smiling like some guy advertising an electronics sale.

4) It might be one of those wacky situations for the Mets
It seems like every year, one main contender in some division can’t beat the most bottom-feeding, scum-sucking team in said division, and that costs them dearly. Two years ago, for the Indians, ’twas the Royals. Right now for the Mets, it appears to be the Nationals, who beat them Friday night, took ’em to 12 innings Saturday night, and held them to 1 run (granted, the Mets won) on Sunday. The Nats had done some damage in their previous series with the Metropolitans, too. Jim Bowden used to be Omar Minaya’s boss; now he’s just owning him.

5) Steve Nash might be the greatest player in the history of the world
Well, not really; there’s a little matter of a guy who wore 23. But check out these compliments that Mike Breen rattled off about Nash on Sunday – Pat Riley calls him, apparently, “the most fundamentally sound basketball player maybe in history” ; Magic Johnson calls him “a guy I love to watch” ; Phil Jackson and Doc Rivers say he’s “hands down the best point guard in the NBA, maybe the last 10 years of the NBA.” The Suns are up 3-1, by the way. I bet the series still goes 7. Kobe’s going for 70 in Game 5.

6) That monkey hasn’t left T-Mac’s side just yet
After a convincing 2-0 series lead, the Rockets went to Mormon Land and dropped two games. In Game 3, T-Mac and Yao went off, but the rest of the squad had a combined four points. In Game 4, T-Mac had a mere 18, Yao a mere 20, and Houston coughed up the rock 16 times. Utah basically needs to win one game in Texas – and let’s be real here, they led Games 1 and 2 for sizable portions – and T-Mac is now 0-6 in the first round.

7) It was all about this, always
The NBA Playoffs are all about reunions of former comrades – look at the whole Suns/Mavericks subplots of the last few years (Nash/Dirk), or even Spurs/Suns (half the Spurs roster played at least 1 game for the Suns, and vice versa), and Dallas/Golden State (Nellie/Avery). Heck, even Kobe followed D’Antoni around in Italy, so that’s kinda sorta a reunion. As such, everyone should have known that Detroit vs. Chicago – “The Battle for Big Ben’s Soul” – was coming down the pike. Although it won’t match up in drama and overall quality with a potential San Antonio vs. Phoenix second rounder out West, it’ll be the de facto Eastern Conference Finals (sorry, TNT – although maybe your real Eastern Finals will involve King James, and that’d be cool, right?). Detroit and Chicago is going 7, easy, and will be as intense, if not more so, than a Ozzie Guillen vs. Jim Leyland stare down.

8) Don’t count on previous success
Like the ’03 NFL season, when the Bucs (7-9) and Raiders (4-12) both missed the playoffs after competing in the Super Bowl, here we go now with the ’07 NBA season. The Heat? Done, looking like abject fools getting swept by a Bulls team that hadn’t won a playoff series since Byron Russell forgot to tie his shoes. The Mavericks? Down 2-1 (as of Sunday prior to their game) and looking like, well, abject fools in not being able to play in front of the “raucous” (thank you, Mike Breen) crowd in NorCal. If both get bounced, it would be the first time since 1957 that two Finals teams lost in the opening series the next year.

9) For one day at least, Jamie Mottram isn’t Mr. Irrelevant
Rather, it’s Ramzee Robinson from the University of Alabama (Roll Tide!), who became Mr. Irrelevant for ’07, going No. 255 to the Lions (I thought they would take Reggie Ball there, to make Calvin feel better) as a “compensatory selection” (is that a compensation for Millen as a whole?). He’s a 5-9 DB; the only thing his NFL.Com page says is “plays bigger than his height.” Ha. However, it might be valid. As a frosh, he had four tackles against Auburn; that’s a pretty big game for a 5-9 dude to be having four tackles in. He also was defensive captain for the LSU game his senior year. We believe in Ramzee. He might be the new Dre Bly over there.

10) Sometimes, the games aren’t even the biggest thing
R.I.P. Josh Hancock. You were, apparently, representative in many ways of the midwestern ethos of your city.

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