Holy Majoley, can you believe my blog has been around long enough to start a second season of this feature? This was the first good idea I ever had for a recurring post, and I was genuinely excited to crank it up again for the 2007 College Football season. For those of you who weren’t reading me last year (yeah, as if), here’s the way I introduced it in October of 2006:
By now most of us have tried the whole “What’s your porn name?” phenomenon. It works great, unless your name turns out to be Fluffy 42nd Street, or Cujo Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard. If you look around, however, you’ll find that some people simply don’t need to concoct an adult film star sobriquet – their parents set them up for stardom from birth. The best place to find a concentration of ready-made porn names is on any college football roster, so throughout the remainder of the season, we’ll compile Porn Name Allstar teams for each BCS conference.
Last season, I started late, so I only got to the BCS conferences. I should be able to “get around” a bit more this time out.
I’ll take it easy on you in the opening scene, so we can “leave a little in the tank” for the “meat” of the season. Presenting: the Porn Name All-Stars of Conference-USA:
Offense
Randy Hardin – QB – Southern Miss
Nick Cannon – QB – Tulane
Sam Hunt – QB – UABDonald Buckram – RB – UTEP
Chubb Small – RB – Marshall
Curtis Steele – RB – Memphis
Ben Herlocker – FB – East CarolinaTaz Knockum – WR – Memphis
Jevaughn Reams – WR – UCF
Dan Wideman – WR – East Carolina
Uranius Johnson – WR – Marshall
Jake Collums – TE – Tulsa
Jonny Moore – TE – UTEPDusty Dickinson – OL – Houston
Robbie Hardie – OL – Memphis
Lucky DeLay – OL – SMU
Charlie Wiebusch – OL – Rice
Cameron Zipp – OL – Southern Miss
Mitch Enright – OL – SMUDefense
Robert Soleyjacks – DL – UTEP
Marquay Love – DL – Houston
Ray Ordick – DL – Tulsa
Josh Long – DL – Marshall
William Wood – DL – RiceJeremy Rockette – LB – Memphis
Omeke Alikor – LB – Rice
Paul Hiemenz – LB – SMU
Bryson Downham – LB – TulaneKaison Mangum – DB – Houston
Rock Dennis – DB – SMU
Gershom Bigham – DB – UAB
Sheldon Shakespeare – DB – UCF
Kyle Ramseur – DB – MarshallAaron Horne – P – UCF
Swayze Waters – K – UAB
Jimmy Whetstone – KR – Southern Miss
Ty Stout – LS – UTEP
Just in case you want to get a feel for some of these future porn stars, Tulsa is playing at Louisiana-Monroe tomorrow night on ESPN2, at 7pm. It’s bound to be better than scrambled porn, but just barely.
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Want to brag on your school? Visit my other blog – College Rule Notebook.
You forgot a guy in your own backyard, EP… Chris Long.
Haven’t forgotten him at all, Bruce. There are so many great names, I can go conference-by-conference. These are only the C-USA entrants. Imagine how great the ACC or Pac 10 will be!
However, at the end of the season, I do whittle it down to the true best names overall, so that is always fun.
URANIUS JOHNSON!!!
My God, that’s just fabulous.
The ACC Porn-Name All Star Team took a big hit today, with the loss of Tar heel safety Cooter Arnold.
Seriously? Tulane’s QB is Nick Cannon?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Cannon
And the offensive line is just gold.
Some drunk fuckin mama really named her kicker son Swayze… good God. Duck for the apacolypse.
THAT IS AWESOME
[…] 29th, 2007 by Run Up The Score! Three cheers for The Extrapolater, who has assembled the best Conference USA porn names. My personal favorites: Uranius Johnson, Chubb Small, Lucky DeLay, and (of course) Kyle […]
[…] , Sports You can tell football season is nearly here when Extrapolater kicks off his annual Porn Name All-Star talent search. It’s sort of like American Idol but without all the crappy singing, snarky […]
i seriously am shocked at some of these names. they are perfect for porn. now every time i look at a sports roster i will be thinking if an athletes name would make a good porn name. haha. i will be checking back for more.
http://www.drunkenpanda.com
Don’t forget QB brothers Casey Dick and Nathan Dick of Arkansas if you go SEC. Coached by Houston Nutt. Just image the announce team if Houston benches big brother in favor of little brother: “Nutt yanked big Dick and inserted Little Dick”
Umm, guys… Nick Cannon hasn’t played for Tulane in two years.
How about Matt HARDing, or Cody Blackwelder, or Casey Robottom, or Cody Sparks, or Alex Wacha?
Bama Hog, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from covering the SEC. I’m dying to get started, but I wanted to build up to the “big boys”. The Pac-10 should also be fun, what with John David Booty still “under center”.
John – I use the official rosters from ESPN, and I don’t care how much actual playing time a guy gets – I just care if he has a funny name.
Of course, Tight End is the best position for porn star football players …
Stan – My favorite player from last year was Michigan State Tight End Kyle Sackrider.
Though UConn DB Jimmy McClam was a strong contender.
I have to think SMU takes the cake with the tandem of Lucky DeLay & Rock Dennis. Those names could rival the duo from Boogie Nights!
Here is the Title: Lucky DeLay & Rock Dennis in Ride ‘Em Ponies!! With special guest Lindsay Lohan.
A former backup QB at Tennessee was Jim Bob Cooter.
You can’t make that up.
UNC’s newest linebacker doesn’t necessarily have a porn name, but it’s still awesome: “Quantavius Sturdivant”.
You left out Arkansas Razorback QB Casey Dick and his brother the Back up QB Nathan Dick. The Dick Brothers.
Cant wait till you get to the PAC-10 and start with John David Booty!!!!!!!! lol
“Uranius Johnson – WR – Marshall”
Is that for real? Seriously, is this his real name?
Good lawd…
Too bad Sam Hunt’s cousin Mike doesn’t play in C-USA.
he he he i don’t wanna play…
Going to post this up around the water cooler at the office tomorrow. The gang is going to die! By the way, the old “middle name, street you grew up on” porn name algorythm makes me ‘Bruce Eastwood.’ Yeah baby!
Keep up the great work and we’re all awaiting the Big 12 edition.
RAWR!
Sheldon Shakespeare… oh ye gods!
Univ. of Pittsburgh has an entire porn film cast:
DB – Kennard Cox; LB – Dorin Dickerson; LB – Adam Gunn; RB – LaRod Howling
I dunno, I hate to be the that guy, but these are kids… no? I mean, at best they are 20? 21? And we’re going to have a whole post making fun of their names? I see the humor, and I snicker at any Beavis and Butthead moment, but I’m going to stick up for these guys and say “come on, there are better things to write about than making fun of someone’s name – or worse yet, their parents (for giving them that name).
You have every First Amendment right to do it… and one could say that these guys have put themselves in the spotlight. It just seems unnecessary and mean-spirited.
Marco – I understand what you’re saying, but these guys generally laugh about it – they often put these posts on their MySpace and Facebook pages. If you don’t think their teammates are giving them the same ration of shit, you haven’t been around college athletes much.
wow. Cash’s “A boy named sue” thrusts spears and pounds its way into the 21st Century.
Someone, quick record this to a good hip-hop beat and get shot and live in music infamy.
I wish you had done this when “Curtis Head” was still punting for Marshall University. I think he is a special teams coach now. Could he get some sort of special designation?
I try to look out for coaches who deserve a special mention in the intro. And, of course, when I cover the SEC, the whole Gamecocks thing comes into play.
[…] Oh yes. $240 dollars worth of pudding. The Extrapolater has gathered a fantastic list of the most pornified names in Conference USA. Particular […]
Ok… on Facebook my stripper name would be (apparently) ‘Craig Swordsizzle’… does that work?
[…] have an early candidate for Extrapolater’s ACC Porn Name All Stars: FSU wide receiver De’Cody […]