This is going to be kind of hard for me to talk about, so bear with me. While I have one natural son of my own (that’s him on the site banner, proving that his father’s sense of humor is indeed at the two-year-old level), he was born before this blog was, and I’ve always felt that both needed some kind of a sibling. You know, someone to look up to when daddy’s on the sauce again. So, after a lot of soul searching, I’ve decided to adopt.
After a long and difficult process that involved emotional and financial hardship, we have finally found the perfect match. With the help of baseballreference.com, we have taken delivery of a healthy 72-inch, 185lb. male child. His name is Tony Gwynn, Jr. I have promised his birth parents that I will raise him as a Christian with a full appreciation of his African-American heritage.
“Hold up, Extra P. Tony Gwynn, Jr. already has a family! And a pretty darn good one!” I hear and understand your concern. Junior has a Hall of Fame dad, his uncle Chris played nine MLB seasons, and his sister is an R&B star. So what can I offer him that they can’t?
Lowered expectations. I couldn’t hit a fastball out of the infield with a two-by-four. I am incapable of holding the same job for even six years. And I prefer Philippi Sparks’ daughter for my professional-sports-related R&B needs. I think I can guarantee that Junior will never have to worry about coming out from under my shadow. The only way in which I resemble any of his teammates on the Brewers is that I can match Prince Fielder bite-for-bite at an all you can eat buffet.
I have, of course, added Junior to the SLP leader board, but I vow not to show him any favoritism. A young man eventually has to learn to walk on his own two feet, and I’m just lazy enough to let him.
So welcome to the family, Tony Gwynn, Jr. Can you stay home and take care of your little brother tonight? Daddy’s got to go to the track.
For the lighter side of phenom pitching, don’t forget to visit Mr. Thursday’s Curious Mechanism, and his rookie pitching feature GoodEnough For Me.